Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (2010), Part V — “Spare the Gob, Spoil the Child”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Part 1.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1.

We begin Part V at Malfoy Manor.

I really like these shots.

“He who would enter must answer me these questions three.”

“Well shit, never mind. That’s a scar of a different color.”

Say cheese!

Draco’s gotta ID the body.

That whole family’s got the Monster.

I also love how Lucius is like, “Now make sure, Draco, because if this is him, all the shit we fucked up with will be forgiven.” He’s such a sniveling little prick. It’s great.

Colin:

This illustrates my previous point about Lucius Malfoy being a rich Republican perfectly. One second, he’s showing his anxiety over the dangerous ideologue that he’s “allied” with, and the next second he’s berating a member of the rank and file that he could buy a zillion times over.

Great moment. Draco has all the power here.

What’s interesting is how they don’t automatically know it’s him based on the fact that he’s with Ron and Hermione and has a fucking scar over his head. Who the hell do you think it is? Why do we need Draco to identify him? Context clues, people!

But yeah, Draco actually sort of redeems himself a little bit here.

“What’s wrong with his face?”

Bellatrix figures Hermione did it.

She says why don’t they check Hermione’s wand to see what the last spell it performed was. (They can do that?)

Colin:

Is that a thing? You can just find out what someone’s last spell was? Like a *69 for a wand? I guess it’d be more like a redial.

I guess that’s what priori incantatem is (based on what they’ve told us about it in the movies).

“Got you!”

The laugh is everything.

Colin:

I love her.

Uh oh. That’s not good. Whatever it’s about to be. Whenever a crazy person is stopped in their tracks, the result is never good.

Lance-luck to you there, buddy.

“Where’d you get that from?”

It was in Hermione’s bag. He figures it’s his now.

Yeah, about that…

I love when people go flying.

This is great. She’s just a fucking major boss. She just destroys like four people in about ten seconds.

Remember when she was Greyback’s friend last movie? What’s that all about? Motherfucker was at the Astronomy Tower and now he’s climbin’ in yo windows, snatchin’ your people up.

I know Voldemort won’t let him be a Death Eater because he’s a werewolf, but he was there when they killed Dumbledore, and now she’s telling him to get the fuck out of her house. I can see attacking the other people and leaving him alone, since he’s sort of the leader of the group and they’re just the dirty help he’s hired. You expect that shit from the help, but the main guy you figure won’t care and won’t do anything. It’s just weird that she’s attacking him like this all of a sudden.

Even Boy George gets it.

It’s pretty awesome how she does this, though.

They’re putting the boys in the cellar.

Bellatrix is gonna “talk” to Hermione, “Girl to girl.”

Wormtail and his hand.

Remember when that meant something in the book?

Yeah, we’ll get to that in a second.

Colin:

Pettigrew’s such a tool. And that hand looks like a Nubian starship. I hope you know, asshole.

I like how people’s first reaction upon being locked up is to try to get out by pulling on the bars. Not once do they think, “Hey, maybe we can take out the wall next to the bars.”

“Ron?”

Luna!

Also, I love that this deluminator actually serves a purpose and wasn’t just that plot point for Ron to come back. Notice how I didn’t even bring that up at all. It’s because I can accept a plot device when it has uses outside of the device. (Also, it’s a plot device that actually is a device. That’s humorous.)

Colin:

They searched them all, no? Why does Ron have the deluminator? Did he pull a Chris Walken?

Torture.

Apparently the sword is supposed to be in Bellatrix’s vault at Gringotts.

This is actually one of the most fucked up scenes in the franchise, because you can feel the torture. Any time someone reacts to torture the way you’re supposed to react to torture – it’s not pleasant.

“I didn’t take anything!” And she’s crying – this is legit torture right here.

Oh, this is fucked up.

I remember this from the book, too. This was some legit scary shit. This was one of the few (maybe even the only) times in the book where I was legit worried about a character’s safety.

Colin:

This is kinda hot.

What kind of fucked up porno would this be?

Colin:

I like yo purple overalls.

“That’s a curious thing to keep in your sock.”

This is why we love her.

“Help us.”

I love that he puts the light out when someone’s coming. This device is terrific.

No sure how Pettigrew doesn’t notice the light being on and going off, but that’s not the device’s fault, so I’m still a huge fan of it and how they use it.

It’s Griphook’s turn.

Back! Back you animals!

I feel like I had to have said this before, but…

Harry Potter TV series idea: Remember Deer Hunter?

It’s Dobby!

I love that when he turns around his face just lights up and he goes, “Ahh!” He’s so joyous. I love Dobby.

And then, of course —

“Dobby’s come to rescue Harry Potter. Dobby will always be there for Harry Potter.”

Which is a really touching line. It’s lines like this that make this sequence work.

Dobby can apparte in and out of the room. (Well he worked there before, didn’t he?)

Can he take them with him?

“Of course, I’m an elf.”

Awesome.

That’s the ultimate ‘you can if you’re a badass’ response.

He’s gonna take Luna and Ollivander first. To Shell Cottage over on the outskirts of somewhere or other.

“Whenever you’re ready, sir.”

“Sir… I like her very much.”

Me too, Dobby.

Colin:

You can tell that Luna tried to say the ‘sir’ nonchalantly, but was really trying to show off how progressive she is.

Reminds me of this tweet that somebody wrote (I hate that I can’t remember who it is and am too lazy to go and look so I can’t properly give them credit: it’s something to the effect of, “Don’t you hate it when someone refers to God as ‘She’ like it’s not a big deal but you can tell they want it to be a huge deal?” Because yes.

So, can house elves just travel anywhere? This is sort of a two-part question, having to do with what happened earlier and what’s about to happen now. The first part of the question is – can they go anywhere? Since I think the rule is you can only apparate somewhere you’ve been before. I presume because how else would you fucking know where you were going? Every time they apparate, it’s somewhere they’ve been or somewhere Hermione remembers from her childhood and can picture very clearly in her mind. Or, like, in the forest later, she puts her scarf around the tree as a point of reference so they can apparate back later on. And here, Ron tells Dobby to take Ollivander and Luna to Shell Cottage, a place that Dobby has never been before. And yet – they all end up there when Dobby apparates them out of there. So do house elves not have to follow the rules? Are they just wizard Mapquest? Can they just go anywhere without issue? How does that work?

I feel like the argument against this is, “Well, they’re so small, so there aren’t any issues,” but if you’ve never been where you’re going, how can you get there? I could buy apparating to somewhere like Times Square, because everyone can picture it. But even then, it shouldn’t really work for you, since you’ve never actually been there, and how do you know that’s what it is? I don’t get how Dobby can just go to Shell Cottage with nothing more than, “It’s over near these two places.”

And the other question: Harry told Kreacher earlier to go bring him Mundungus Fletcher – how does that work? What if he can’t? Is he just under orders to keep trying until he does or until he dies? Is there some kind of montage of Kreacher setting Wile E. Coyote traps for Mundungus to try to catch him? Does this turn into some Team Rocket shit? And also, what if you told your house elf – who has to do what you tell them to – to bring you someone famous? Like, “Kreacher – bring me Keira Knightley.” Does that just happen? Are there no rules against this? Do they just bring you back anyone you ask for? This seems really dangerous, that house elves can just go anywhere unimpeded. You can send a house elf to go kidnap Keira Knightley and they just do it? This really seems like it could lead to some bad situations.

Colin:

My big issue with it was that Dobby, while still a slave of the Malfoy household, was perfectly able to apparate in and out of Hogwarts whenever he pleased. We now see that house elves can take people in and out of protected places, too. So how about evil people have their house elves take them and like six evil friends each into Hogwarts in the middle of the night? So much for your castle’s defenses.

After trying to get into this place numerous times, the Death Eaters could have gotten in whenever they wanted using elves. This is never addressed, even though the elves are required to do what their masters tell them, and there are elves — like Kreacher — who would GLADLY take evil wizards to go fuck up Hogwarts from the inside.

Con-ti-nui-ty!

Anyway, time to get them out of there. (I love the slow track in as he says what he’s about to say.)

“Meet me at the top of the stairs in ten seconds.”

That’s badass.

Coming down to check all the commotion.

Sniped!

“Oww.”

The mud on the walls makes for a nice blood spatter visual.

Also, why is there mud on the walls? Especially right there. I can’t think of a single logical reason for that to be there except that they wanted it to look like blood spatter. Which is fine, I’m just… I just started thinking about it logically for a second. I’d rather the shot be there than make sense.

So did he kill him, or what?

Since Wormtail dies in the book, the presumption here is that Dobby just headshotted him. Which is badass and fucked up at the same time.

Which, I guess, now’s a good time to wonder – how come they changed what happened in the book? It has to be time constraints, right? Or the fact that they never explained the whole life debt scenario in the movies.

Since the whole thing is that when Harry didn’t kill Pettigrew in Azkaban, or let Sirius and Lupin do it, Pettigrew owed Harry a life debt. So instead of strangling Harry, as he was about to do, his hand that Voldemort gave him strangled himself, him owing Harry a life. Right? So I guess they didn’t want to be bothered with explaining anything. That’s the only real explanation for it.

Colin:

Should’ve gone out like Chewbacca. Motherfucker got hit by a moon. THAT’S how you pay a life debt.

So the moon actually did hit him just right…

“Who gets his wand?”

Oh, he totally killed him. That’s a badass thing to say after you cap someone’s ass. That line works so much better if he killed him.

Golden snitches get golden stitches.

RANDOM SHOT THAT WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER BUT YOU’LL FORGET ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY SPLIT THE MOVIE INTO TWO PARTS

Colin:

Tell me I’m not the only one who heard the theme from Forrest Gump playing as Bellatrix’s hair floated down to Hermione.

Some people hear that theme playing over almost every movie. (You know who you are.)

This is some Holocaust shit.

Colin:

Pretty sure Rowling’s racist ass already established the Goblins as this franchise’s Jews.

Bellatrix wants to know who got into her vault.

“Bitch, I don’t know.”

Spare the gob, spoil the child.

Not if Ron has anything to do about it.

He just expelli-disarmed the shit out of her.

Stupe-fuck you, Lucius!

Fighting the Malfoys.

This is kind of like Family Double Dare.

Colin:

DOUBLE BATTLE! (Remember when that first happened in Pokemon Gen II, and we were all like, “Whaaaaaat.”)

No.

(Note: At the time these articles were written, I had (somehow) not yet played Pokemon Gen II.)

Draco looks like he’s about to shit his pants.

That’s always such a buzzkill in these moments.

Jesus christ, Quasimodo.

I love this moment. “Look who we have here…” and then she whispers to Hermione, “It’s Harry Potter.”

That smile.

Who you gonna call?

Bad time to play Knifey-Spooney?

“What the fuck?”

What the fuck was he doing to call Voldemort? Don’t you just put the wand to the tattoo? What’s with the David Blaine shit?

“Wait — I had something for this…”

“No, no, take your time. I’ll be fine with this big ass knife to my throat.”

TALLY HO!

That must feel good for him, having had to clean it for all those years.

“Give me my wand, bitch.”

Technically this is the most important moment in the franchise.

Lucius be getting thrown all over his house.

I love the thud with which he hits the floor. That’s awesome.

“Stupid elf! You could’ve killed me!”

“Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure.”

So does that mean Pettigrew is still alive?

Narcissa has had enough of your shit.

Nuh uh, bitch.

Oh, that’s right. Dobby a real gangsta. Look at that lean.

“How dare you take a witch’s wand! How dare you defy your masters!”

“Dobby has no master!”

“Dobby is a free elf!”

“And Dobby has come to save Harry Potter and his friends!”

YEAH DOBBY!!!

DOBBY UNCHAINED!

Griphook’s like, “Well all right. Fine by me!” He’s enjoying the shit out of this.

Wow, it’s like apparting only goes slow when it needs to.

Love the single curl that blows out when she exhales.

And also apparently that’s a thing too.

Colin:

Personal preference, but if you want it to be a surprise, have her throw it in real time and leave the audience wondering what the fuck happened for that split second before the reveal. With this, you know they wouldn’t slow it down unless the knife is going through and fucking someone up. And who’s it going to be? One of the main characters, or a former slave who just made a speech about having gained his freedom?

I agree completely. Weird choice. But, like a lot of things in the franchise, they operate under the fanboy assumption that everybody knows what’s gonna happen and is expecting it. Definitely not long game stuff at all.

“I can’t feel my legs!”

I have to say — there is a ridiculous amount of “I can’t feel my legs!” shots in this franchise. Between this and Bond — reaction shots, rear projection, and “I can’t feel my legs!” shots — those are pretty much the major themes of all these articles. I’m sure there are a few more that I’m not thinking of right now, but those are definitely the ones that keep coming back. And I love it. Since those are the best ones of all.

Colin:

Just like Lana Turner.

“We’re safe. We’re all safe!”

“Harry Potter…”

Oh, that’s sad.

But on the other hand — he just got knifed.

I mean, objectively, a house elf got prison shanked. That’s fucking hysterical.

But anyway — sadness.

“Hold on. We’ll think of something.”

Whenever you have to say that – shit’s bad.

Hermione must have something in her bag.

Uh oh.

You went to the bag once too often.

Colin:

Can’t Hermione fix this? He’s just a little elf. Somebody get a vet.

But seriously, remember when Snape fixed Malfoy and put all the blood back and everything? You’d think at least Hermione would know how to do a simple patch job. Bandaidicus or something. The girl knew how to repair glasses before she even got to Hogwarts. And they have wands! Why is she just sitting there with the helpless face? I guess even Hermione is helpless against the author and her need to further the plot and set a tone.

“Help me!”

That’s a great line. That really ups the emotion of the scene.

“Such a beautiful place to be with friends.”

“Dobby is happy to be with his friend, Harry Potter.”

What do you think he was holding for this scene?

I think we can all safely say we wept like children when this happened in the book. This was one of those scenes I saw coming, and didn’t expect to be moved by, and was. It was actually really sad in the book.

They did a decent job of it here. It definitely is better than Sirius’s death in the films. I felt more emotional here than I did with that one. (Though I will admit, that one has grown on me since I watched the film again for the articles.)

“We should close his eyes. Don’t you think?”

And they show it, too. That’s always the most awkward part of dealing with a dead person.

That and the whole emptied bowels thing.

The rest is just logistics.

“There. Now he could be sleeping.”

With a knife wound in his stomach.

Though I guess that’s not completely implausible. It’s not like I don’t know someone who’s woken up covered in blood and no idea of how it got there.

Colin:

Hey….hey.

Forgot about that.

Yes, it’s sad.

Harry wants to bury him. Without magic.

Like I said – logistics.

Colin:

The fact that he says, “without magic” sort of brings me back to the point I was making at his parents’ graves. About how using magic sort of robs the gesture of any thoughtfulness, since you can just do shit on the spot. It was a nice thought when Hermione made the wreath of flowers, but it was too spontaneous to be truly profound. This is Harry trying to show his love for Dobby by choosing not to use magic when he could. He’s gonna Stanley Yelnats it.

Also — maybe pitch in and help, other people?

Also, where’d he get a shovel from? Did Hermione have that in her bag?

I guess… the cottage. I’ll go along with that. Of course it had only one though, right?