Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010), Part IV — “Not the Dirigible Plums!”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fourth part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. So, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, Part IV.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - Title Card

We begin Part IV at:

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Godric’s Hollow.

Colin:

Having them arrive off screen made me imagine them landing like a Terminator, in the crouching position. And now you’re imagining that, too. It’s awesome, right?

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Aww… she put her arm in his. I know she’s probably doing it so people don’t look at them strangely, but the hope lives on.

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Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

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Ah, drunks. My people.

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It’s Christmas Eve.

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And there’s a graveyard.

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Mum and Dad might be in there.

(You know… I think there’s a pretty good bet that they are.)

Colin:

This is the part where Hermione should have come up with some reason why Harry’s parents wouldn’t be in that cemetery and instead been like, “…but it looks like there was a pub back there. I bet they, uh…drank there all the time. We should do that.”

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They’re coming to get you, Barbra.

(Also, they totally shot this before dawn. Or maybe even in the morning. This looks like them trying to shoot day for night. Either that or they have a shitload of lights on this scene so they can see it. Then again… this is probably a soundstage. So it’s probably just the lights. But the lighting changes here, since I could swear this part was shot as the sun was coming up, but other parts are almost definitely night. So I’m wondering what the source of the discontinuity is.)

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Wow, what a coincidence you’d wipe off that exact symbol?

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Ignotus Peverell.

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“Hey, Harry –”

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Dead parents.

Colin:

I never lost my parents, but he was a baby at the time. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when he cries about them, wouldn’t it be more “I never got to have parents” than “I miss my parents?”

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Thanks, computers!

Colin:

I guess it’s a thought-that-counts thing, too, but once you can make a wreath of flowers by drawing a circle in the air, doesn’t that make it a somewhat emptier gesture than what we might do as muggles? There’s no forethought. If she’d pulled something out of her bag and it was understood that even though she didn’t know they’d see the grave, she’d had something ready the whole time, that’d have been some moving shit.

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“Merry Christmas, Hermione.”

“Merry Christmas, Harry.”

Isn’t it funny that the first time we heard him say that, he got one of the Deathly Hallows?

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Nah, that’s not creepy.

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Good awareness, Hermione.

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Harry knows who that is.

Colin:

Her? That’s my crack dealer. Who else is gonna be at a cemetery on Christmas Eve? I guess really, really old people.

She’s coming to visit her friends. It’s bridge night.

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Un-limited Potter.

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(censored) (censored) (censored) knock-kneed (censored) (censored) (censored)

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I don’t get it — why are you randomly following an old lady to her house? Don’t you wonder even once why she’s not talking to you and why this is all so creepy?

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This is where they died.

(Also, good news, they didn’t use that ridiculously bad flashback from the first movie.)

Colin:

The house is still there? That should have been torn down. It’s been like 16 years! That should have been a Krispy Kreme AGES ago.

I haven’t seen one wizard construction worker in this movie. No contractors, no day laborers — I wonder if stuff doesn’t actually get built at all.

Colin:

Did Voldie literally tear the roof off the sucker, or was this magic house made so shoddily that 16 years of normal wear and tear leave it looking like the shittier parts of Dresden c. 1945? I don’t remember there being a gaping hole in the ceiling in the flashbacks.

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Well hello, Bathilda Bagshot.

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Seriously, only Hermione is suspicious right now. Wouldn’t a normal person be talking to you and not just standing there, all creepy like?

The first real sign is that she’s like 106 years old and is standing outside in the cold. Old people don’t do that.

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No, that’s not creepy at all.

(Also, explain to me how this whole situation works, again. How exactly does a snake have the ability to change into a person and back at will?)

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“Who’s that?”

Her great nephew, motherfucker. Don’t you read?

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Yeah, sure, follow her upstairs, that’ll end well.

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This looks like a Final Fantasy house.

This whole town is making me want to go back and play Final Fantasy VII. It’s got a total Nibelheim vibe to it.

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Ah, Skeet Face pulled a fast one.

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She’s awesome. Too bad they let her plotline drop out of nowhere in that movie. I’d have liked to see more of her.

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This looks like where they shot The King’s Speech.

(Or maybe where they shot Czar Nicholas.)

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There are three horcruxes in this room.

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Colin:

Are they gonna kiss, or…?

She’s speaking snake to him!

I mean, of course he won’t necessarily be able to tell it, since he’s already shown an inability to differentiate between hassa hassa and English, but can’t you start picking up on it not being normal speech given the rhythms of it all? A snake sentence is like, “Ha-sssss-aaaaaaaa-hiya.” In the time it takes them to say that on screen, I could say, “Nuh uh, I ain’t fucking with that shit. That’s some weird ass language right there,” and probably still have enough time to catch the beginning and end of the snake line. Don’t you notice how slow the speech is and go, “Hey, maybe this is snake talk”?

I don’t know. It just seemed really obvious in the movie that something was up. I don’t really remember what happened in the book.

Now, that could be because I got the book at like, 1 am (I remember the day the book came out, I had it specifically pre-ordered and they were gonna deliver it UPS that afternoon. They specifically made sure all the books would be delivered on the day it was supposed to come out. But my sister went with her friends to Barnes and Noble and picked up a copy. So I took her copy — since she was gonna go to bed anyway — read that, and gave her mine when it showed up. And I started reading it immediately, and read until like 5 or 6 o’clock, and then went to bed, because we had a party at my aunt’s house the next day, and I spent the whole party reading the book. I remember ending that day right around where this part ends. Maybe like three minutes of screen time before it. So it’s possible this part got read right before bed and I didn’t fully process it), but I still remember this scene being at least slightly less obvious in the book than it is here. But I can’t rightly say, since I don’t really remember it.

But seriously, how do you not see something is up here, Harry?

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Good job, Clarice.

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Damn shame what they did to that old lady.

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Did the snake take Polyjuice potion? How would it know when to take it and when not to take it? Did they have it take it for this exact moment? How is this working, exactly? It fucking killed a woman and inhabited her corpse. What is this, Men in Black?

Colin:

So, that’s a snake. I’m confused, was the snake wearing her skin? Like a Bathilda suit?  (Sugar. In water. More. More. More. Nnnnnngh.)

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Anyway, fight time.

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Just like Rosa Klebb.

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Bustin’ through the walls!

(Bustin’ makes me feel good.)

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What room is this? Bagshot never raised Grindelwald. He just showed up like Dill in To Kill a Mockingbird and hung out with Dumbledore.

Why does this woman randomly have a baby room in her house? This is creepy.

Colin:

It looks like where they kept the messed up kids in Akira.

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Total Rowan Atkinson face.

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Gotcha, bitch.

(Really curious as to what happens if Nagini fucks up Harry to the point of death right now.)

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HE JUST HIT A FUCKING SNAKE IN THE FACE WITH A BRICK!

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Classic shot.

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Clyclops!

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Zap that shit!

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This is a pretty standard scene. I’m surprised they went there. It’s such an obvious progression that you see in all horror/thriller movies. It was so obvious, I was actually counting the edits in my head. I would point at the screen every time a major cut was going to happen, and it did. The snake jumping back out in a second was supposed to be jarring, but I had that shit timed, because it’s Editing 101. I knew exactly when that shit was gonna pop out. Strange choice. Just — generic.

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FIRE!

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And they out this bitch.

(How come the window blew out?)

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Oh, this is gorgeous.

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Didn’t Harry get bitten in that last scene in the book? Wasn’t he like, half dead at one point? I feel like when they left, Harry was bitten and practically dead, and was really fucked up from the snake and there was a question of whether or not he’d make it at one point. (Not that he wouldn’t have, just — it was some real bad shit, the damage.) Am I just imagining that? Or did they just play it off like, “Oh, well, some rest is all you needed”?

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Beautiful shots here, though.

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Colin:

The way she’s listing this stuff, it’s like she can’t recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. Gotta get this girl some strawberries and cream.

Is that code for Ron’s…?

Colin:

WHAT? NO! I think you know me better than to think I’d make a joke as vulgar as…nah, maybe you were founded after all.

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The Grey.

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“Maybe we should just stay here, Harry. Grow old.”

(Yes, do that.)

(Which — now you’ve got me legitimately curious how that would work out, and picturing all the different avenues that could take. Thanks a lot, film, for getting my hopes up yet again.)

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She knows who the guy in the photo was.

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Gellert Grindelwald.

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Harry wants to know where his wand is.

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Damn, Harry’s losing everything he got in the first movie.

Colin:

His wand is broken. That’s like losing your lightsaber. That don’t do. I remember being not cool with this the first time I saw it, not cause it was a fallacy or anything, but because I was genuinely upset for him. That’s irreplaceable. That was his wand. There were many like it, but that one was his.

But actually. I’m not too sure how this choosing business works, but presumably it’s a very delicate process, and not many wands are actually gonna be perfect for just you. This is some shit straight out of The Natural. I want to know how he goes about getting another one. Because doesn’t he just use Draco’s over the rest of the films? At the end and stuff? How does that work? Does he give it back to Draco when this is all over? Does he keep it? I’m actually more fascinated with how he goes about getting another wand than I am about half the shit in these movies.

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Night watch.

Colin:

Why does one of them have to stay outside? They’ve both been inside before to do shit like DANCE.

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Doe, a deer, a female deer.

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It’s weird that you would just follow a patronus instead of looking around for whoever cast it.

Colin:

I’m naturally skeptical, but this looks like a trap. If I saw one of these things prancing up, I’d be like, “Yeah, you want me to follow you, huh? Well, I’m gonna keep sitting here, and if it’s really that important, you can come over here and par-lay.”

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Wow, that would be a really stupid way to go, if the person was just luring you out onto the ice, only for it to give way and for you to drown.

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It don’t want to Accio.

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So naturally you have to go in after it. Because you couldn’t break the ice and then Accio it, right?

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Great shot. Tense shot. Too bad we know ain’t nothing coming out of there. Still — that shot always adds a degree of tension.

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This shot I enjoy, because it really makes you go, “Why the fuck wouldn’t he wake up Hermione?” You’re about to go underwater in a frozen lake. How about maybe getting a spotter in case shit goes down? Or, the question I’m going to ask in a second — TAKE OFF THE FUCKING LOCKET? You’re worried about losing it — what if it comes off while you’re down there? What then? Leave it with your fucking clothes. Or… get Hermione!

Colin:

I don’t trust this shit for a second. You ask Hermione before you do some shit like this.

Seriously, that’s the problem with Gryffindors. Take one second to think logically. These motherfuckers are real lucky Hermione didn’t get sorted into Ravenclaw.

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Naturally the locket starts freaking the fuck out because it senses impending doom. Again, the question becomes “Why not take it off?” This is the same reason why the Incredibles weren’t allowed capes.

Colin:

This is hilarious. Dude’s getting fucked up in like four feet of water.

Also — Skyfall?

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Colin:

You know that if you saw this going on from on top of the ice, you’d be laughing your ass off.

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Thank god for the mysterious savior.

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Great shot.

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It’s Ron.

Naturally Harry assumes it was Ron’s patronus.

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Though Ron didn’t cast the patronus. Because why the fuck would he lead him into a frozen fucking lake?

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But he can destroy this fucking thing.

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But then he says he can’t.

(Pussy.)

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“Then why are you here. Why did you come back?”

Now’s not the time to goad him into shit. It’s hard to call someone a bitch after they just pulled out away from death.

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Harry says he has to speak to it in order for it to open (How does he know this, again?), and when he does, Ron’s gotta kill the fucking thing.

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Oh man, here it comes…

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Hassa hassa.

Colin:

Damn. It takes that many syllables to say “friend” in Parseltongue?

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Oil?

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This thing is like a boggart by way of Sauron. It talks to him, tells him it sees him, knows his fears and shit, and sends spiders.

Colin:

This is a great horcrux. It’s playing to his weaknesses and challenging him directly. This is airing some issues we’ve needed to get at for several films now. Is Ron going to be useless, as usual?

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Ha ha ha. Here it comes.

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“We were better without you.”

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“Who could love you, compared to Harry Potter?”

It speaks the truth. It says Ron is nothing compared to Harry. What evidence during these seven movies has told us otherwise? What makes it even funnier is that Harry isn’t all that to begin with.

Colin:

“What woman would take you? YOU are a ginger.”

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I also love how their clothes just disappeared. At that point I’d be like, “Well this clearly ain’t real,” and stab the fucking thing.

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Oh yeah.

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Good job, Ron.

I should also note that I saw this movie at midnight visiting some friends on campus. We drank quite a bit of alcohol beforehand. (Or rather, I drank quite a bit of alcohol beforehand. I don’t remember what the rest of them did. I just remember chugging full cups of my personal drink – the B+; whiskey and Arnold Palmer, for those who have not yet experienced the greatness – before we left. (I think I did two, and then it became a thing, so I jut kept downing them because I had an audience.) Anyway, when this scene happened in theaters, and this shot came up, the entire theater was deathly silent. (They were all wondering what the hell they’d just witnessed, I’m sure.) And the only thing that was audible in this theater (I was told this by friends of mine who were also in the theater at the time, sitting way apart from where I was) was me, in the back, going, “What the fuck was that?”

My feelings still stand on this scene.

(No. No Norm. This was important.)

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“So let’s sit and talk about what just happened.”

That’s really all you can do with something like that.

But… here’s a question… what did the horcrux think was gonna happen? Isn’t running at the two of them making out and trying to stab them the natural reaction when you see that? Did it think he was gonna run away and cry? And if he did do that, what happens then? Does it just go back inside itself, or does it just hang out there and wait for Harry to pick up the sword and do the deed? Since this seems like unnecessary drama. Harry could have just done all this himself and taken care of it, no problem. Was he pulling a Dumbledore? he’s much cleverer, so Ron gets to do it? I don’t really understand why Harry pawns this off on Ron for any reason. He’s had experience with this shit before!

Also, who hassa hassa’d the diary to make Tom Riddle come out?

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Or, we can just pull back and say how there’s only three horcruxes left.

Which is funny, since how do they know what was and wasn’t a horcrux? They’ve heard Voldemort say he wanted seven, and they know the ring, the diary and the locket are gone. So how exactly are there three left? I haven’t heard Quirrell’s name mentioned once since the first film.

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“Hermione, look at this!”

“Oh jesus, Harry, not again!”

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“Well how about this instead?”

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“Hey!”

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“You complete ASS, Ronald Weasley!”

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“You show up here after WEEKS –”

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“And you say ‘Hey’?”

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“Where’s my wand, Harry?”

THIS IS WHY SHE’S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THE FRANCHISE.

If there was ever any doubt that she wasn’t my favorite character in the franchise, the words “Where’s my wand?” froze that shit in carbonite.

Holy shit, that was perfect.

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“Where’s my wand?”

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“Harry Potter, you give me my wand!”

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“How come he’s got your wand?”

“Never mind why he’s got my wand!”

(Oh man, this is perfect. This is making a play for top ten favorite moments in the franchise.)

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“What is that?”

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“You destroyed it?”

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“And how is it that you just happen to have the Sword of Gryffindor?”

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“Don’t think this changes anything.”

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“Oh, of course not! I only just destroyed a bloody horcrux. Why would that change anything?”

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Uh oh.

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“I wanted to come back as soon as I left. I just didn’t know how to find you.”

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But how did he find them?

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This.

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He heard Hermione’s voice coming from it.

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“And what exactly did I say, may I ask?”

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“My name. Just my name. Like a whisper.”

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He clicked the Deluminator, and a ball of light appeared, and went through his chest.

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Right here.

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He knew it was gonna take him where he needed to go, so he disapparated. And he found them.

Colin:

Ron Explains a Single Plot Device in Detail. THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING SOMETHING.

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Getting a little moist, isn’t it?

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Ron wonders how long Hermione will stay mad at him.

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“Just talk about that little ball of light touching your heart. She’ll come round.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 977

He figures that’s why Dumbledore left him the Deluminator. He’d need it to find his way back.

Colin:

Dumbledore knew he was gonna bitch out and desert them. Cause Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore knew a punkass bitch when he saw one, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what a punkass bitch looks like.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 978

Oh and he’s got a wand, too.

“It’s a blackthorn. Ten inches. Nothing special, but I reckon it’ll do.”

You’re telling me a ten inch blackthorn isn’t special? Where the fuck do YOU come from?

(Is this the wand he uses for the rest of the film? Weird how they just sort of found it somewhere.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 979

Engorgio.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 980

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 981

Reduco.

Colin:

That was hilarious. This wand has some get up and go. I like it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 982

“What’s going on in there?”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 983

“Nothing!”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 984

“We need to talk.”

About Kevin?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 985

She wants to go see Xenophilius Lovegood.

Colin:

She’s only talking to Harry for this whole scene. I know she’s pissed at Ron, but you know. Anything to assuage those feelings of inferiority, right?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 986

That’s a letter Dumbledore wrote to Grindelwald. (Read the last paragraph.)

The only thing missing is “xoxo.”

Harry Potter TV series idea: Gossip Witch

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 987

It means something, she says. She wants to go ask him what it means, since he had it on a necklace at the wedding.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 988

“Let’s vote on it. Those in favor…”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 989

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 990

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 991

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 992

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 993

Seriously, though. She’s the best.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 994

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 995

Gee, this looks familiar.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 996

“You’re not still mad at him, are you?”

“I’m always mad at him.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 997

The Lovegood Estate.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 998

Keep off the Dirigible Plums.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 999

They should have women’s shirts that say that.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1000

He lives in a shoe.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1001

I love people who have half-doors. I want a half-door. That’s awesome.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1002

They’d like to come in and talk to him. Which — what do you think if you’re Xenophilius right now? Aside from what we know is going on with him. What could these kids possibly have to talk to him about right now?

“Do you think we could get internships at your paper?”

“How exactly does one get wrackspurts out of a vagina?”

“Do you mind if I fuck Luna?”

Seriously, what possible reason could you think these kids could have for coming to see you?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1003

They’re old friends already.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1004

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1005

He wants to know about his necklace.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1006

It’s the sign of the Deathly Hallows.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1007

From the Tale of the Three Brothers.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1008

Harry’s not familiar with the tale of the Three Brothers.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1009

Hermione’s got it. (Of course Hermione’s got it.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1010

“There were once three brothers…”

(Well, this must be it, then.)

“… who were wandering along a lonely, winding road at twilight.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1011

“Midnight. Mum always said midnight.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1012

I love her so much.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1013

“Twilight’s fine. Better, actually.”

I forgot they went there.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1014

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1015

“In time, the brothers reached a river too treacherous to pass.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1016

“But being learned in the magical arts, the three brothers simply waved their wands and made a bridge.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1017

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1018

“Before they could cross, however…”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1019

“They found their path blocked by a hooded figure.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1020

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1021

“It was Death.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1022

“And he felt cheated. Cheated because travelers would normally drown in the river.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1023

“But Death was cunning.”

(Walken fingers.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1024

“He pretended to congratulate the three brothers on their magic, and said that each had earned a prize for being clever enough to evade him.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1025

“The oldest asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1026

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1027

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1028

“So Death fashioned him one from an Elder tree that stood nearby.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1029

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1030

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1031

“The second brother decided he wanted to humiliate Death even further, and asked for the power to recall loved ones from the grave.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1032

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1033

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1034

“So Death plucked a stone from the river and offered it to him.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1035

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1036

“Finally, Death turned to the third brother.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1037

“A humble man, he asked for something that would allow him to go forth from that place without being followed by Death.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1038

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1039

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1040

“And so it was that Death reluctantly handed over his own cloak of invisibility.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1041

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1042

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1043

“The first brother traveled to a distant village –”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1044

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1045

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1046

“Where, with the Elder Wand in hand, he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarreled.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1047

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1048

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1049

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1050

“Drunk with the power that the Elder Wand had given him, he bragged at his invincibility.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1051

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1052

“But that night, another wizard stole the wand –”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1053

“And slit the brother’s throat for good measure.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1054

“And so Death took the first brother for his own.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1055

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1056

“The second brother journeyed to his home, where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1057

“To his delight, the girl he’d once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1058

“But soon she turned sad and cold, for she did not belong in the mortal world.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1059

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1060

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1061

“Driven mad with hopeless longing, the second brother killed himself, so as to join her.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1062

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1063

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1064

“And so Death took the second brother.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1065

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1066

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1067

“As for the third brother, Death searched for many years, but was never able to find him.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1068

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1069

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1070

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1071

“Only when he attained a great age did the youngest brother shed the cloak of invisibility and give it to his son.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1072

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1073

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1074

“He then greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, departing this life as equals.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1075

Colin:

This is probably my favorite part of the franchise. This animation is so good to watch, and of anyone who’s going to be narrating, Hermione would be my pick.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1076

Harry still doesn’t get it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1077

The Elder Wand. The most powerful wand ever made.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1078

The Resurrection Stone.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1079

The Cloak of Invisibility.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1080

Hermione gets it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1081

“Together they make the Deathly Hallows. Together they make one Master of Death.”

Doling out the charm. Ready with a handshake and an open palm.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1082

Hermione wants to know about Peverell, the name on the grave in Godric’s Hollow. He and his brothers were thought to be the inspiration for the story, and the original owners of the Hallows.

Of course, what’s not explained is that Harry is descended from Ignotus Peverell, which is why his father was in possession of the Invisibility Cloak when he died, but that’s okay. Who needs to have that explained?

The other thing that’s never explained is why Dumbledore gives Harry the cloak in the first place. You’d think that, with the Elder Wand, Dumbledore would want all three Deathly Hallows and become the master of death. But what happened with him — wow, I’m just gonna go off regurgitating history and shit. But you know what? Some people might not know or remember this, and I’m curious to see how much I actually remember despite only having read the books once — it was Dumbledore, Aberforth and Ariana. And Ariana was a frail, damaged child whose magical powers were really erratic and dangerous. And Dumbledore didn’t want to stay and care for Ariana because he sought power when he was young, so he left Aberforth to care for her and went out in search of stuff. And he met Grindelwald and they struck up their whole weird relationship, and then they researched the Deathly Hallows and stuff, and at some point he was gonna go to Europe with Grindelwald, but Aberforth was like, “Fuck you, that ain’t happening,” and then they all got into a fight, because they were all like, 18 at the time, and Ariana got killed in the mayhem. And Grindelwald was like, “Fuck this shit, I got priors,” and broke out to Europe. And Dumbledore was scared shitless of what happened in that fight (since he was worried it was his stray curse that killed Ariana), so he gave up his desire for power, knowing it was his weakness, and took a job at Hogwarts. So when his sister died, he basically was like, “I don’t want to become master of death, because I don’t trust myself with what I’d do with it.” So when he found the Invisibility Cloak and realized it was one of the Hallows, he made sure to give it away to Harry because he didn’t really want it anymore and was past all that.

Oh, also — for those who are interested, and because this is really the one franchise where I know all this shit — Voldemort is descended from Cadmus Peverell, who was the second brother that hung himself. The first brother (Antioch) was killed pretty quickly after getting the wand, so presumably he didn’t have an heir. Somehow this second guy had an heir (hopefully not with the dead chick), and the lineage descended into the Gaunt family and Voldemort. So Voldemort was in possession of the Resurrection Stone the way James Potter had the Invisibility Cloak. This is all purely coincidental, but I guess that’s how prophecies work. Also, that weird closeup of Riddle fingering his ring when he talks to Slughorn in Half-Blood Prince — the stone in that ring is the Resurrection Stone. And Dumbledore, as he was going out looking for Horcruxes after the events of Order of the Phoenix, he tracked down the ring at the old Gaunt house (I remember reading the chapter on the Gaunts in Half-Blood Prince — it was really early on, too, one of the first few chapters — and going, “What the fuck it this shit?”), and when he realized it had the Resurrection Stone in it, he immediately put it on, hoping he could resurrect Ariana and find out whether or not it was his curse that killed her. Only he forgot it was still a horcrux, which is how his hand became poisoned and all the rest of that stuff happened.

So yeah. That was our history lesson for today.

But, you know — the movies explain all this in depth, so I didn’t really need to get into any of it.

Don’t you remember when they explained all this?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1083

Lovegood rushes downstairs to make more tea.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1084

“You forgot the water.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1085

White girl nervous.

“Really, we must be going.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1086

“NO YOU CAN’T!”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1087

Well shit.

What’s going on?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1088

“You’re my only hope.”

(I assure you, this is not the wrong franchise. He actually says this. They’re pulling out all the stops with this one, aren’t they?)

They took Luna. Apparently they didn’t like the shit he was writing.

(Earlier when they asked where Luna was, he said “She’ll be along.” Which… I guess that means this is between semesters at Hogwarts. Otherwise wouldn’t she be at school?)

Colin:

Would you say the Death Eaters had a…quibble…with your publication? Thanks, I’m here all night.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1089

But it’s really Harry they want.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1090

Here they come.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1091

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1092

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1093

It’s always funny to me, these scenes. Someone tries to save a loved one, so they give up people, thinking the bad guys will go easy on them. No, motherfucker, they don’t care about you, they just want the other people. You’re fucked no matter what. What, did you think they were gonna come peacefully, take Harry quietly and leave your shit alone and give you your daughter back? Motherfucker, based on the shit you said in your paper, you’re lucky you’re not dead right now.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1094

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1095

Good job, buddy. They clearly care that you helped them.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1096

Colin:

Now THAT was what they should have down to The Burrow instead of lighting a fire and inviting everyone outside.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1097

NOT THE DIRIGIBLE PLUMS!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1098

Aww… just like Toy Story 3.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1099

Oh, they’re apparating.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1100

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1101

They really like destroying country houses, don’t they?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1102

Back in the forest.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1103

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1104

Uh oh.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1105

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1106

Snatching time.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1107

Colin:

Snatcher, no snatching! SNATCHER, NO SNATCHING! IT’S NOT WORKING!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1108

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1109

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1110

Why not just apparate again?

Colin:

This is the part where you’d have a prearranged destination to all apparate to. If you have the time to run and not get shot, you have the time to apparate again. It’s easy. Just pick a spot. The kitchen, at Lil Ray Ray’s. Poof. You’re saved.

Lil Ray Ray’s Crack Palace.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1111

Though I will say — great sound design here. Like when they were running through the field in the previous movie — they cut out all the sound except them running and the wands shooting spells. Terrific job. Sometimes down and dirty is the best way to do things.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1112

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1113

They got Ron.

Colin:

Bakudou 63: Sajo Sabaku! These Snatchers know some high-level Kidou.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1114

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1115

Goddamn, Hermione.

Colin:

Hermione’s the only one who knows what the fuck she’s doing. How do these characters constantly forget that their wands are combination water fountain-microwave-lighter-sword-flashlight-rocket launcher-keys? It’s basically a Swiss Army knife that does EVERYTHING. Why would you not be firing off crazy blasts every other second? Maybe it’ll slow you down, but it sure as hell slowed THEM down. I’d be unleashing fucking Armageddon behind me.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1116

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1117

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1118

You is fucked.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1119

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1120

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1121

Holy shit, she shot him in the face.

That was awesome.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1122

Visions time!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1123

Hey look, Nurmengard. Not that the movie would tell us.

(I don’t see any dementors out there.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1124

It’s Grindelwald. (Man, did he not age well.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1125

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1126

Voldie’s asking him where it is.

(Which — great plan, asking someone who’s been in prison for forty years where something is.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1127

He says Dumbledore has it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1128

Well fucking obviously.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1129

Dead.

Which is a shame, since the movies never tell you anything about Grindelwald at all. They never mention his duel with Dumbledore, they don’t mention how he was the original bad guy. He’s basically just a regular guy in the movies. Bagshot’s great nephew, now in prison, knew Dumbledore, and lost his wand to Dumbledore (which he stole in the first place). But in actuality — Grindelwald was like, Voldemort 1.0. He wanted power, got followers, and was terrorizing Europe until Dumbledore manned up and fought him, Goku style. (Because of course that exists.) Apparently it was the greatest wizards’ duel ever. Which – it reeks of Goku, since they often go in underdog and somehow pull out a win. But still — weird how they show him without even telling you what his importance is.

Another fun note – Grindelwald was terrorizing Europe in the 1940s, leading to a duel with Dumbeldore in 1945. Just gonna leave that one right there for those of you interested in history.

And what’s also fascinating is that Voldemort was just coming up while Grindelwald was doing all this. He graduated Hogwarts in 1945 (so he’s already done more than Harry. And he’s evil).

Still don’t understand the point of Voldemort killing Grindelwald, though. He wasn’t doing anything.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1130

Harry tells Hermione Voldemort knows where the Elder Wand is.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1131

Wow. She fucked up his face REAL GOOD.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1132

He says his name is Robert Paulson Vernon Dudley.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 - 1133

Sure as shit didn’t work, Hermione. Good job. Maybe try a Scarrus Obscurus next time.

Colin:

Wait, so you fucked up his face, but left his ONLY unchanging and identifying feature? Couldn’t you have put some make up on that shit or something? Damn. A rare Granger fail.

And that’s where we’ll END PART IV. Because of course the climax of the movie has to be in Part V.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and a house elf getting prison shanked.

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