Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010), Part I — “Does It Erase Her Mom’s C-Section Scar?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Part 1.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the first part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

You know the drill.

We open on a pair of eyes.

Bill Nighy’s eyes.

He’s new (but not really, since he’s been in that position for a year now) Minister of Magic. Rufus Scrimgeour.

Colin:

Bill Nighy the Ministry Guy.

It’s somehow worse knowing that Bill Nighy was here and we could’ve had him in more than two scenes.

Well there’s a fucking surprise.

Also, what’s with the W? Did one of the Weasleys write this?

Really? That’s all that scene gets? A tiny little article that’s not even the real focus of the shot?

Colin:

A Muggle family was murdered. How do they know it was dark wizards who did it? Could have been Kira, for all they know. How badass would it be if the Harry Potter universe crossed over with the Death Note universe? I actually say this about most universes and Death Note.

It actually would have been funnier if you were talking about a random person named Kira and then never explained who that was.

Also, I support the crossing of universes. Because — are you guys ready for this? Star Jam. Intergalactic Jedi Basketball. (I know I’m down with JBB.)

Oh… right. This might be the saddest scene in the whole franchise.

Why did we not immediately open with this? Fuck Scrimgeour and the newspaper. You could show that after this scene. This scene is how you open a fucking movie with some power.

This look is why I think Hermione is probably the only truly three-dimensional character in the franchise.

Oh, yeah, them too. We haven’t seen them since… Order of the Phoenix. They completely cut them out of the last movie. That’s a shame.

But hey, at least he has the house to himself now, right?

He can just go jerk off all over Dudley’s first bedroom.

Ah, they live in Hagrid’s place now.

Do people often go stand like that when they have tough decisions weighing on their mind?

Colin:

Why is Ron doing the Luke Skywalker thing, staring at the horizon? And then Aunt Beru his mother calls him in for dinner, too.

Oh man, here it comes…

“Obliviate.”

Oh my god, that’s the most heartbreaking thing this franchise has done. And I don’t even think they really go on about it in the book. I think it’s just a throwaway line. But here, this is actually the saddest thing that happens in all the movies, and I’m including all three of the major “sad” deaths that occur.

She just wiped herself from her parents memories in order to protect them! They now actually have no memory of ever having a child. That’s so fucked up.

Which of course, brings about two major questions – don’t all their friends have memories of Hermione existing? Won’t that be awkward when they’re like, “How’s Hermione?” and the parents go, “Who?” How does that work? She does have extended family, you know.

Colin:

Does it erase her mom’s C-section scar?

Yeah, she was a C-section.

And also, is this permanent? Can this not be undone?

I already kind of know the answer to this – Rowling said Hermione did undo this at some point and gave her parents back their memories. Which then splinters off into two other thoughts. First – I’m glad the movie doesn’t explain any of this, because it gives off the impression that this is permanent and makes it exponentially more of an emotional scene. So good job there. And two – doesn’t that mean Lockhart’s memory-wiped people could be restored as well? He said he did that to a bunch of people. Can’t they undo it? Or is the assumption that no one knows he fucked with their memories? I get why his memories can’t be brought back – he used Oliviate with a fucked up wand, which is probably like performing brain surgery with a broken scalpel. So I get that. But it seems like the presumption is that Obliviate is a permanent spell unless you have a beloved character’s parents, in which case – oh, yeah, she can fix that. (Another one of those Rowling conveniences that Colin loves so much.)

Colin:

It’d be convenient if she were hit by a bus.

Also, what’s wizarding world Alzheimer’s like? I’d imagine the same, but do you think it’s brought on by all this memory messing-with business?

Colin:

The part that scares me the most is that you can choose what to erase. She’s only erasing herself here, not her parents’ whole memories. So that means that as long as you get the jump on someone or get them quietly from behind (this isn’t sounding at all like what it’s supposed to sound like) you could erase anyone’s memory about anything at anytime. You could have had your memory partly erased and never known about it. So you have to constantly ask your friends, “Hey K, did you ever flashy thing me? Did you ever flashy thing me?”

Which begs the question — is she just thinking about what she wants to erase? Is that how the spell works? What kind of mental work must be done to make sure she only removes herself from their memories and not like, the ability to speak? Also, does that mean she could also just be like, whenever her mother is yelling at her, “Forget that you just saw me banging that guy in my room when you came home early,” and she gets off the hook? That’s pretty convenient and dangerous.

Also — how come the pictures are altering too, Back to the Future style? Just because you erase memories doesn’t mean you can change reality. I mean, I’m fine with it because it adds to the emotion and gives a visual representation of what she’s doing… but also I’m sure they’ve still got report cards somewhere.

Wait — does this mean she’s no longer part of the system? Is she just erased from the muggle information grid because of this?

But yeah, anyway, it’s really sad. Just the idea that she’s doing this — this made me sadder than Sirius’s death, Dumbledore’s death and Dobby’s death (in the movies, anyway).

Also, because I can’t let this go without a joke — in this scene, all her parents were doing were sitting on the couch, having tea. There’s no TV anywhere, no books — it’s a pretty nondescript home. So, they’re dentists, they don’t own a TV, and their idea of a good afternoon is some tea and staring out at the wall… maybe she did them a favor.

I like that she’s the only one with a semi-conscience about this whole thing. After all, it is her sister’s son, and he’s basically in line to be murdered by the same guy who murdered her.

I bet he’s thinking about the real estate ramifications on this.

“That little shit could flip this house for thousands…”

Nice shot. This is really the last time we get to see Privet Drive properly.

They seem to have updated the cars accurately, though, right?

This is also the only final moment we get with him and Vernon. I feel like in the book there was a little bit more of a scene, where there was a sense of closure on their whole relationship. This is more like a brief glance that we infer from rather than us getting anything substantial. Which is upsetting, since I was hoping they’d give them a slight bit of redemption or at least that brief moment of, “I hope you’re all right. I really don’t hate you all that much.” Because that’s kind of how the book felt (if I remember correctly). I remember it being a nice little moment. And here it almost comes off as, “You’ve finally done it, have you? Driven us out of our home with your magic.”

It’s also really obvious to everyone that Petunia wasn’t available to shoot the same days Vernon and Dudley were. Just to throw that out there. You only see her for the one shot in the car, and all the wide shots feature only Vernon and Dudley. That’s definitely a case of her being unavailable and then bringing her in for a couple hours just to make her present and then cut her into the scene so it looked like she was there the whole time. This is the kind of stuff you start noticing after a couple thousand movies.

Anyway, you think they’re gonna go back to live in that lighthouse?

It’s still sad.

Though you’d think once their memories were wiped, they’d turn around and be like, “Who is this person in our house?” They don’t even notice a “stranger” staggering outside like a hobo?

This is the walk someone has when they’ve just committed a homicide.

Also, dropping a bit of a Dark Knight score here, are we?

Oh, it’s Snape!

Walking through the security locks like they ain’t shit.

Colin:

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS FLYING THING IS? PLEASE!

It’s Limbo Mist. We’ve decided it, therefore it’s canon.

They make Snape look like a bat, too. Not quite full Death Eater wisp, not quite shapely form, either. I have no idea what the logic behind any of it is.

I could go along with it if it’s just Death Eaters, but we saw the good guys use it too. Once. And then never again. Strange stuff.

Can’t believe it took us six whole movies to get here.

Great shots.

Great lighting. This reminds me of a shot in Gone With the Wind, at the end, where Scarlett’s on the stairs crying after Rhett leaves, and she just looks like this black shape on the stairs and almost ceases to look like a person. I love when films do that. Light someone so dark it’s almost as if they blend into their surroundings. (You can’t eliminate the movie geek, you can only contain it.) (Ditto for the asshole.)

Ah, they’re awarding the House Cup.

I wonder if Voldemort also has some “last minute points” to award. (Dumbledouche.)

Is this a bad time to ask for your number?

Who hasn’t walked into a genocidal maniac’s mansion and seen one of their longtime colleagues suspended in mid-air?

“Severus. I was beginning to worry you’d lost your way.”

Great line.

These must be great dinner parties.

Colin:

I am such a huge fan of big, evil meetings happening around an enormous table. It reminds me of Thunderball. The boss asks questions of everyone, someone gets singled out, tries to answer things and gets killed. Or at least that’s how it’s supposed to go.

What does Voldemort eat?

Anyway, Snape says it’s happening next Saturday night.

I’m presuming he means the Sadie Hawkins dance.

I love the idea of him sitting in a chair. Or doing anything inside in a civilized manner. It’s interesting to think about how far we’ve come with this guy. At first, he was “dead” and existed only as part of Quirrell’s head. Then he was just sort of gone into that weird fetus body thing until Goblet of Fire. Since then, we don’t really know where he’s been or what he’s been doing. We don’t know how he sustains himself, what he eats, where he sleeps, if he fucks anyone. And most of the time we’ve seen him, he’s been outdoors — in forests, graveyards, flying around, killing people — so it’s funny to me to see him sitting in a dining room.

Can you imagine him at a social gathering? The Dolohov Christening or something?

Anyway, Yaxley (what up, Peter Mullan?) says it’s not happening until the 30^th.

It being Harry being moved from Privet Drive, which is protected from Voldemort until Harry turns 17.

Snape says this is bullshit. The Aurors —

— ain’t got shit to do with Harry no more.

They don’t trust the Ministry.

Considering this is one of the Ministry’s top officials, I’d say it’s warranted.

That’s Pius Thicknesse, by the way.

Which — what a great name to call someone — Thickness.

“What say you, Pius?”

This sounds like a senate session from the 30s.

Colin:

I assume you mean a senate session from the 30s BC, cause I haven’t heard of a politician called ‘Pius’ since the days of the Second Triumvirate. 

Oh, read a goddamn book, people.

The second Triumvirate is Destiny’s Child post-Beyoncé.

Also, I love that they just take over Malfoy Manor for these meetings. It’s like during the Revolutionary War when the soldiers would just show up at people’s places and be like, “We’re camping here. We need food and people to tend to the wounded. It’s for the cause.” That’s exactly what’s going on right now.

And somehow Jason Isaacs is involved with both situations.

He says one hears many things. Whether they’re true or not is unclear.

“Ha! Spoken like a true politician!”

Voldemort made a funny.

Why is nobody laughing? Not only is that funny, this motherfucker seems like the type that’ll kill you if nobody laughs at his jokes. You laugh and you don’t stop clapping. These are Stalin rules.

Colin:

The only Stalin rules I’m familiar with are that you have to acknowledge and say that Stalin rules.

Or else they hold your arm behind your back and make you say “dyadya.”

Snape says they’re moving Harry to the home of someone in the Order. Once he’s there, it’s impractical to attack.

Right, but you taking down an entire school in a few months isn’t impractical at all. Also, I like how it’s the home of “someone.” Do we really not fucking know which place it is? There are literally two choices. And one of them you have access to, motherfucker.

“I’ll do it.”

Of course you will.

Colin:

“Is there gonna be murder? Can we do murder? I wanna do it! Let me!” Take it easy, sweetheart.

“As inspiring as I find your bloodlust, Bellatrix –”

“I must be the one to kill Harry Potter.”

I love how she sits back in shame. This is the definition of the word “slunk.”

I also like that Lucius is just holding up a glass of champagne for no reason.

Even Voldemort plays the wand/dick game.

Colin:

He’s been holed up in this place for like two years now doing absolutely nothing. You’d think that by now he’d have gotten around to getting a nose.

The problem is that his wand and Harry’s wand are like twins. They can wound one another but cannot kill.

Why? Just because of the phoenix feather? Or because of the horcrux thing? Maybe explain why this is or maybe how you found it out.

If Voldemort’s gonna kill Harry, it has to be with another person’s wand. So who wants the privilege?

Anyone? Bueller?

Lucius.

Of course Lucius.

Colin:

This is where you see how the Malfoys are basically establishment Republicans. They have money, and they have power, but more so with the money. Any group of bad guys falls somewhere on the spectrum of ideological to money-driven. Purely ideological is like Bane’s followers in The Dark Knight Rises. When he tells one of the guys that he’ll have to die in the plane’s crash, and the guy gladly does it for the cause.

See: Bellatrix’s face in the background of this shot for an example of those people.

Colin:

Malfoy ain’t doing that. He’s with the cause because he’s somewhat ideological, but you know that he’d rather live rich in a world full of muggle-lovers than be poor and uncomfortable in a pureblooded paradise.

This is exactly what happened with the Republican Party when the Tea Party showed up. At first, they were excited about the new influx of power, but once they realized they couldn’t necessarily control the movement, and that Tea Partiers would even threaten some of the GOP’s monetary interests, they freaked the fuck out.

“Lucius?”

“Give me your wand, Lucius.”

“I said give me your wand, Lucius.”

“Don’t make me use my pimp hand.”

“Do I detect – Elm?”

“Yes, my Lord.”

“Ahh.”

Like he knows all about wands. This is great. It’s even funnier when you know he’s got the actual wand guru locked down in the dungeon.

Snap!

And the core is dragon heartstring.

He’s such a dick. I love this.

“Motherfucker, when I say give me your wand, you better give it to me immediately.”

“The fuck you think this is…”

Oh, right, we got her to take care of.

That’s Charity Burbage. Former Muggle Studies professor.

The use of the word “former” is pretty great. Since she’s still the Muggle Studies professor, he’s just operating under the assumption that she’s basically dead because he’s going to murder her. At no point did she stop being the Muggle Studies professor until he abducted her. And even then, she’s still technically that… for a couple more seconds.

Burbage thinks muggles are not so different from wizards.

“She would, given her way, have us mate with them.”

And yet you laugh at that? The politician joke was much funnier and way less 1864.

“Severus, please.”

Very poor choice of words.

Dead.

Colin:

Never liked her class anyway.

I wonder just how he managed to abduct her. Black bag job at the market? Or did he pull a Sollozzo and just do it right out in the middle of the street outside Best & Co.?

“Nagini – dinner.”

Colin:

Damn, that Ekans is at LEAST lvl 32.

Crazy when you think that the subsequent prequel franchise retconned this snake into a person.

These movies were released in 3D.

In case you couldn’t tell.

He’s having flashbacks. Like it’s fucking ‘Nam or something.

Do you think he still has Cedric dreams or is it one trauma at a time?

He also looking at someone in a glass shard.

Which is never explained, by the way. Where the shard is from or how he got it. And we don’t even find out who it is until the next movie. So great job there, film.

This motherfucker still really likes owls.

How hard is it to figure out who R.A.B. is. They fucking SAID the name Regulus Black last movie!

He’s also taking more notes on this than he has in any of his classes, ever.

Nice shot.

Colin:

Wait, so he has the whole place to himself! Go back to that diner and find the waitress! Dumbledore’s not around to cockblock you this time!

Aww, we went from one bedroom to another.

That’s a nice callback.

And you know it’s a nice callback, since we all immediately remembered it when we saw it, and they never even made them a big deal in the first place. That’s one of the best subtle callbacks in a movie I’ve ever seen.

Colin:

Time to start melting them down for bullets.

Now THAT’S a reference!

There’s someone at the door. (He always has such good looks when he’s in the cupboard.)

It’s weird that he answers the door. I guess he knows it’s happening, but still. Where does the level of protection on the house begin? Can Death Eaters not enter Privet Drive? Can they walk up to the sidewalk and not enter the walkway to the front door? Can they go to the front door and not do anything else? What’s the deal? Can Voldemort just ring the doorbell and blast Harry in the fucking face when he opens it? Is that protection thing ever explained?

Also, I like the framing of this shot. You know automatically who it is based on where he’s looking. That’s a nice touch.

“Hello, Harry!”

Ron’s the first hug this time.

“You’re looking fit.”

“Yeah, he’s absolutely gorgeous. Let’s say we get under cover before someone murders him.”

Oh, Moody. I’ve missed you.

Colin:

It’s great how Mad Eye makes comments like we would.

“Kingsley, I thought you were looking after the prime minister.”

“You are more important.”

Well there’s a self-esteem booster.

Colin:

KINGSLEY MOTHERFUCKING SHACKLEBOLT! I love him. Easily the biggest badass to ever work for the Ministry of Magic.

I also like that he says this, since the Minister is gonna get killed in like, a week.

But, he is going to become Minister himself one day. And will be succeeded by Hermione. So there’s a lot of political future in this room right now.

It’s Bill Weasley. (Funnily enough played by Brendan Gleeson’s actual son.) Remember Bill? He trains dragons in Romania.

Not one mention as to why Fleur is there, either. Another one of those assumptions that you understood from the book. They all just sort of treat it as normal, too. Like, “Oh, hey, Fleur.” Not even a, “What the fuck? Fleur?” “Oh, right. Harry, we’re fucking. Move past it.”)

Also, do you think Harry brings up the fact that he saved his fiancée’s life to Bill? Does that earn him prima nocta rights or something? How does that work? And how does it work that Bill’s younger brother has thought about her more than a couple times while jackin’ it and openly had a crush on her? Just curious.

Colin:

Fleur. What’s up? I know you don’t wanna be married to no werewolf, look me up.

Actually, why couldn’t there have been some fine Japanese witches?

This is what our Harry Potter TV series is for.

Colin:

Can we please do that? I’m not even the biggest Harry Potter fan, and I know we’d be brilliant at it. PAY US MONEY.

The funny thing is — I’m not kidding about this. I’d treat it deadly seriously. I joke about it here, but I’m actually fascinated by this stuff and want to explore these avenues. Not even for a joke. Just to see where they go. Normally I wouldn’t want to go near something like this, but here, I’d fucking jump at the chance.

Bill’s a werewolf. Courtesy of Greyback.

That sounds like some band that would be playing outside a micropub in Bushwick.

“Just remember, Fleur, Bill takes his steaks on the raw side now.”

“My husband the joker.”

Another thing they just threw in there. Which is a shame. I’m more interested in stuff like this than in some major events that’ve happened in this franchise. I want to know how these people got together. Expand on shit.

Though, while I like the story of how Tonks and Lupin got together, the downside to it is that in the seventh book, they turn Lupin into a whiny bitch for half of it. He comes to Harry, crying, until Harry is like, “Yo, man the fuck up and stop it.” It pissed me off so much that they did that. Lupin sort of became my de facto favorite after they killed Sirius, and then they completely neutered him for part of that book and killed him off-screen. Thanks, Rowling (J.K.)

(By the way, Colin — thank you for that.)

But back to my original point — these two were shown as a couple out of nowhere, and now all of a sudden they’re married. And it’s like, “When did that happen?” Which is the case with… what, four relationships now? Three involving Weasleys.

Also, do they ever mention that Tonks is Bellatrix’s niece? It’s strange the stuff they don’t bring up in the movies, when it’s so simple to do so and adds actual layers of character depth without having to do any lifting.

“By the way – wait til you hear the news. Remus and I –”

Are swingers. Yeah, we know.

“Out of the way.”

I can’t decide if that’s good or bad exposition. I wanna say it’s good, since we can infer what the news was, and they don’t waste time on it and move along. But on the other hand, I can’t help but feel as if they didn’t come out and say it because it would be too fucked up or something when they both get killed later. (Spoiler alert – everybody dies.)

Time for cozy catch-up later. They gotta break out.

Harry’s still underage, which means he’s got the trace on him.

Which I guess means no wizarding amber alerts, huh? That’s a positive of all this, I guess.

They have to use magic the Ministry can’t trace. “Brooms, thestrals and the like.”

Colin:

Why can’t they just remove the trace? Aren’t they Ministry? Or at least Kingsley is. We know it can be done, cause there are plenty of people who move around without being traced, like the Death Eaters. One would also assume that anyone in Azkaban had a trace, so the people who escaped would have had to get rid of theirs in a hurry. But whatever, at least she’s making an effort to explain why they have to do something incredibly dangerous instead of just taking the floo network or something.

This is just making me think about wizard sex offenders and how that would be an interesting idea for the Harry Potter TV series.

Though I guess Death Eaters are kind of like wizard sex offenders. Mixed with Nazis, too. Since they have that tattoo they have to carry around with them forever and ever. Which — I’m thinking of Inglourious Basterds. Since, actually, in this universe, it’s the Nazis who have the tattoos, and not, you know… the other way around.

Also, have we asked this question — where were wizards during the actual Holocaust? I mean, sure, Grindelwald was at the same time, but come on now.

They’re gonna go in pairs.

“That way, if anyone’s out there waiting for us – and I reckon there will be – they won’t know which Harry Potter is the real one.”

The real one?

“I believe you’re familiar with this particular brew.”

Gallows humor.

Deathly Gallows humor.

(By the way, have you met me? I’m fucking hilarious.)

Harry’s like, “Fuck no. You ain’t doing that shit.”

Colin:

You know he’s just worried that they’ll all become him and find out he’s got a little dick. Which, he’s the Chosen One, you know he’s just TINY. You don’t get to be both.

“Told you he’d take it well.”

Best and smartest character in the franchise.

Also, you know why he’s not taking it well? Not because they’re risking their lives for him, but because he’s gotta be the one to suffer, not everyone else.

Harry’s like, “If you think I’m gonna let you all risk your lives for me…”

Good thing Ron’s like, “Oh, like we’ve never done that before, huh, motherfucker?”

Which is absolutely true. I don’t get Harry’s point of view here. What’s the difference between them doing it and them not doing it? They’re still gonna get him out of there. They’re all gonna do this. How the fuck do you think you’re gonna get out of there? Why is it worse that they’re gonna look like you? I don’t understand this logic. (He’s a fucking Gryffindor, is what it is.) What, did you think you were gonna leave on your own and that would be it? Why the fuck do you think everyone is here? To stand in a line and wave to you as you walk out the door?

“Everyone here is of age, Potter. They’ve all agreed to take the risks.”

Wait… Hermione’s not of age. Her birthday’s in September.

Hooray, logic!

“Technically, I’ve been coerced.”

That’s Mundungus Fletcher.

It seems like the only bald people in this franchise are either outright evil or really shifty.

Also – Harry Potter porn parody – Mandingus Felcher.

You’re welcome.

“Shut the fuck up, Mundungus!”

“All right, Granger. As discussed.”

That’s awesome. That’s a fucking soldier, right there.

Hey, now’s a good time to mention — remember how you have that magical cloak that makes people unable to see you? That might be a good additional plan on top of this one.

Look at that – complete and utter purpose. If there was ever going to be a Valerie Plame of the wizarding world – this is her.

What would happen if Harry drank that right now?

“For those who haven’t taken Polyjuice potion before, fair warning – it tastes like Goblin piss.”

“Have a lot of experiences with that, do you, Mad Eye?”

If there was ever a wizard who would Crucio you for fun, it’s this guy.

Holy shit, look at Hermione.

“What has it got in its pocketses, Precious?”

This is a great shot. A continuous loop around the room, and we end with –

There’s a Christmas card.

“Wow, we’re identical!”

Not yet they’re not, though.

Who had to go out and buy those clothes? I really want to know who they made go get those clothes. Because they brought that shit. It wasn’t already here.

Colin:

This all seems incredibly unnecessary, too. I feel absurd taking Mission: Impossible II as a positive example for anything, but why not take a bad guy and make him look like Harry? Make HIM take the Polyjuice. Then make Harry look like someone else entirely. You’re all still at risk, but it means that anyone attacking will probably be satisfied once the “Harry” goes down. This is like when Tom Cruise duct tapes the bad guy’s mouth shut and uses masks to swap identities with him. That seems like a million times safer and smarter. Plus, you know that there’s a spell like “Face/Officus.”

Look at that shirt!

I love that they made him do this.

Colin:

I do have to give Radcliffe credit for his acting here, cause you can tell who’s who by his facial expressions. It’s funny, but you can still tell that the one making the goon face is Mundungus. And he had to wear a bra for the bit with Fleur. Hah.

“I knew Ginny was lying about that tattoo.”

“Harry, your eyesight really is awful.”

Each Potter is gonna have a protector.

Moody’s gonna stay with Mundungus. As for Harry –

“Yes.”

“The real Harry, you fucks.”

He’s riding with Hagrid.

“I brought you here sixteen years ago, when you were no bigger than a bowtruckle. Seems only right that I should be the one to take you away now.”

Fair, and kinda sweet in its own way. But you don’t think that might be something they’d consider too?

“All, right, enough with the sentimental bullshit. I’m getting misty.”

Now, here’s my question – who can’t figure out this system? Obviously Harry is gonna be with Hagrid, Moody or Lupin. Arthur’s gonna be with one of the twins, Kingsley’s gonna be with Ron or Hermione, and Bill is gonna be with Fleur. Not that outsiders would know who the people pretending to be Harry are, but you can already assume two of them are Ron and Hermione. Actually, I more blame Moody for the system more than anything else. (Which does come back to Rowling, but still.) At least actually make it difficult to figure out. Put Harry with Kingsley or Tonks or something and then random it up. That’s how you do it. You can still keep Mundungus with you. Just – don’t make it so obvious.

Though apparently Voldemort couldn’t figure it out, since he goes after Moody first, figuring Harry would be with the strongest of the bunch, and then when Mundungus bails and Moody is killed, he goes after Kingsley and Hermione. (I fucking told you Kingsley would be with one of them. I was just guessing up there.) And then Harry pulls his Expelliarmus shit and he goes off after him.

Hedwig was released out into the wild. Bye, Hedwig!

Colin:

People get that, I fucking hope.

Now, if anyone was watching this happen, they already know who the real Harry is.

Also, why wouldn’t you attack now? Seriously, guys. You want the element of surprise — that’s it.

“Head for the Burrows.”

What Burrows? It’s gone, remember?

Also where are the Burrows, exactly? The movies never tell us how far a trip this actually is.

I love how after sixteen years, he still has that fucking thing.

Colin:

It’s funny cause this is Hagrid’s “Eleanor.”

I need to see heists in this universe. I need it so badly.

Kingsley Shacklebolt on a thestral might be the most badass thing in the world.

I love that I put this here before Colin even watched the movie and made his comment up there.

Seriously, though, how fucking easy is it to figure out this system?

And away we go!

I love him standing there as this is all happening.

Which — probably a good time to ask — are Portkeys traced too? Feels like that would be way easier.

This is also one of the most badass shots in the franchise, coming up.

That’s how you ride a broom!

Shit’s going down already.

Scar.

They have to show it to you. It’s like a compulsion.

This is awesome, this shot. Just bam – WAR!

Colin:

This is some straight up WWII shit. Remember in Goblet of Fire (Part I) when I speculated that Voldemort might control the Luftwaffe? Oh, but then we found out later in that film from Krum’s heel click that Hermione’s probably a Nazi, too. Hermione Goering. 

This shot is straight out of The Aviator too.

They are so vastly outnumbered that the only thing truly keeping Harry alive right now (as it has all along) is Voldemort’s insistence on doing the deed himself.

There’s Kingsley, being a boss, as per usual.

And there’s Moody, shooting OVER HIS SHOULDER!

Harry wants to go help the others. Which is dumb. And Hagrid’s like, “I can’t. Mad Eye’s orders.” Which, how about just saying, “We’re doing this to save YOU, motherfucker! Why would we stay and fight?”

Also, they know that if any of the Harry’s fought, he’d give himself away immediately with his bitch-ass spells.

He got some nitrous in there?

Colin:

Just like Eleanor!

He means Roosevelt.

Goddamn, Hagrid.

I guess we’re past the point of “risking exposure of our world,” huh?

Toad’s Turnpike?

Red shell!

AHHHHHH!

Green shell!

Yeah, that’s about what a green shell shot forward would do.

Oh, shit, they playing the extra level now.

What’s funny is, we all know exactly what part of the level this is, too.

Don’t remember being able to do that, though.

But I guess it’s the equivalent of the star.

Oh shit, he’s running on top of a bus.

Explain to me how he ended up back inside that thing, again.

So Hagrid just got shot in the head.

Yeah, right, like you could support Hagrid’s weight and keep control of the bike long enough to lift it up into the air.

Hedwig?

SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!

Oh, right. I forgot they did this. They made it so Hedwig was what made everyone realize who the real Harry is, and not that pussy ass Expelliarmus shit he pulled in the books.

Avada Ke-DEAD!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, shoot it in the fucking face.

Crazy how Hedwig knew which one the real Harry was.

But yeah, it’s sad or whatever.

That’s how you know you’re fucked.

That’s right, Harry. He knows.

Let’s take a minute to talk about this. Because I actually like this a lot better than I did in the book. Well – they’re different. But which is better isn’t the point right now.

In the book, Harry uses an Expelliarmus, and all the Death Eaters are like, “That’s him! That’s the real one! That’s his trademark spell! Only the real Harry would use such a weak ass spell in a fight!” and that’s when they knew. And then later, Lupin almost fucking kills him, like, “Motherfuckin’ Expelliarmus?!! Are you fucking kidding me?!!!” and he yells at him for being such a bitch and not fighting like a man.

The reason I remember this moment so fondly is because our friend Shiho went on a crazy rant about this one day, and it might have been the funniest re-creation/commentary I’ve ever heard. Because Harry actually was a huge bitch in the books and refused to use anything but Expelliarmus. At least here they made Stupefy his spell, which redeems him a little bit.

Scar’s hurting. (Or he’s nutting in his pants.)

Here he comes.

I really like this shot. This is one of those shots that stuck out to me over all the screenshots I’ve taken. I don’t know why. It just has.

Though, on a bike like that, given what’s happening, there’s no way that’s not burning his face.

This is great. Voldemort knows how to be a final boss.

That his wand just did that automatically like a magnet is probably a giveaway too.

Great shot.

They don’t explain this at all, either. Why the wand is acting on its own. But it’s still a great shot. (We can kind of infer why it’s doing this, though, so I will give it a pass. There are worse offenses in this movie to call out.)

Lucius’s weak ass wand ain’t no match for phoenix feather, motherfucker.

Uh oh.

Boom.

“NOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Well there goes the power for like, half a county.

Passing through the magical barrier.

Wait… didn’t they end up at a house in the book? And not this hut?

I could have sworn they go into a house, and Hagrid is almost dead for part of it. I remember reading it and thinking Hagrid might actually be dead for a good minute.

“Sure you don’t want to buy any drugs?”

Well that got rebuilt quickly. (By whom, I might ask.)

Sup, Ginny?

I guess they didn’t let her go because she’s not of age? Or is it like a Private Ryan thing? Leave one of the kids behind in case.

Also, remember how Percy isn’t a part of this at all? That’s because he’s a Republican.

“Is no one else back?”

“They should be back by now.”

Lupin and George. Minus an ear.

THERE IT IS!

MOTHERFUCKIN’ EXPELLIARMUS?!?!!!

“What creature sat in the corner the first time Harry Potter visited my office in Hogwarts?”

What? I don’t even fucking know that. How’s he gonna know it?

It’s a Grindylow, apparently.

They did not show us that in the movies. In fact, do you guys even remember the first time Harry went into Lupin’s office?

Lupin says they’ve been betrayed. Voldielocks knew he was being moved. He had to make sure Harry was Harry.

Oh…kay. Not gonna worry about Hagrid being Hagrid? Not gonna ask Hagrid what happened? Seems kind of a quick conclusion to jump to, that Harry’s not Harry. I sort of get it, it just feels like a weird way to go about it. What if Harry didn’t know the answer? What happens then?

Well damn.

Yeah, that’s right. Might want to be a bit hesitant. You just pulled a wand on Kingsley Shacklebolt. That doesn’t end well.

“The last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us.”

“Cradle the balls, work the shaft.”

“What gave you away?”

“Hedwig, I think.”

I love how quick they were to get rid of the real reason. This is hysterical. I’m glad they actually found a way to improve upon the text in the films. That’s twice now in this film.

Colin:

This game is hard. I wouldn’t remember that shit, I’d be paraphrasing. “Eh, he said something about…what was it? He was talking about how fucking awesome Taco Bell is and then he said something about Harry being a good guy or whatever.” Point being, Dumbledore loved Taco Bell. Imagine Michael Gambon saying the words, “Cheesy Gordita Crunch.”

I’d rather just hear him say the word “memory” a couple of times.

Bill and Fleur are back.

That just leaves Arthur and Fred and Ron and Tonks.

Make that Arthur and Fred.

This shot is causing all sorts of confusion.

Colin:

This shot is a perfect summary of their relationship. Hermione runs up to hug [what appears to be] Harry, and when she pulls back, she finds herself holding Ron fucking Weasley. Oh well.

Tonks says Ron was brilliant. She wouldn’t be standing here without him.

“Really?”

“You know you’re gonna have to get nasty now, right?”

Aww…

And the last.

How come Lupin didn’t question anyone after Kingsley? Tonks could have been an impostor too. Your plan seems flawed.

“Are we the last back? Where’s George?”

“How you feeling, Georgie?”

“Saintlike.”

“Come again.”

“Saintlike. I’m holy.”

“I’m hole-y, Fred. Get it?”

“The whole wide world of ear-related humor, and you go for ‘I’m hole-y’? That’s pathetic.”

“Mad Eye’s dead.”

Says the guy played by his son.

Colin:

And Mad Eye’s dead. Where’s Slughorn when you need him? Someone should go grab that mad eye and squish it into something. I bet it’s pretty magical.

So what happened was, Mundungus bailed at the first sign of trouble, which made them able to kill Mad Eye with no repercussions. Turns out coercing sleazy pieces of shit might not be the best idea in a life-or-death scenario.

Fleur’s not wearing a bra right now.

What?

 

I like how nobody’s particularly surprised. If anyone was almost assured to be dead after that battle, it was Moody.

Colin:

This is a good call, too. Anyone who watches WWII dogfighting movies knows that the second your wingman leaves, you’re done for.*

*Also applicable to picking up chicks in clubs.

Where do you think he landed?

Anyway, Harry has some fucked up dreams. Most of it’s shit we’ve seen before, but this part’s new. Voldemort torturing Ollivander for information.

“I can’t jerk off to that.”

“But this can.”

Usually the opposite is what happens.

Right?

“Going somewhere?”

Aww… it’s the Sam and Frodo moment.

What’s funny is, this is what Colin wrote in his notes:

Colin:

“If I take one more step, it’ll be the farthest from home I’ve ever been.”

Sorry, two gay guys with British accents standing in a field of crops.

“Nobody else is gonna die. Not for me.”

And then Ron’s like, “Dude, it’s not always about you. This has more to do with you, you megalomaniacal son of a bitch.”

Colin:

Remember when Mike said that Ron is just around to say the right thing at the right time? Bingo. This kid is so fucking full of himself. They didn’t get killed for you, you’re just a piece of this whole other big thing.

Yeah, you know what Harry? You lose all decision-making privileges. 

“Come with me.”

“And leave Hermione? Are you mad? We wouldn’t last two days without her.”

I’m choosing to interpret this statement differently than he means it.

“Don’t tell her I said that.”

Besides, he’s still got the trace on him. And the wedding…

Harry don’t give a fuck about no wedding. He needs to start finding the horcruxes.

Jesus…

Anyway, Harry agrees to stay.

Also probably the right move, to not go anywhere until they can’t track you.

Ron wonders if Voldemort knows when a horcrux is destroyed.

I don’t know, but I bet he knows when a part of the movie is finished, because that’s the END OF PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we move onto Part II, and Hermione being a boss. Again.

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