Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010), Part II — “Good Cop/Bad Cop/Neutral Cop/Elf”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, Part II.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - Title Card

We begin Part II like The Godfather.

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At a wedding.

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Skeet Face is back.

Colin:

What does she know about it?

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“Get out of my closet!”

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The Elphul Doger.

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“Zip me up, will you?”

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“How could you not be thinking about dick at a time like this?” – this movie

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“It seems silly, doesn’t it? A wedding? Given everything that’s going on?”

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Now, I’m not particularly bright, but it seems to be that just about anything a woman says during a wedding, a baby shower or a funeral is loaded with subtext. Just… gonna throw that out there.

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“Well maybe that’s the best reason to have it.”

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Naturally it’s time to make out.

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Ha ha, George.

Colin:

George is my hero.

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“Morning.”

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Holy shit, that was fucking hysterical.

Colin:

George is my hero.

There are two types of “you’re fucking my sister” looks. This is the latter.

Every penny of it.

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Ha ha. Hagrid’s using an umbrella still.

Oh, that’s right… he’s not allowed a wand, is he? How come they never let him go back to school, again?

(Harry Potter TV series idea: Back to School)

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“What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”

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Hello, friends.

“So what do we owe the pleasure, Minister?”

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“I think we both know the answer to that question, Mr. Potter.”

(He has that Maggie Smith accent.)

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A subpoena.

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Dumbledore’s will.

Colin:

When Fudge was Minister of Magic, he was doing all kinds of random shit, like overseeing Buckbeak’s funeral. Now Rufus is coming here in the middle of a war to read a will. I guess it’s Dumbledore’s will, but still.

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To Ron(ald Bilius Weasley), he leaves his deluminator.

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“In the hope that when things seem most dark, it will show him the light.”

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This is almost blatant Rings dialogue. CATE BLANCHETT SAID THESE EXACT SAME WORDS TO FRODO IN FELLOWSHIP.

(And Colin’s notes?)

Colin:

Okay, is it just me with the Lord of the Rings parallels? This “deluminator” thing is a lot like the Phial of Galadriel that she gives to Frodo, and even the little blurb to Ron in the will sounds like what she says to Frodo as they’re leaving in the boats. The whole, “May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.”

(And ironically, Bill Nighy played Cate’s husband in Notes on a Scandal. So once again, this all comes back to Judi Dench.)

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Hey, it works just like it did in the first movie.

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(The light on the glasses reminds me of Elijah Wood in Sin City.)

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To Hermione (Jean Granger), he leaves his copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, “in the hopes that she find it entertaining and instructive.”

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Molly used to read those to him. Babbity Rabbity and the Cackling Stump.

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“Come on, Babbity Rabbity!”

Colin:

This is like when you’re talking to your foreign friends and they don’t know Goodnight Moon. And you have to be like, “Fuck this conversation, we’re adjourning until you’ve fucking read Goodnight Moon.”

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Come on, class, say it with me now. Y’all know what I’m gonna say.

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To Harry (James Potter), he leaves the snitch he caught in his first Quidditch game, “as a reminder of the rewards of perseverance and skill.”

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“Is that it, then?”

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He also left Harry the sword of Godric Gryffindor. Which wasn’t his to give away. Hermione argues that the sword came to Harry in the Chamber of Secrets, but Scrimgeour says it can present itself to people, but that doesn’t mean it’s their property.

The “I can fuck who I want” argument.

Colin:

Hermione’s trying to tell the Minister of Magic that the sword belongs to Harry even though it’s not Dumbledore’s to give (true) and that it’s an important historical artifact.

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Plus the sword is missing. So that’s really the more important of the reasons why he can’t have it.

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Scrimgeour says he doesn’t know what Harry’s up to, but he can’t fight the war on his own.

Which – one, he’s right. Also, in the book, wasn’t this scene a lot more tense than they played it? I feel like when he showed up in the book, nobody really knew where his allegiances were. So when he showed up, they didn’t know if he was there to arrest them or what. And he was asking questions, trying to figure out what was going, and they were wary of whether or not they could trust him, so they got worried the shit Dumbledore left would get Scrimgeour to realize what was going on, and the whole thing played like that.

I remember in the book thinking, “Can we trust this guy or not?” And then later we find out he was only trying to help them the whole time and then he gets killed and it’s like, “Oh, that’s sad. He actually was a good guy.”

But I remember the scene in the book being really tense, because at first they didn’t know why he was there, and then they didn’t know what Dumbledore was gonna give them and what it would give away as to their intentions, and then whether or not Scrimgeour was on their side or not. It was a really nice scene. And here, you don’t really get the sense of what’s going on. It’s more awkward than anything.

Oh, also, in case you don’t know (and how would you, if you’re only watching the movies) – Scrimgeour is Minister because Fudge had to resign after being so horribly wrong about Voldemort. He basically got impeached, but resigned before that could happen. Like Nixon.

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Wedding time. Actual wedding time.

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I thought that was just an Italian thing.

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Every time there’s a shot like this, with someone’s head turned sideways, all I hear is James McAvoy screaming, “BRIONY!”

And then I make a cunt joke.

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Well damn, that was easier than usual.

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Country bumpkins.

Colin:

Sam’s finally having a dance with Rosie Cotton. Oh. Never mind, I’ll shut up about the Lord of the Rings movies.

No you won’t. We haven’t even begun to get into the comparisons.

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Now that’s my kind of spell!

Colin:

This is clearly the most impressive and awesome magical thing we’ve ever seen in this franchise. These booze glasses fill themselves? Oh yes.

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Everybody bangs a bridesmaid.

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They must be related.

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Now that’s a dress.

(I see you’ve played Dressy Pantsy before.)

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Yes. That face.

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Look, everyone – it’s my future.

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“Hi, Harry.”

(When did she get tits?)

“I’ve interrupted a deep thought, haven’t I?”

Colin:

Mr. Lovegood is tripping BALLS.

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“Not if you want to give me a Jack Handy out back right now…”

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Xenophilius Lovegood.

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He tells Harry he fully supported Dumbledore and now supports him.

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Weird symbol.

I wonder if that’ll be important later…

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“Come, Daddy. Harry doesn’t want to talk to us right now. He’s just too polite to say so.”

This is why I love this girl.

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Honestly, if he wasn’t old, I wouldn’t even be calling this my future.

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Elphias knew Dumbledore the longest. Next to Aberforth. You know, his brother. Marvin BERRY.

Harry didn’t even know Dumbledore had a brother.

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The old lady butts in, as old ladies are wont to do. She says someone who knew the Dumbledore family well talked to Skeet Face.

Bathilda Bagshot.

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“Who?”

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“Motherfucker, she WROTE “A History of Magic”! Can’t you read?”

(It’s actually pretty accurate that he wouldn’t know who that was. Since when have we ever actually seen Harry learn anything or read a book?)

Skeet Face went to Godric’s Hollow to talk to Bagshot.

(I feel like a certain form of ejaculation should be known as the Bathilda Bagshot.)

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Oh, so he’s heard of the place.

Colin:

She keeps on saying shit that’s making him uncomfortable about someone he cares about. It reminds me of The Lady Eve where Stanwyck and Fonda have just gotten married and she’s rattling off this long list of all the guys she used to fuck while he freaks out.

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“Motherfucker, she met Dumbledore there. He lived there! Don’t you know anything?”

She even says, “Honestly, my boy, are you sure you knew him at all?”

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Ha ha, no you didn’t.

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Harry’s scar-ry senses are tingling.

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It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!

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Yeah, sure, let’s all stand there and watch the weird glowing ball of light. What could go wrong there?

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Oh, it talks.

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“The Ministry has fallen.”

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“The Minister of Magic is dead.”

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“They are coming.”

(Do they have a cave troll?)

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Color.

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That looks like an octopus on the table.

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Terrific coloring on the hair, here.

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They’re here!

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Stupefondue!

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People always wander around during chaos, don’t they?

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Well that guy’s gonna seem familiar in about ten minutes.

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“Ginny!”

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Lupin tells him to get the fuck out of here.

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Apparation.

(Good luck not hearing it that way from now on.)

Colin:

Ah, fuck.

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Good job, Hermione.

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London.

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Hermione doesn’t know why she thought of this place, it just popped into her head.

So apparation is like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man of the wizarding world?

Colin:

I like that they came here randomly. She can’t explain why it popped into her head, but it did and here they are. It’s nice when shit just happens and doesn’t look like it happened for some reason EVERY time.

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Yeah, sure, walk down an alley in that dress.

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They need to change.

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Undetectable extension charm.

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And she has changes of clothes for all of them.

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“You’re amazing, you are.”

(But actually, though. My friends can’t even remember to bring their own fucking keys with them places. This chick has OTHER PEOPLE’S stuff! And she don’t even tell them! It’s just in case!)

“Always the tone of surprise.”

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*thud*

“Ah… that’ll be the books.”

And she remains herself the entire time. Seriously – favorite character in the franchise.

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Harry thinks they should go back.

Honestly, this is what’s wrong with being a Gryffindor. They TOLD YOU to leave, and you want to go back.

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“Coffee?”

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Hermione orders a cappuccino. Ron has no idea what the fuck that is.

(Nice little character moment. Takes up no time, and yet we all understand why that is the case. It’s amazing how other franchises don’t seem to ever include something like this.)

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They need to figure out where to go.

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Harry left all his shit at the burrow. Hermione’s like, “I got yo shit, man.”

Which – seriously. That’s someone who is in charge of shit.

Colin:

Game. Granger.

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That’s not good.

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(This looks like the first act of The Aviator.)

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So they really have turned Harry’s trademark spell from Expelliarmus in the books to Stupefy in the movies.

I guess it really is his bread and butter.

Colin:

Still with the Stupefy charms. You know how you decrease the number of Death Eaters out there after you? Not with Stupefy. I can’t guarantee that I’d be cool killing someone if I had a lot of time to think first, but if shit was going down…yeah. I think if I was cornered, I’d probably panic, too. Come up with some shit like, “Fuck you-icus Totalus!”

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That would be me. That would totally be me.

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Petrificus Totalus.

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Quick draw.

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Colin:

Through the display case! Damn, Granger, you a scary mofo.

She just Petrificus Totalus’d him in the dick.

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Uhh…

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“Go. Leave.”

So, is this woman aware that some magical shit just happened, or, is she now PTSD? How does that work? I’m still unaware of where the line is drawn between magical and non-magical awareness.

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Time to hide the bodies.

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I’m so happy he used that. I’d have actually gone and gotten the lights. That makes me so happy that it’s actually being used.

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Look at Hermione — on point.

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“This one’s name’s Rowle. He was on the Astronomy Tower the night Snape killed Dumbledore.”

No he wasn’t. Go back and look. He might have shown up after, but the only three up there were Bellatrix, Greyback, and some weird looking fuck who looks nothing like this guy right here. Why would you say something we could check very easily? Motherfucker, I watched it two days ago!

He was also just at the wedding. How’d he change his clothes so quickly?

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“This is Dolohov. I recognize him from the wanted posters.”

(Seriously… Harry Potter western. This needs to happen.)

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Ron wants to kill him. Since hey, what if he’s the one who killed Mad Eye?

(Because that couldn’t have been Voldemort, could it?)

(It was.)

Colin:

Ron says this so creepily. “What we gonna do with you, eh?” And just after they close the blinds and turn off the lights like they’re about to get busy with the passed out guys. Better get on the phone.

He also says, “How would you feel then?”

Exactly the same way. What kind of emotional attachment did we have to Mad Eye, again? The only time we might have had one, it wasn’t him.

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Harry says wipe their memories instead.

Which, again, evidence that suggests this cannot be undone.

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“Hermione – you’re the best at spells.”

I was just about to ask why she’s giving him that look after he touched her face like that, but I realized – he’s about to make her relive doing the same shit to her parents.

Man, this writing is so much more complex than last film. I wonder if they fucked that one up in the editing room, and that’s why everything came out so all over the place. Because aside from some vagaries, this shit is got some nice moments to it.

Colin:

What was the creepy cheek caress, though? Jesus, Ron, you’re a fucking psycho.

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This is great. You know exactly what she’s thinking right now.

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This is so great. It’s a shame you can’t go deeper with these films, because this is a powerful moment. We can’t really dwell on it like you could with something else.

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They wonder how they found them. Hermione wonders if he still has the trace on him. Ron says they can’t trace him after 17, it’s wizarding law. (Which they just took over. So…)

There’s also a moment here where they’re walking and stop because they’re not sure who they can trust.

Colin:

There’s a guy running and immediately you get cautious. This is correct. Like when Mike is walking through a parking lot and hears a beeping sound.

Shiho remembers that. We ain’t even have to say a word, neither. We both just knew.

Okay, I’ll tell it:

Shiho and I are walking to lunch one day, and the way it worked was — there was our dorm, a small parking lot, and then the main building where the food was. And we’re walking across this parking lot, and we’re not really saying anything, and one of the cars just sounds like it’s ticking for whatever reason. And at first I think it’s just when a car is hot and someone just got out and it makes that clicking noise. But I realize — we’d have seen someone get out if that was the case. No one was around. So I just go, “Do you hear that too?” And he looks at me like, “Oh shit, so it’s just not me?” And within three seconds we both just fucking BOLTED. Because that’s what you do. No questions. That’s a bomb, you move. And it was great, since we didn’t have to say shit past, “Oh, we’re not hearing shit.” We just ran.

This is how I gauge my friends. If this shit is understood, we’re cool. Ain’t nothing weird about that, you fucking break out when you hear a mysterious ticking noise.

So anyway, they’re walking down this alleyway, and then Hermione stops:

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“We didn’t celebrate your birthday, Harry!”

She and Ginny baked a cake. They were gonna bring it out at the end of the wedding. They were gonna do lesbian shit.

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“Hermione, honestly, I appreciate the thought, but really, given the fact that we were almost killed by a couple of Death Eaters a couple of moments ago…”

Yeah, but… lesbian shit…

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They gotta go somewhere safe.

(Badass looks.)

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Oh that’s really safe.

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Does England really have chalk outlines around where the cars should go?

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You guys do realize Snape is able to get into this place, right?

Wasn’t that part of the worry in the book, too? That Snape was able to get into this place?

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“Hello?”

(Nice shot.)

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Seems all right.

(Seems cleaner, too. Amazing what harsh lighting does to a shithole instead of warm lighting.)

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Imhotep?

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Dumble…dore?

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DOO DOO CLOUD!

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I’d make those faces too. Look at that fucking thing.

Also, holy shit, he looks like Michael Jackson.

And she looks like she’s ready to take a BIG OLD DICK.

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Nah, that wasn’t Dumbledore. That was just farts and pixie dust, man.

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“Motherfucker, what was THAT?”

You are correct, Ron. What the fuck, was that? … motherfucker.

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Hermione uses a spell to reveal who’s there.

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“We’re alone.”

I love the slow pullback here. How it’s not actually a good thing.

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More dreams of torturing Ollivander.

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Terrific shot. Absolutely terrific.

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Still love the look of this place.

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Harry goes snooping.

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Wouldn’t it be fucked up if it had Spice Girls shit in there, and Beanie Babies?

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Colin:

Charming mobile. How did Sirius not end up as an evil psycho, again?

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Motherfucker, she actually wrote the book!

(Also, why would Sirius randomly have it in there? Or maybe, more appropriately, why would his mother preserve the room as it was when he ran away at 16? Wouldn’t you turn it into an exercise room or something?)

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Ron’s found something.

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That.

Colin:

Any other franchise, and you’d be like, “Yeah, right. There are HUNDREDS of RABs out there.” But in the Harry Potter universe, there aren’t even hundreds of people out there.

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♫ “I dreamed a dream of time gone by…” ♫

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Yes, thank you, we got it.

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Now they gotta wonder if he actually destroyed the real horcrux or not.

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Noises.

(Also, great shot.)

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Kreacher.

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I love him looking over the counter.

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Harry asks about the locket.

Where’s the other one?

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“Have you ever seen it?”

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“Filthy mudblood!”

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Oh, Ron’s gonna fuck him up. I’d have went nuts if that was Hermione about to bash him over the fucking head. Then she’d have been perfect.

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“Motherfucker, tell her!”

I forgot. Technically he owns this house now, so Kreacher has to answer to him.

Colin:

How do we feel about this whole slavery thing? Cause on the one hand, everyone hates Kreacher, but on the other hand…slavery. Plus, was he just in that cupboard beating off the whole time, or what?

“Oh, yeah… keep talking like that, you filthy mudblood…”

Right before he kreaches all over the door.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 489

Kreacher says he’s seen it. Before Regulus died he told Kreacher to destroy it, but Kreacher couldn’t. And Mundungus Fletcher came and stole shit from the house (in order to sell) and took it.

More like Mundungus FILCHER!

Mundungus Filcher!

Mundungus… oh fuck you, that was hilarious.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 490

“Find him.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 491

I love this. Kreacher has to listen to him.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 492

Isn’t there a moment in the book where Kreacher goes, “You know… you’re not such a dick after all, Harry”? I feel like there is. I mean, he’s still got the racism thing, but that’s embedded in his bones because of his family, but I feel like he finally goes, “You’re all right, Harry” at some point. (“I thought you said I was all right, Spider.”) I feel like Kreacher and Harry, like Vernon and Harry, reached a point of, “We’re cool.”

Also, I remember when they talked all about the lives of the house elves in one of the books (it’s Goblet, right?). I remember loving how they had their own little world where they could just do shit. They’re the only people outside of Dumbledore who are allowed to apparate within Hogwarts, and they can just come and go as they please, and they go chilling down at the elf pub and shit until their masters call them, and as soon as they’re called, poof, they appear. It’s pretty awesome, and I’m kind of upset that they never went into any of that (even though I get why they didn’t).

Harry Potter TV series idea: More elf life.

(Elf life!)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 493

(Skyfall?)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 494

Why would you go back to school?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 495

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 496

Death Eaters like candy too.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 497

Magneto?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 498

“No ticket.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 499

“Hey, losers – he isn’t here.”

Look at the big nuts on Neville!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 500

Is that Davy Jones?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 501

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 502

Hooray, fascism!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 503

A ha ha ha. Of course she’s there.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 504

And might makes right.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 505

Is that Guns n’ Roses?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 506

All employees will submit themselves to “evaluations.”

They have “nothing to fear, if you have nothing to hide.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 507

Oh, you cunt.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 508

Mundungus.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 509

Great shot.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 510

We’ve seen this scene a bunch, but fuck it, I’ll go with it.

(Those were the days.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 511

Looks.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 512

Tobey Maguire.

(Right, though?)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 513

They have flesh memories, Snitches.

Colin:

How about you, Hermione? Do YOU have flesh memories?

Maybe.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 514

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 515

When Scrimgeour gave it to him, she thought it was gonna open when he touched it. And that Dumbledore had hidden something inside it.

(Like anal beads? Come on, you can say it. You thought it would be anal beads.)

Colin:

Something’s hidden in it? Is it meth? I hope it’s not a sex toy.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 516

“Harry Potter!”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 517

“So long it’s been!”

THAT’S AWESOME! Kreacher got help! How fucking great is that? He rounded up the boys to go take down this fuck. Oh my god, I love the house elves.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 518

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 519

Expelliarmus.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 520

Look at that catch.

Colin:

Damn. Nice catch.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 521

“Bitch.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 522

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 523

This is awesome. Dobby explains what happened, and Kreacher tries to butt in, and Dobby’s like, “Shut the fuck up. I’m free. I’ll do my own talking.”

Colin:

“GET the fuck out my way, Kreacher! DOBBY’S talking to Harry Potter right now!”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 524

“Master Weasley. So good to see you again.”

That’s awesome. Too bad it DOESN’T HAVE THE SUBTEXT IT’S SUPPOSED TO!

I’m gonna go S.P.E.W.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 525

Look at Hermione’s face when he knocks over some books!

Colin:

Hermione’s like, “Goddamn it, Mundungus. This is why we can’t afford nice things.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 526

Where’s the locket?

What is this, Good Cop/Bad Cop/Neutral Cop/Elf?

Also, look at Dobby. He looks like he’s about to go looking for a pickup game in the park.

Colin:

And he’s wearing Velcro sneakers.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 527

Mundungus says he was selling his shit (selling his “wares,” actually, which is just such a scumbaggy way to say it) when some Ministry agent came and took the locket.

Well that narrows it down. Which one?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 528

Well goddamnit — there she is.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 529

Of course.

(I thought the left and right merged already.)

Colin:

It’s just like the great Albus Dumbledore said in his address to the Ministry shortly before his death: “…and when I leave, come together like butt cheeks!”

Wouldn’t you introduce her with this and then cut to the Ministry and show her? It seems a waste of a reveal. We should find out she’s still an enemy when they do. Strange choice.

Anyway, that’s where we’re gonna END PART II. Because business is going to pick up after this.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and a break-in of the Ministry of Magic.

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