Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010), Part III — “Winter’s Coming and That Tree Should Be More Bundled Up”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the third part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. So, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, Part III.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - Title Card

We begin Part III with some shady shit about to go down:

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Great staging.

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What the fuck is this?

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Is this wizard white slavery? What the FUCK?

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How come that guy in the crosswalk doesn’t notice anything?!

Colin:

That was like Scaramanga pushing Goodnight into a trunk in Thailand.

But actually.

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They’re gonna break into the Ministry. They needed those people for Polyjuice purposes.

Colin:

“Is that David O’Hara? I hope told his mom he’s not gonna be home for supper.”

Also, remember when Polyjuice was like, the rarest potion in the whole wizarding universe? Yeah, now everyone has that shit.

Apparently Hermione’s just been keeping a cauldron on low heat for a month, just in the event that she’d need it. Between her and Slughorn, they’ve got every kind of situation covered.

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These are enjoyable scenes, since the actors have to act like the other actors as their characters pretending to be them. There will be a much better version of this in the next movie (or, part of this movie, however you want to make that distinction).

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Ah, politics.

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No idea what to do.

(Also, just to get this out of the way — Harry is Albert Runcorn. We just saw him standing with Thicknesse and Umbridge at the head of the Ministry. How the fuck were they able to kidnap such a high level employee like that? Do they explain that in the book? Did they go for three specific people? I feel like they had to, right? They scouted it out and waited for three people with high enough security clearances to go do what they needed to do. Otherwise it’s just weird that they randomly got such a high-ranking person as Runcorn.)

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Ron (aka Reg Cattermole) explains.

(Great face, by the way. Someone told him how Rupert Grint acts in these movies.)

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This looks like that hallway in Willy Wonka. But with a toilet instead of Violet Beauregarde.

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Is that how Voldemort got there too?

What does the return trip look like?

Colin:

What if a muggle goes into that bathroom? Also, why is everyone in the Ministry going in right then? I can get how it’d be somewhat discrete at off peak times, but right now, it’s totally obvious that people are going into the stalls and not coming out. And while you can make the argument that the whole bathroom itself may be hidden from muggles in the first place, that makes the whole flushing mechanism a little redundant, no?

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Those are muggles. In their “rightful place.”

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Why would you three be hanging about together like that? Wouldn’t that give you away if those people never really interacted socially?

Also, you’re in a fascist state. Pretty sure standing in groups doesn’t go over so well.

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Uh oh. Yaxley. He tells Cattermole (Ron) that it’s still raining inside his office. It’s two days now. Ron asks if he’s tried an umbrella.

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“Very funny. I’ll try to remember that as I’m banging your sister.”

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He actually says he’s about to go interrogate Cattermole’s wife.

(What did I say?)

He has one hour. Otherwise she’ll probably be killed.

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“What am I gonna do? My wife’s all alone downstairs.”

“Ron, you don’t have a wife.”

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Wouldn’t it be weird if Ron were like, “Oh, right… well fuck that bitch, then,” and just left her to die?

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Good luck, motherfucker. You is on your own.

Colin:

Hermione gives him a spell to stop it raining, which begs the question – why can’t this guy stop the raining in his own damn office? It’s ONE SPELL. Once again, wizards need Google, and it proves that muggles are actually better in this respect. In fact, the internet in general is kinda better than magic. Do wizards have a spell that brings up porn instantly or streams the shows they wanna watch? Not that I’ve heard of.

WizJizz. That’s what I’d call it.

But, to go back to your point… maybe it just shows how smart Hermione is and how dumb everyone else is. You’d figure most wizards aren’t well-versed in spells and shit (given the obvious lack of education and such, as we’ve learned before), and since most of them settle into these Ministry jobs (or in Yaxley’s case, with Voldemort), they don’t ever really need to use too many spells on a regular basis. And since, as you said — no internet — it’s only the people who remember shit who can do stuff. I bet, on a regular day, no important historical shit going down — if Hermione pulled out one of those spells she knows, people would be like, “What the fuck is that?”

Or like those Boston girls, “What, so you think you’re better than me now? You’re not fucking better than me. Let me tell you something — you’re not fucking better than me!”

That’s why I was cool with Devil’s Snare, since how many people are randomly gonna remember that shit from first year studies? That’s probably what a bunch of those Ministry jobs are for (this is why we have people!) — people who read books and study up on shit. Nobody remembers how to do logic proofs and shit from tenth grade math, you figure you’ll never need that shit again unless that’s what you want to do. And there are people like Hermione who just know that shit. Maybe Cattermole is that kind of guy.

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“If we don’t find Umbridge within the hour, we find Ron and come back another day.”

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Nice cut.

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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Hermione is Mafalda Hopkirk. She’s the one who sent the letter expelling Harry from Hogwarts in Order of the Phoenix.

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What are you so nervous about? Why not just kill that bitch when you’ve got the chance?

Dead cats tell no tales.

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Seriously, Hermione – do it.

Or how about an Imperius Curse? Seems like that might be a prudent idea. “Imperio. Give me the fucking locket.”

Also, I love that she’s wearing a scarf to conceal the locket now, just so we can have that comic scene that’s coming up.

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This place looks like Brazil.

(Colin said the same thing in his notes.)

Colin:

I don’t think it was here, but in the Ministry, anyway. The imagery is pretty uncanny.

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Of course.

That’s all I’m gonna say.

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Hooray, fascism!

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The Minister of Magic literally just said hello to him as he’s rounding up Jews undesirables. That’s a cushy position.

You know what’s fucked up, though? That would probably be me. I’d be the person who the person rounding up people to throw in prison would see and go, “Oh, hey, Mike,” as I went by, as he was on his way to lock up a bunch of innocent people. Colin knows. He knows exactly that I’d be that person. That’s a really extreme example, but that’s exactly what it would be.

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Umbridge’s office.

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Just like X-Men.

Or the Holocaust. Depends on which one you believe.

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SMOKE BOMB!

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Or… Bob-ombs?

Trust the fungus, Harry.

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No, they were smoke bombs. Maybe even fart bombs, from the look of it.

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Nice office, Dolores.

(Her name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy.)

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“Accio locket.”

Does that work for anything? What if you Accio’d somebody’s beating heart?

Kali M’Accio.

Shit, Ralph M’Accio.

No can defend the Ralph M’Accio.

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When Muggles Attack.

Colin:

I love how 60s and Ayn Rand all this literature looks.

What house do you think Ayn Rand would have been sorted into?

(Wow… we can play this game with a lot of people.)

(You think Helen Keller was good at Divination?)

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Arthur Weasley’s file.

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They’re tracking him. Good job on that “it’s illegal” thing, Ron.

Plus — he works for them. So I guess that tracking is working out real well for them.

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Ha ha. I’m still laughing at Ralph M’Accio.

Oh, but yeah, Mad Eye’s dead.

(Doesn’t he look like he’s holding a shotgun over his shoulder in that picture?)

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Why does Hermione’s file have a motion photo?

Colin:

Would you not destroy Hermione’s file? I’m sure you could do that in a heartbeat.

Why would you not bring your fucking invisibility cloak?

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Goddamn right, she’s a high risk. She knows more shit than you do.

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Notice the “not married” bit there.

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Look at that office! (Not many circular sets happening in this franchise, I’ve noticed.)

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It would have been awesome if he shot the dude in the face and walked away.

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Instead he just walks away. Real missed opportunity.

Though, isn’t the idea here that the thing goes off, and Harry’s scared shitless that this guy noticed him, but the real thing is, the guy is scared shitless of him, because he’s Runcorn, and the guy is worried that he’ll be blamed for the stink bombs going off and his family will be “interrogated”? And yet they play it off as a joke, with Harry walking away all weird-like?

That’s a poor simplification. This sequence could have been so much better.

Colin:

Harry’s walking like he’s smoked WAY too much weed. Trying to act sober, and it’s not happening.

He’s doing exactly what I do — stand completely still until the po-lice go by.

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“Morning.”

“Ron, it’s me.”

Really, Ron? I feel like that’s your one job, to remember what your only two friends in the world right now look like. YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Colin:

Ever notice how Polyjuice lasts as long as it has to in the story?

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Courtroom.

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So… all hallways look like this? Or is this courtroom conveniently down the same hallway where Sirius died?

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Oh that’s fucked up. She’s just got a patronus out because the dementors are just chilling up on the ceiling. That would be some scary ass shit if you were on trial.

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Jesus, she’s WEARING it?

(I love how it doesn’t affect her at all… or does it?)

Here’s a question – does she know it’s a horcrux? I’ve gotten the impression that Umbridge is evil, but she’s not like, Voldemort evil. She’s just so far right she thinks this is the right thing to be doing. She just wants order and shit. So she’s complicit, but she’s not Death Eater complicit. That was always my feeling. But her wearing the horcrux – does she know? Is that why? What’s her reasoning behind having it and holding it? Did she just go shopping in Knockturn Alley and decide, “Oh, that’s a posh necklace, I want that”? Is this ever explained in the books? Because Mundungus says she was interested specifically in the locket and bought it, giving off the impression that she knows what it is.

That’s two poorly executed things in this sequence. So far it’s getting a thumbs down from me.

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Mary Cattermole is being investigated. She’s muggle born, but is pretending to be a half-blood.

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I love the way he’s sitting. That’s awesome.

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He’s standing by his wife. That’s nice. (And fortunate. Since it allows all three of them to be in the same room with Umbridge without it being suspicious.)

Colin:

Oh, so he’s “married” to that? Probably just go try to get a quickie in the bathroom while you’re good, man.

Does Azkaban allow conjugals?

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Umbridge asks her where she stole her wand from. Which is such a Gestapo-type question. That can’t be your wand, you’re a muggle. They already start you in a hole and no matter how much you argue, you’re still in the hole.

Colin:

Like those shitty yes/no questions that only make sense in third grade logic. “Do your parents know you’re gay?” “I’m not gay.” “NO, YOU HAVE TO SAY ‘YES’ OR ‘NO!'”

Bruce Wayne must have hated that question.

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She says she got her wand at Ollivander’s. It chose her.

(He made Thriller.)

(Also, I noticed this shit almost immediately – the woman playing Cattermole’s wife is the woman who was in Les Misérables as the cunty factory woman who gets Anne Hathaway fired. In case you were wondering where you recognized her from.)

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“That’s a lie.”

(Yeah, you know… not really, though. Because you could still be muggle born and have your wand from Ollivander’s. I’m not really sure how she’s convinced herself that if you’re muggle born you’re not really a witch or a wizard and you’re just pretending to be. I can see going after her about her parents being muggles, but the wand thing is just weird.)

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Oh, this shit wa’n’t never over.

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She conveniently undid that creepy masturbation sock scarf after she got out of the elevator.

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BADASS!

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“You’re lying, Dolores. And one mustn’t tell lies.”

(Mary Cattermole doesn’t get inside references.)

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SUPTEFY’D THAT BITCH!

Colin:

I love that they did this. That he started to transform right here and was forced to do something badass. It’s too bad that he Stupefy’d a bad guy, once again. But oh well, I’m used to Harry being lame. It’s not like they’re hunting you down without lethal intent already, Harry. You might as well shoot to kill.

Especially this fucking bitch, who is really the cause of like, 30% of his pain and suffering ever.

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Hermione’s copping a feel.

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Dementors are loose.

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“It’s Harry Potter!”

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“It is, isn’t it? This’ll be fun to tell the kids.”

(It’s weird that not once does Mary Cattermole go, “Why the fuck would Harry Potter be helping me?” Maybe she deserved it, is all I’m saying.)

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Terry Tate: Ministry Linebacker.

How awesome would that be?

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Apparently dementors can’t handle doors.

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Zombie movie.

(Also — what’s with the fucking facial expressions?)

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They can suck a soul through just about anything, though.

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Or you can Expecto Patronum them away.

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I don’t get it, now, does that not come back? I thought a Patronus came from a wand? Shouldn’t it disappear the minute he put his wand down? That seems like it’s just gonna shoot forward and take them with it until they get out of Dodge. This is completely different from how we’ve seen a patronus work in all the other movies.

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How come their clothes always fit even though they change sizes when they drink Polyjuice?

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“Mary, go home. Get the kids. We have to get out of the country.”

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Oh yeah.

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Look at Hermione – “That BITCH!”

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Reactions.

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Oh, you’re fucked, Ron. He looks straight out of one of those Edison boxing films.

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Or just run. That works too.

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Time to go.

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Yaxley’s in hot pursuit.

But now here’s a question — so Cattermole wakes up in a warehouse in his underwear… why does he come in to work? Did Runcorn and Hopkirk wake up too? Did he try to wake them up at all? Did he just leave them there? Is it because he was worried about his wife? Was he going to alert people about the security breach? What’s the deal with that?

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THEY HAVE NAZIS AT THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC!

THEY ACTUALLY HAVE FUCKING NAZIS!

I was practically in tears when I saw this in theaters, that was so funny to me.

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There’s just fucking Nazi’s running around!

Honestly, if you gave me Nazis, and that comic scene where everyone’s running around in a hallway filled with doors, I would never stop laughing.

Or even like, Nazis dancing. Imagine a bunch of Nazis doing The Swim. Tell me you wouldn’t laugh your dick off if you saw that.

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That’s how you throw an angry curse.

Colin:

He’s firing off curses in exactly the same way William Fitchner fired off shotgun blasts at the beginning of The Dark Knight.

I wonder how he ejaculates.

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I love how people never give a fuck about the amount of work they’re gonna have to do to put these places back together afterward. They just fire.

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Get it?

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“Fuck you, paper!”

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Just like the T-1000.

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He wins my award for best wand motions. That’s awesome.

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Nice Expelliarmus, Ron!

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Oh shit, they locking down. (Wouldn’t they have done that for the night back in Order of the Phoenix?)

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This reminds me of that shot of Morpheus running through the building to get to the helicopter.

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But you couldn’t Stupefy him from behind the back too, could you?

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Ron looks like someone wearing a Conan O’Brien mask.

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This is some Pink Floyd shit right here.

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I can’t feel my legs!

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This is actually a really tremendous shot. Great camera movement.

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Ron got splinched.

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That’s how you find something in a woman’s handbag. Accio that shit. Great inclusion.

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I love her body movements in this scene.

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They were going to Grimmauld Place, but Yaxley was on them, and Hermione knew that if he saw the place, they wouldn’t be safe, so she brought them here instead, only the Splinch Stole Christmas.

(Here’s a question – where did Yaxley end up, then?)

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Look at that suit.

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Here’s another question – so you can only get into the Ministry via the toilets, or whatever the other end of the floo network is, but when you leave, you can choose where it takes you? It’s one way in, but you can do the “Diagonelly” thing on the way out? In that case, wouldn’t they all have to say the address before it could take them anywhere? Wouldn’t they know where they were going from that? Or is the Ministry floo network advanced enough to where all you need to do is think the place and it’ll take you there? I can accept ill-defined, but here it just seems like they didn’t think about it at all.

Colin:

I’ve noticed that over the last two movies, I don’t have to say very much because you’ve cracked down on this stuff much harder. I get to play good cop more often. 

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This is one of my favorite shots in the franchise. It’s so incredible.

(And when I say franchise, I mean FRANCHISE.)

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Right to business. Putting up a protection spell.

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(Also — the blood — so good.)

Colin:

It’s great how they have her around and how she has everything set. Ron was totally right, they wouldn’t have lasted two days without her. She’s the most valuable one among them, for real. She has everything set for them to survive. You know that if it was just Harry, he’d be struggling to even eat, let alone have shelter or protect himself. He’d be captured or dead by the second day. Meanwhile, she’s Flitwicking the place up.

I just spent a good five minutes picturing someone “Flitwicking the place up.”

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Hermione tells him to put up the tent. Harry’s like, “Where the fuck am I supposed to find a tent?”

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Honestly, this is what it’s like being a mother.

A good one, anyway.

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Seriously, though – HARRY POTTER WESTERN.

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That thing makes noises. It’s fucking radioactive.

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They also can’t destroy it, no matter what they do.

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This is pretty great. He gets pissed and starts firing like crazy. I really like that. Show some emotion. Finally. That’s one of the things I really like about this half of the movie — all the emotional shit gets taken care of, and then Part 2 is just all fighting and wrapping everything up. It was kind of a smart move splitting them up into two movies.

Though I’ve never watched Part 1 and Part 2 back to back before. That would be an interesting thing to do.

Colin:

This is the kind of enthusiasm I’d have liked to see against the creepy Inferi during the last film.

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Can’t destroy it, so he wears it. Might as well, right? Worked for Frodo.

Colin:

But now he’s just gonna get irritable with Sam. I mean, Ron.

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“Seems weird – Dubmledore sends you off to find all these horcruxes but doesn’t tell you how to destroy them.”

Scumbag Dumbledore

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Harry goes off for some “me” time.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 682

This looks like Gollum down by the Forbidden Pool.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 683

It’s already doing some Frodo shit to him.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 684

Except instead it shows him all the shit Voldie’s been doing.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 685

Here he is torturing Gregorovitch, the wand maker. He wants to know who “stole it.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 686

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 687

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 688

It was a boy.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 689

He didn’t dodge that bullet.

Colin:

I feel like ex-Soviet wizards would be way more badass.

Harry Potter TV Series idea: Soviet-era wizard gulags.

Also — question. When you’re cornered like that, couldn’t you disapparate faster than he could kill you? It doesn’t require a wand, either. I’m not sure why so many people just sit there and get murdered without trying to get the hell out of there.

He’s old. You need a license to apparate (starring Corey Feldman and Corey Haim). Old people lose their abilities after a certain point. There was an 80 year old woman on my block who was driving and was so bad she’d hit someone or something every week. Old people just don’t check the rear views when they apparate.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 690

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 691

“I thought it stopped.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 692

“He wants something Gregorovitch used to have, but I don’t know what.”

Really? What the fuck do you think it could be? A vibrator?

Colin:

Wait, wait. Gregorovich the WAND maker? He wants something that Gregorovich the WAND maker used to have, but you don’t know WAND WHAT? How dumb are you?

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Harry’s upset. Ron’s listening to the radio all day (which gives all the names of the people who were killed), and Harry wants to get moving to look for horcruxes.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 694

“I‘m doing everything I can.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 695

“You’re not doing enough!”

Jesus, man, calm down. Want a cranberry juice?

Colin:

But it’s his burden. His! His own!

It takes a special level of douche (Summer’s Eve?) to continue to talk about how this is all your mission when you have other people with you for it, risking their lives more than you are.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 696

She makes him take off the locket.

Colin:

Seriously, it’s a good thing she’s smart and knew the locket was making him irritable. I’d have punched him out by now.

Why couldn’t they put the locket in a plastic bag or something? It seems a bit unnecessary to put it around your neck and get angry. They’re protected as it is, it’s not like someone’s gonna come in and steal it from under them. You can even post a guard.

This is gonna be funny in the next part.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 697

They have more body language chemistry than her and Ron could ever have.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 698

I hope they put a sock on the zipper.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 698b

We find out Snape is the new Headmaster of Hogwarts.

Colin:

He only got to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts for a year! Awww.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 699

Nice that you can keep tabs on him like that.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 700

Uh oh.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 701

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 702

Snatchers. They go around, picking up people trying to hide from the Death Eaters. For money, of course.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 702a

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 703

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 703a

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 704

The revolving camera is nice.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 705

“He could smell it. My cunt perfume.”

Colin:

Smells like…mudblood.

Mudblood No. 5.

(A little bit of Hermione, in my life…)

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 707

Jealousy!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 708

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 709

This is blatant Rings stuff right here. It’s actually kind of fucked up how blatant it is.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 710

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 711

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 712

These shots are amazing, though.

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 713a

Still creepy.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 714

Honestly, I could watch a whole two hour movie if it were like this.

Colin:

This is some straight up post-apocalyptic shit. Completely unrealistic, though, cause it’s England but it isn’t raining.

Or maybe she’s just not happy to see you.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 715

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 716

“He doesn’t know what he’s doing, does he?”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 717

“None of us do.”

Colin:

Where the hell ARE they going? What is this, a forced march? What’s the destination? Probably best not to move around quite so much.

The Trail of Phoenix Tears.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 718

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 719

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 720

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 721

Haircuts.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 722

“Oh my god!”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 723

“What?”

Great reaction.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 724

“The Sword of Gryffindor.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 725

The sword only takes in that which makes it stronger. So when Harry stabbed the basilisk, it took in the venom. Therefore, since the basilisk fang destroyed a horcrux, the sword can do so now too. Which is why Dumbledore left it to him in his will.

Colin:

Goblin-made blades only take in that which makes them stronger? So…I imagine that’ll be a lot of still-beating hearts.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 726

“You are brilliant, Hermione. Truly.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 727

“Actually, I’m highly logical, which allows me to look past extraneous detail, and perceive clearly that which others overlook.”

That too.

(But… it seems like that would be something you’d put together sooner, given how Dumbledore has given you important shit and wanted to give him that sword. I guess she just needed something to give her that House moment.)

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 732

“Yeah, I’m still here. But you two carry on.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 733

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 734

They’re talking about him like he isn’t there. (They kind of are.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 735

“All right, let’s talk about this.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 736

Ron’s being a bitch, is basically what this is about.

He’s worried about his family, which is admirable, but still – kind of a bitch.

Colin:

It’s great when characters have worthless arguments. Especially when one is bewitched by an evil talisman and both of them know it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 737

Ha ha – fighting.

Colin:

Ron Quixote’s got his windmill in a twist.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 738

They’re getting divorced. And it’s all your fault, Hermione.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 739

Now Ron’s leaving.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 740

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 741

“And you?”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 742

Custody battle.

It’s pretty fucked up that he’s making her choose.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 743

Hermione’s Choice.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 744

“I saw you two the other night.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 745

“Ron, that’s nothing!”

(Wait, what did he see?)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 746

And she runs out after him. This is a nice moment. Ron being a bitch makes no sense, but everything else is fine. I get Harry wanting to move on and get this done, even if he is a tad overeager about it. And Hermione’s the only one who is perfectly in line, emotionally, with where she should be right now. So I’m a big fan with what they’re doing with her during this one.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 747

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 748

My god, look at this.

Colin:

Skyfall?

What if Voldemort started playing “Boom Boom” when he showed up during that escape attempt?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 749

Brokeback Potter.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 750

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 751

This seems dumb, especially after you already saw some Snatchers go by. But that aside — which is she actually doing this for, so Ron can follow them or so she can find her way back for apparating purposes? Or both?

Colin:

On one hand, she’s lost her fucking mind. On the other hand, winter’s coming and that tree should be more bundled up.

Winter’s Coming and That Tree Should Be More Bundled Up. Subtitle.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 752

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 753

Apparation.

(You’re doing it now too, aren’t you?)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 754

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 755

Like I said, she’s the only one who is right where she should be, emotionally. I understand everything she’s going through. The other two — not as much. They seem to be overreacting in complete opposite extremes.

Colin:

I’ve always been at a loss for what to do when females cry. It’s always some variation on, “Aw…stop..that.”

I treat women and children the same — with Gremlin rules. And Gremlin rules don’t say anything about that.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 756

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 757

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 758

“Their pace has quickened. They’ve caught our scent.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 759

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 760

That’s the benefit of moments like this — you get to have shots like this and not have it seem weird.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 761

Oh yeah, this scene.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 762

Colin:

Nice sweater. Where’d you get that, J. Crucio?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 763

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 764

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 765

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 777

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 780

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 781

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 782

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 783

So, so close. There was a chance it could still happen, but then it went away. At least they gave it a proper sendoff.

I thought that was a really great scene. I laughed a little bit the first time I saw it, but honestly, it’s a great moment. And I like that they gave it one more shot between the two of them before they completely go their separate ways. It’s a really touching moment, and I’m glad they included it.

And now Colin’s notes…

Colin:

That was the most awkward scene in the entire franchise. I think Ron did better with Maggie Smith. This is SO weird. Is Harry a drunk gypsy, or something?

What is this part where they pull back and he’s swiveling and putting his feet at weird angles? I know you’re white, but…damn, is this what it looks like when two white people from England dance like nobody’s watching? Didn’t they see all the cameras? Somebody teach Harry how to snap.

That was painful. Never…NEVER do that again.

I’ll admit that as a MOMENT between two characters, it’s nice. I like the IDEA of this scene, but shit. I’m not expecting Usher, but I wasn’t expecting that, either.

As a white person, I find it interesting that you don’t understand what it looks like when white people dance.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 784

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 785

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 786

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 787

Getting a little desperate there, aren’t you, Harry?

Colin:

Why would you randomly kiss a snitch? We don’t kiss snitches where I’m from, we cut ‘em.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 788

“I open at the close.”

There’s an ass joke to be made here.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 789

He tells her – the reason the Snitch’s flesh memory didn’t respond to his touch is because when he caught it, he almost swallowed it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 790

He has no idea what it means, though.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 791

But hey, she found something too. (You think she really did find it just now, or was she waiting to tell him? It seems too much of a coincidence that they both found something now after weeks of nothing.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 792

She has no idea what it means, either.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 793

Harry wants to go to Godric’s Hollow.

Hermione thinks it’s stupid, but even she’s starting to think they probably have to go at some point.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 794

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 795

“YES!”

What’s that about? That’s like when Mom tells you it’s pizza night or something.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 796

She thinks the sword is there. If Dumbledore wanted to hide it so no undesirables found it, where else but the birthplace of Godric Grffindor?

I don’t know, maybe… the bottom of a frozen lake?

Colin:

She says (correctly) that Voldie will expect Harry to go there because it means something to him. The response, “Yeah, but it means something to him, too!” does not make any sense. She just pointed out why it isn’t safe. You just pointed out a second reason.

Also, did he just call Voldemort “You Know Who?” Why would he do that?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 797

Oculus Repairo?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 798

“Don’t ever let me give you a haircut again?”

Is that code, or…?

So that’s where we’ll END PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and that fucking horcrux…

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