Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010), Part IV — “Not the Dirigible Plums!”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Part 1.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. Part IV.

We begin Part IV at:

Godric’s Hollow.

Colin:

Having them arrive off screen made me imagine them landing like a Terminator, in the crouching position. And now you’re imagining that, too. It’s awesome, right?

Aww… she put her arm in his. I know she’s probably doing it so people don’t look at them strangely, but the hope lives on.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my.

Ah, drunks. My people.

It’s Christmas Eve.

And there’s a graveyard.

Mum and Dad might be in there.

Small town life is weird. You’re buried like 300 feet from where you used to live, but it’s also somehow not in your backyard.

Colin:

This is the part where Hermione should have come up with some reason why Harry’s parents wouldn’t be in that cemetery and instead been like, “…but it looks like there was a pub back there. I bet they, uh…drank there all the time. We should do that.”

They’re coming to get you, Barbra.

Also, they totally shot this before dawn. Or maybe even in the morning. This looks like them trying to shoot day for night. Either that or they have a shitload of lights on this scene so they can see it. Then again… this is probably a soundstage. So it’s probably just the lights. But the lighting changes here, since I could swear this part was shot as the sun was coming up, but other parts are almost definitely night. So I’m wondering what the source of the discontinuity is.

Wow, what a coincidence you’d wipe off that exact symbol?

Ignotus Peverell.

“Hey, Harry –”

Dead parents.

Colin:

I never lost my parents, but he was a baby at the time. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when he cries about them, wouldn’t it be more “I never got to have parents” than “I miss my parents?”

Thanks, computers!

Colin:

I guess it’s a thought-that-counts thing, too, but once you can make a wreath of flowers by drawing a circle in the air, doesn’t that make it a somewhat emptier gesture than what we might do as muggles? There’s no forethought. If she’d pulled something out of her bag and it was understood that even though she didn’t know they’d see the grave, she’d had something ready the whole time, that’d have been some moving shit.

“Merry Christmas, Hermione.”

“Merry Christmas, Harry.”

Isn’t it funny that the first time we heard him say that, he got one of the Deathly Hallows?

Nah, that’s not creepy.

Good awareness, Hermione.

Harry knows who that is.

Colin:

Her? That’s my crack dealer. Who else is gonna be at a cemetery on Christmas Eve?

Un-limited Potter.

(censored) (censored) (censored) knock-kneed (censored) (censored) (censored)

I don’t get it — why are you randomly following an old lady to her house? Don’t you wonder even once why she’s not talking to you and why this is all so creepy?

Also, just gonna ask it now — how the fuck is that a snake?

This is where they died.

At least they didn’t use that ridiculously bad flashback from the first movie.

Colin:

The house is still there? That should have been torn down. It’s been like 16 years! That should have been a Krispy Kreme AGES ago.

Or at least a historical building or something.

Which begs the question — I haven’t seen one wizard construction worker in this movie. No contractors, no day laborers — I wonder if stuff doesn’t actually get built at all.

Colin:

Did Voldie literally tear the roof off the sucker, or was this magic house made so shoddily that 16 years of normal wear and tear leave it looking like the shittier parts of Dresden c. 1945? I don’t remember there being a gaping hole in the ceiling in the flashbacks.

Well hello, Bathilda Bagshot.

Seriously, only Hermione is suspicious right now. Wouldn’t a normal person be talking to you and not just standing there, all creepy like?

The first real sign is that she’s like 106 years old and is standing outside in the cold. Old people don’t do that.

No, that’s not creepy at all.

Also, explain to me how this whole situation works, again. How exactly does a snake have the ability to change into a person and back at will?

“Who’s that?”

Her great nephew, motherfucker. Don’t you read?

Yeah, sure, follow her upstairs, that’ll end well.

This looks like a Final Fantasy house.

This whole town is making me want to go back and play Final Fantasy VII. It’s got a total Nibelheim vibe to it.

Ah, Skeet Face pulled a fast one.

She’s awesome. Too bad they let her plot line drop out of nowhere in that movie. I’d have liked to see more of her.

This looks like where they shot The King’s Speech.

Or maybe where they shot Czar Nicholas.

There are three horcruxes in this room.

Colin:

Are they gonna kiss, or…?

She’s speaking snake to him!

I mean, of course he won’t necessarily be able to tell it, since he’s already shown an inability to differentiate between hassa hassa and English, but can’t you start picking up on it not being normal speech given the rhythms of it all? A snake sentence is like, “Ha-sssss-aaaaaaaa-hiya.” In the time it takes them to say that on screen, I could say, “Nuh uh, I ain’t fucking with that shit. That’s some weird ass language right there,” and probably still have enough time to catch the beginning and end of the snake line. Don’t you notice how slow the speech is and go, “Hey, maybe this is snake talk”?

I don’t know. It just seemed really obvious in the movie that something was up. I don’t really remember what happened in the book.

Now, this could be because I got the book at like, 1 am (I remember the day the book came out, I had it specifically pre-ordered and they were gonna deliver it UPS that afternoon. They specifically made sure all the books would be delivered on the day it was supposed to come out. But my sister went with her friends to Barnes and Noble and picked up a copy. So I took her copy — since she was gonna go to bed anyway — read that, and gave her mine when it showed up. And I started reading it immediately, and read until like 5 or 6 o’clock, and then went to bed, because we had a party at my aunt’s house the next day, and I spent the whole party reading the book. I remember ending that day right around where this part ends. Maybe like three minutes of screen time before it. So it’s possible this part got read right before bed and I didn’t fully process it), but I still remember this scene being at least slightly less obvious in the book than it is here. But I can’t rightly say, since I don’t really remember it.

But seriously, how do you not see something is up here, Harry?

Good job, Clarice.

Damn shame what they did to that old lady.

This is the basis for like, every horror movie that comes out nowadays.

Did the snake take Polyjuice potion? How would it know when to take it and when not to take it? Did they have it take it for this exact moment? How is this working, exactly? It fucking killed a woman and inhabited her corpse. What is this, Men in Black?

Colin:

So, that’s a snake. I’m confused, was the snake wearing her skin? Like a Bathilda suit? 

Anyway, fight time.

Just like Rosa Klebb.

Bustin’ through the walls!

What room is this? Bagshot never raised Grindelwald. He just showed up like Dill in To Kill a Mockingbird and hung out with Dumbledore.

Why does this woman randomly have a baby room in her house? This is creepy.

Colin:

It looks like where they kept the messed up kids in Akira.

Total Rowan Atkinson face.

Gotcha, bitch.

Really curious as to what happens if Nagini fucks up Harry to the point of death right now.

HE JUST HIT A FUCKING SNAKE IN THE FACE WITH A BRICK!

Classic shot.

Cyclops!

Zap that shit!

This is a pretty standard scene. I’m surprised they went there. It’s such an obvious progression that you see in all horror/thriller movies. It was so obvious, I was actually counting the edits in my head. I would point at the screen every time a major cut was going to happen, and it did. The snake jumping back out in a second was supposed to be jarring, but I had that shit timed, because it’s Editing 101. Strange choice to go so… generic.

FIRE!

And they out this bitch. (How come the window blew out?)

Also, how did this not wake up anyone else in the neighborhood?

Oh, this is gorgeous.

Didn’t Harry get bitten in that last scene in the book? Wasn’t he like, half dead at one point? I feel like when they left, Harry was bitten and practically dead, and was really fucked up from the snake and there was a question of whether or not he’d make it at one point. Am I just imagining that? Or did they just play it off like, “Oh, well, some rest is all you needed”?

Beautiful shots here, though.

“Forest of Dean. I came here once with my mother and father. Years ago. It’s just how I remember it. Trees, the river, everything. Like nothings changed.”

Colin:

The way she’s listing this stuff, it’s like she can’t recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. Gotta get this girl some strawberries and cream.

Is that code for Ron’s…?

Colin:

WHAT? NO! I think you know me better than to think I’d make a joke as vulgar as…nah, maybe you were founded after all.

The Grey.

“Maybe we should just stay here, Harry. Grow old.”

Yes, do that. Which — now you’ve got me legitimately curious how that would work out, and picturing all the different avenues that could take. Thanks a lot, film, for getting my hopes up yet again.

She knows who the guy in the photo was.

Gellert Grindelwald.

aka Jamie Campbell Bower aka Colin Farrell aka Johnny Depp aka Mads Mikkelsen.

Harry wants to know where his wand is.

Damn, Harry’s losing everything he got in the first movie.

Colin:

His wand is broken. That’s like losing your lightsaber. That don’t do. I remember being not cool with this the first time I saw it, not cause it was a fallacy or anything, but because I was genuinely upset for him. That’s irreplaceable. That was his wand. There were many like it, but that one was his.

But actually. I’m not too sure how this choosing business works, but presumably it’s a very delicate process, and not many wands are actually gonna be perfect for just you. This is some shit straight out of The Natural. I want to know how he goes about getting another one. Because doesn’t he just use Draco’s over the rest of the films? At the end and stuff? How does that work? Does he give it back to Draco when this is all over? Does he keep it? I’m actually more fascinated with how he goes about getting another wand than I am about half the shit in these movies.

Also, wouldn’t his next wand actually be the one made for him? Since his life to this point is firmly about Voldemort, given the horcrux thing. But once the horcrux is gone, isn’t the next wand actually the proper wand for him based on his personality or whatever the usual criteria is for getting a wand?

Night watch.

Colin:

Why does one of them have to stay outside? They’ve both been inside before to do shit like DANCE.

Doe, a deer, a female deer.

It’s weird that you would just follow a patronus instead of looking around for whoever cast it.

Colin:

I’m naturally skeptical, but this looks like a trap. If I saw one of these things prancing up, I’d be like, “Yeah, you want me to follow you, huh? Well, I’m gonna keep sitting here, and if it’s really that important, you can come over here and par-lay.”

Wow, that would be a really stupid way to go, if the person was just luring you out onto the ice, only for it to give way and for you to drown.

It don’t want to Accio.

What I don’t get is — why couldn’t Snape just be like, “Hey, I got this for you”? Sure, I know Harry’s pissed at him and all, but what’s the harm in this? We know Voldemort isn’t looking into his thoughts anymore because he’s afraid of Harry looking back, and nobody knows where they are. Not to mention, they sure as shit ain’t going back to school to tell anyone. And we know Harry’s not the murdering type at all, so there’s really no danger for Snape to just be like, “Here. Use it to destroy the horcrux.” Sure, you may not trust him, but you’re literally looking for this fucking object and he’s giving it to you, so maybe that might open up a line of communication.

I don’t really get why he had to dump it in the lake and freeze shit over outside of still being like, “Fuck your dad and your uncle.” Which… honestly I appreciate the spite, if that’s what it is.

So naturally you have to go in after it. Because you couldn’t break the ice and then Accio it, right?

Great shot. Tense shot. Too bad we know nothing’s coming out of there. Still — that angle always adds a degree of tension.

This shot I enjoy, because it really makes you go, “Why the fuck wouldn’t he wake up Hermione?” You’re about to go underwater in a frozen lake. How about maybe getting a spotter in case shit goes down? Or, the question I’m going to ask in a second — TAKE OFF THE FUCKING LOCKET? You’re worried about losing it — what if it comes off while you’re down there? What then? Leave it with your fucking clothes. Or… get Hermione!

Colin:

I don’t trust this shit for a second. You ask Hermione before you do some shit like this.

How about as a blanket rule we ask Hermione before we do anything? She’s more prepared than you’ve ever been for anything in your entire life, in totality.

Seriously, that’s the problem with Gryffindors. Take one second to think logically. These motherfuckers are real lucky Hermione didn’t get sorted into Ravenclaw.

Gee, who’d have guessed that the thing with a defense mechanism would react to one of the only things in the world that can destroy it?

Again, the question becomes “Why not take it off?” This is the same reason why the Incredibles weren’t allowed capes.

Colin:

This is hilarious. Dude’s getting fucked up in like four feet of water.

Also — Skyfall?

Does that make Dobby Judi Dench?

Colin:

You know that if you saw this going on from on top of the ice, you’d be laughing your ass off.

Thank god for the mysterious savior.

Great shot.

It’s Ron.

Naturally Harry assumes it was Ron’s patronus.

Though Ron didn’t cast the patronus. Because why the fuck would he lead him into a frozen fucking lake like that?

But hey, now he can destroy this fucking thing.

But then he says he can’t. (Pussy.)

“Then why are you here? Why did you come back?”

Now’s not the time to goad him into shit. It’s hard to call someone a bitch after they just pulled you away from death.

ALSO WHY IS NO ONE GETTING HERMIONE???

Harry says he has to speak to it in order for it to open (How does he know this, again?), and when he does, Ron’s gotta kill the thing.

Oh man, here it comes…

Hassa hassa.

Colin:

Damn. It takes that many syllables to say “friend” in Parseltongue?

Oil?

This thing is like a boggart by way of Sauron. It talks to him, tells him it sees him, knows his fears, and then sends spiders.

Colin:

This is a great horcrux. It’s playing to his weaknesses and challenging him directly. This is airing some issues we’ve needed to get at for several films now. Is Ron going to be useless, as usual?

Ha ha ha. Here it comes.

“We were better without you.”

“Who could love you, compared to Harry Potter?”

It speaks the truth. It says Ron is nothing compared to Harry. What evidence during these seven movies has told us otherwise? What makes it even funnier is that Harry isn’t all that to begin with.

Colin:

“What woman would take you? YOU are a ginger.”

I also love how their clothes just disappeared. At that point I’d be like, “Well this clearly isn’t real,” and stab the fucking thing.

Oh yeah.

Technically they’re naked in the frozen woods, so if you don’t do it, the frostbite surely will.

I feel like there’s a fine line between ‘preying one someone’s insecurities so they won’t act’ and ‘showing them something they’re afraid of, which will make them mad and want to attack’.

Good job, Ron.

I should also note that I saw this movie at midnight while visiting some friends back on campus. We drank quite a bit of alcohol beforehand. (Or rather, I drank quite a bit of alcohol beforehand. I don’t remember what the rest of them did. Anyway, when this scene happened in theaters, and this shot came up, the entire theater was deathly silent (they were all wondering what the hell they’d just witnessed, I’m sure). And the only thing that was audible in this theater (I was told this by friends of mine who were also in the theater at the time, sitting way apart from where I was) was me, in the back, loudly going, “What the fuck was that?”

My feelings still stand on this scene.

“So let’s sit and talk about what just happened.”

That’s really all you can do with something like that.

But… here’s a question… what did the horcrux think was gonna happen? Isn’t running at the two of them making out and trying to stab them the natural reaction when you see that? Did it think he was gonna run away and cry? And if he did do that, what happens then? Does it just go back inside itself, or does it just hang out there and wait for Harry to pick up the sword and do the deed? Since this seems like unnecessary drama. Harry could have just done all this himself and taken care of it, no problem. Was he pulling a Dumbledore? he’s much cleverer, so Ron gets to do it? I don’t really understand why Harry pawns this off on Ron for any reason. He’s had experience with these things before!

Also, who hassa hassa’d the diary to make Tom Riddle come out?

Or, we can just pull back and say how there’s only three horcruxes left.

Which is funny, since how do they know what was and wasn’t a horcrux? They’ve heard Voldemort say he wanted seven, and they know the ring, the diary and the locket are gone. So how exactly are there three left? I haven’t heard Quirrell’s name mentioned once since the first film. Seems like you just want the audience/non-book readers to know where we’re at and nothing else.

I want someone to make me a gif that just has, in big, flashing letters, “BAD EXPOSITION ALERT.” I’d use that thing so often in these articles.

I hope her first words are, “Well why the fuck didn’t you wake me up?”

“Hermione, look at this!”

“Oh jesus, Harry, not again!”

“Well, how about this instead?”

“Hey!”

“You complete ASS, Ronald Weasley!”

“You show up here after WEEKS –”

“And you say ‘Hey’?”

“Where’s my wand, Harry?”

THIS IS WHY SHE’S MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THE FRANCHISE.

If there was ever any doubt that she wasn’t my favorite character in the franchise, the words “Where’s my wand?” froze that shit in carbonite. Holy shit, that was perfect.

“Where’s my wand?”

“Harry Potter, you give me my wand!”

“How come he’s got your wand?”

“Never mind why he’s got my wand!”

This is perfect. This is making a play for top ten favorite moments in the franchise.

“What is that?”

“You destroyed it?”

“And how is it that you just happen to have the Sword of Gryffindor?”

“Don’t think this changes anything.”

“Oh, of course not! I only just destroyed a bloody horcrux. Why would that change anything?”

Uh oh.

“I wanted to come back as soon as I left. I just didn’t know how to find you.”

But how did he find them?

This.

He heard Hermione’s voice coming from it.

“And what exactly did I say, may I ask?”

“My name. Just my name. Like a whisper.”

He clicked the Deluminator, and a ball of light appeared, and went through his chest.

Right here.

He knew it was gonna take him where he needed to go, so he disapparated. And he found them.

Colin:

Ron Explains a Single Plot Device in Detail. THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING SOMETHING.

It makes no real sense, but at least it’s an explanation.

Might need a change of knickers after that.

Ron wonders how long Hermione will stay mad at him.

“Just talk about that little ball of light touching your heart. She’ll come ’round.”

He figures that’s why Dumbledore left him the Deluminator. He’d need it to find his way back.

Colin:

Dumbledore knew he was gonna bitch out and desert them. Cause Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore knew a punk ass bitch when he saw one, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what a punk ass bitch looks like.

Oh and he’s got a wand, too.

“It’s a blackthorn. Ten inches. Nothing special, but I reckon it’ll do.”

You’re telling me a ten inch blackthorn isn’t special? Where the fuck do YOU come from? (Is this the wand he uses for the rest of the film? Weird how they just sort of found it somewhere.)

Engorgio.

Reduco.

Colin:

That was hilarious. This wand has some get up and go. I like it.

“What’s going on in there?”

“Nothing!”

“We need to talk.”

About Kevin?

She wants to go see Xenophilius Lovegood.

Colin:

She’s only talking to Harry for this whole scene. I know she’s pissed at Ron, but you know. Anything to assuage those feelings of inferiority, right?

That’s a letter Dumbledore wrote to Grindelwald. (Read the last paragraph.)

The only thing missing is “xoxo.”

Harry Potter TV series idea: Gossip Witch

It means something, she says. She wants to go ask him what it means, since he had it on a necklace at the wedding.

“Let’s vote on it. Those in favor…”

Seriously, though. She’s the best.

Gee, this looks familiar.

“You’re not still mad at him, are you?”

“I’m always mad at him.”

The Lovegood Estate.

Keep off the Dirigible Plums.

They should have women’s shirts that say that.

How does one get on the dirigible plums? Or is it just a sign to say ‘don’t pick them’? In which case — this is the wizarding world. Couldn’t you put a spell that makes the branches slap you if you tried?

He lives in a shoe.

I love people who have half-doors. I want a half-door. That’s awesome.

They’d like to come in and talk to him. Which — what do you think if you’re Xenophilius right now? Aside from what we know is going on with him, what could these kids possibly have to talk to him about right now?

“Do you think we could get internships at your paper?”

“How exactly does one get wrackspurts out of a vagina?”

“Do you mind if I try to fuck Luna?”

Seriously, what possible reason could you think these kids could have for coming to see you?

They’re old friends already.

They ask where Luna is. He says, “She’ll be along.”

Which — I guess means this is between semesters. Because otherwise wouldn’t she be at school? Or is it just understood that everyone who’s anti-Voldemort isn’t at school this year?

Also — this is one of the three deadliest periods in the history of wizardom. Why the fuck is she just out and about? Is no one else gonna question that?

He wants to know about his necklace.

It’s the sign of the Deathly Hallows.

From the Tale of the Three Brothers.

Harry’s not familiar with the tale of the Three Brothers.

Hermione’s got it. (Of course Hermione’s got it.)

“There were once three brothers…”

Well, this must be it, then.

“… who were wandering along a lonely, winding road at twilight.”

“Midnight. Mum always said midnight.”

I love her so much.

“Twilight’s fine. Better, actually.”

I forgot they went there.

Oh right. This animation. One of the best sequences in the franchise.

“In time, the brothers reached a river too treacherous to pass.”

“But being learned in the magical arts, the three brothers simply waved their wands and made a bridge.”

“Before they could cross, however…”

“They found their path blocked by a hooded figure.”

“It was Death.”

“And he felt cheated. Cheated because travelers would normally drown in the river.”

“But Death was cunning.”

(Walken fingers.)

“He pretended to congratulate the three brothers on their magic, and said that each had earned a prize for being clever enough to evade him.”

“The oldest asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence.”

So, Death… you’re clearly aware of magic if you’re making a wand. How would you then feel cheated by them using magic? Also, do you just hang out by this one bridge all the time? How does that work?

I know this is a fairy tale, but also — these items exist. So do we ever find out how they were made? Since all three of these things are unique to the world. So either Death is an actual being in this universe or these three guys just made some crazy shit that arguably made them the three most dangerous people in the world.

“So Death fashioned him one from an Elder tree that stood nearby.”

What if there were a sassafras tree nearby? Would that then have made it the Sassafras Wand?

“The second brother decided he wanted to humiliate Death even further, and asked for the power to recall loved ones from the grave.”

“So Death plucked a stone from the river and offered it to him.”

Seems like a weird thing to ask for, but sure.

“Finally, Death turned to the third brother.”

“A humble man, he asked for something that would allow him to go forth from that place without being followed by Death.”

“And so it was that Death reluctantly handed over his own cloak of invisibility.”

This is that moment where you realize, “Fuck… one of them’s actually smart.”

“The first brother traveled to a distant village –”

“Where, with the Elder Wand in hand, he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarreled.”

“Drunk with the power that the Elder Wand had given him, he bragged at his invincibility.”

“But that night, another wizard stole the wand –”

“And slit the brother’s throat for good measure.”

“And so Death took the first brother for his own.”

“The second brother journeyed to his home, where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand.”

“To his delight, the girl he’d once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him.”

“But soon she turned sad and cold, for she did not belong in the mortal world.”

“Driven mad with hopeless longing, the second brother killed himself, so as to join her.”

“And so Death took the second brother.”

“As for the third brother, Death searched for many years, but was never able to find him.”

“Only when he attained a great age did the youngest brother shed the cloak of invisibility and give it to his son.”

“He then greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, departing this life as equals.”

Colin:

This is probably my favorite part of the franchise. This animation is so good to watch, and of anyone who’s going to be narrating, Hermione would be my pick.

Harry still doesn’t get it.

The Elder Wand. The most powerful wand ever made.

The Resurrection Stone.

The Cloak of Invisibility.

Hermione gets it.

“Together they make the Deathly Hallows. Together they make one Master of Death.”

Doling out the charm. Ready with a handshake and an open palm.

Hermione wants to know about Peverell, the name on the grave in Godric’s Hollow. He and his brothers were thought to be the inspiration for the story, and the original owners of the Hallows.

Of course, what’s not explained is that Harry is descended from Ignotus Peverell, which is why his father was in possession of the Invisibility Cloak when he died, but that’s okay. Who needs to have that explained?

The other thing that’s never explained is why Dumbledore gives Harry the cloak in the first place. You’d think that, with the Elder Wand, Dumbledore would want all three Deathly Hallows and become the master of death. But what happened with him — I’m just gonna go off regurgitating history. Because some people might not know or remember this, and I’m curious to see how much I actually remember despite only having read the books once — it was Dumbledore, Aberforth and Ariana. And Ariana was a frail, damaged child whose magical powers were really erratic and dangerous. And Dumbledore didn’t want to stay and care for Ariana because he sought power when he was young, so he left Aberforth to care for her and went out in search of stuff. And he met Grindelwald and they struck up their whole relationship, and then they researched the Deathly Hallows, and at some point he was gonna go to Europe with Grindelwald, but Aberforth was like, “Fuck you, that’s not happening,” and then they all got into a fight, because they were all like, 18 at the time, and Ariana got killed in the mayhem. And Grindelwald was like, “Fuck this shit, I got priors,” and broke out to Europe. And Dumbledore was scared shitless of what happened in that fight (since he was worried it was his stray curse that killed Ariana), so he gave up his desire for power, knowing it was his weakness, and took a job at Hogwarts. So when his sister died, he basically was like, “I don’t want to become master of death, because I don’t trust myself with what I’d do with it.” So when he found the Invisibility Cloak and realized it was one of the Hallows, he made sure to give it away to Harry because he didn’t really want it anymore and was past all that.

Oh, also — for those who are interested, and because this is really the one franchise where I know all this stuff — Voldemort is descended from Cadmus Peverell, who was the second brother that hung himself. The first brother (Antioch) was killed pretty quickly after getting the wand, so presumably he didn’t have an heir. Somehow this second guy had an heir (hopefully not with the reanimated chick), and the lineage descended into the Gaunt family and Voldemort. So Voldemort was in possession of the Resurrection Stone the way James Potter had the Invisibility Cloak. This is all purely coincidental, but I guess that’s how prophecies work. Also, that weird closeup of Riddle fingering his ring when he talks to Slughorn in Half-Blood Prince — the stone in that ring is the Resurrection Stone. And Dumbledore, as he was going out looking for Horcruxes after the events of Order of the Phoenix, he tracked down the ring at the old Gaunt house (I remember reading the chapter on the Gaunts in Half-Blood Prince — it was really early on, too, one of the first few chapters — and going, “What the fuck it this shit?”), and when he realized it had the Resurrection Stone in it, he immediately put it on, hoping he could resurrect Ariana and find out whether or not it was his curse that killed her. Only he forgot it was still a horcrux, which is how his hand became poisoned and all the rest of that stuff happened.

So yeah. That was our history lesson for today. But, you know — the movies explain all this in depth, so I didn’t really need to get into any of it.

Don’t you remember when they explained all this?

Lovegood rushes downstairs to make more tea.

“You forgot the water.”

White girl nervous.

“Really, we must be going.”

“NO YOU CAN’T!”

Well shit. Way to keep cool, bud.

“You’re my only hope.” (I assure you, this is not the wrong franchise. He actually says this.)

They took Luna. Apparently they didn’t like the shit he was writing.

Colin:

Would you say the Death Eaters had a…quibble…with your publication? Thanks, I’m here all night.

But it’s really Harry they want.

Here they come.

How did you get word to them, exactly? How does one reach the Death Eaters? Is there a toll free number? If You See Something, Say Something.

It’s always funny to me, these scenes. Someone tries to save a loved one, so they give up people, thinking the bad guys will go easy on them. No, motherfucker, they don’t care about you, they just want the other people. You’re fucked no matter what. What, did you think they were gonna come peacefully, take Harry quietly and leave your shit alone and give you your daughter back? Motherfucker, based on the shit you said in your paper, you’re lucky you’re not dead right now.

Good job, buddy. They clearly care that you helped them.

Colin:

Now THAT was what they should have down to The Burrow instead of lighting a fire and inviting everyone outside.

NOT THE DIRIGIBLE PLUMS!

Aww… just like Toy Story 3.

Oh, they’re apparating.

They really like destroying country houses, don’t they?

Back in the forest.

Uh oh.

It’s Snatching time.

Look at this Artful Dodger son of a bitch.

Colin:

Snatcher, no snatching! SNATCHER, NO SNATCHING! IT’S NOT WORKING!

This is all because you put that scarf on that tree, right?

So basically it’s Ron’s fault.

Why not just apparate again?

Colin:

This is the part where you’d have a prearranged destination to all apparate to. If you have the time to run and not get shot, you have the time to apparate again. It’s easy. Just pick a spot. The kitchen, at Lil Ray Ray’s. Poof. You’re saved.

Lil Ray Ray’s Crack Palace.

Honestly apparate back to Privet Drive. I can’t imagine anyone’s gonna be looking there.

Though I will say — great sound design here. Like when they were running through the field in the previous movie — they cut out all the sound except them running and the wands shooting spells. Terrific job. Sometimes down and dirty is the best way to do things.

They got Ron.

Colin:

Bakudou 63: Sajo Sabaku! These Snatchers know some high-level Kidou.

Goddamn, Hermione.

Colin:

Hermione’s the only one who knows what the fuck she’s doing. How do these characters constantly forget that their wands are combination water fountain-microwave-lighter-sword-flashlight-rocket launcher-keys? It’s basically a Swiss Army knife that does EVERYTHING. Why would you not be firing off crazy blasts every other second? Maybe it’ll slow you down, but it sure as hell slowed THEM down. I’d be unleashing fucking Armageddon behind me.

You fucked.

Holy shit, she shot him in the face.

That was awesome.

Visions time!

Hey look, Nurmengard. Not that the movie would tell us.

I don’t see any Dementors here. Is this minimum security?

It’s Grindelwald. (Man, did he not age well.)

Voldie’s asking him where it is.

Which — great plan, asking someone who’s been in prison for forty years where something is.

Also, consider the fact that this moment is the biggest genocidal maniac in history torturing and killing the second biggest genocidal maniac in history. Pretty nuts that it worked out that way (and that Grindelwald was somehow kept alive all these years).

He says Dumbledore has it.

Well, fucking obviously.

Dead.

Which is a shame, since the movies never tell you anything about Grindelwald at all. (I know the prequels sort of do, but we’re not there yet.) They never mention his duel with Dumbledore, they don’t mention how he was the original bad guy. He’s basically just a regular guy in the movies. Bagshot’s great nephew, now in prison, knew Dumbledore, and lost his wand to Dumbledore (which he stole in the first place). But in actuality — Grindelwald was like, Voldemort 1.0. He wanted power, got followers, and was terrorizing Europe until Dumbledore manned up and fought him, Goku style. (Because of course that exists.) Apparently it was the greatest wizards’ duel ever. Which – it reeks of Goku, since they often go in underdog and somehow pull out a win. But still — weird how they show him without even telling you what his importance is.

Another fun note – Grindelwald was terrorizing Europe in the 1940s, leading to a duel with Dumbeldore in 1945. Just gonna leave that one right there for those of you interested in history.

And what’s also fascinating is that Voldemort was just coming up while Grindelwald was doing all this. He graduated Hogwarts in 1945 (so he’s already done more than Harry. And he’s evil).

Still don’t understand the point of Voldemort killing Grindelwald, though. He wasn’t doing anything.

Harry tells Hermione Voldemort knows where the Elder Wand is.

Wow. She fucked up his face REAL GOOD.

He says his name is Robert Paulson Vernon Dudley.

Sure as shit didn’t work, Hermione. Good job. Maybe try a Scarrus Obscurus next time.

Colin:

Wait, so you fucked up his face, but left his ONLY unchanging and identifying feature? Couldn’t you have put some make up on that shit or something? Damn. A rare Granger fail.

And that’s where we’ll END PART IV. Because of course the climax of the movie has to be in Part V.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and a house elf getting prison shanked.

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