Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011), Part I — “Squibmalion”

Today we start the end of a franchise in our Fun with Franchises series as we begin Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I deeldercided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Here it is, folks, the last one, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, Part I:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 - Title Card

Previously, on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

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Voldemort has the Elder Wand. Does this mean the end for Harry Potter and all of wizardkind?

Once more, dear friends, unto the breach:

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What a way to open.

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Colin:

This opening music over Hogwarts is giving me weird Hymn of the Fayth vibes. Since this is the last movie, I guess you could call it this franchise’s final…fantasy? Although it also sort of reminds me of the song that Pippin sings for that bitch ass steward in Return of the King.

Note to self: Make sure Denethor is called a “Bitch ass steward” at least once when we get around to Lord of the Rings.

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Beautiful shot.

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Colin:

Alan Rickman’s come a long way from the days when he was nothing more than a common money-Gruber.

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I’ll say it now, just to get it out of the way, but I’d have been fascinated to see what that school year was like for the kids still there. That’s why I have all these Harry Potter TV series ideas. Because you get to flesh out stuff like this. The amount of stuff you can get into with a 24-episode season and 42 minute episodes is never-ending.

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Aww…

(I thought you said no magic, Potter.)

Colin:

Wow, did he do the headstone without magic, too? Cause that’s pretty good. If you asked me to come up with a headstone for a grave on short notice, you’d get a rock with some berry juice smeared on it. Maybe two rocks. Tops.

I’d do the Tom Hanks thing in Cast Away.

Colin:

Masturbate in front of a volleyball you talk to?

Or is that part assumed?

It’d be funny if someone desecrated it. “Potter sux Owl cocks. Umbridge was here, sucka!”

But yeah, it’s assumed.

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Why not just stay there? That would be awesome.

(Unless Jude Law is inside, waiting for you. Then it would suck.)

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“It’s beautiful here.”

Colin:

“Muggles think these keep evil away. But they’re wrong.” That’s a complete throwaway line. But I love it.

I also love that the first line of this is what the last line of Half-Blood Prince is.

Lots of noticing going on.

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Oh, so this is their house…

Colin:

Bill and Fleur? Were they here already? Did Ron know they’d be here, or is this coincidental? Either way, nice to see Fleur. Ca va, baby?

Didn’t you mean, Ca va, Betty?

Colin:

Holy shit, I just realized that three of the four main characters from In Bruges are major characters in Harry Potter. That’s awesome.

I wonder which side of the Battle of Hogwarts the Vietnamese are on.

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“I need to talk to the goblin.”

I need to work that line into everything I write.

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Jesus, look at that nose. You could practically jerk that thing off.

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These shots are always my favorite – what exactly is Bill’s purpose in this? Harry’s like, “I need to talk to the goblin,” so Bill escorts him upstairs and shows him into the room and then leaves? Why wouldn’t he just be like, “All right. First door on the left, you know where it is”? No, he had to bring him to the goblin’s room and then awkwardly leave. What the fuck is that? Why couldn’t he stay? Why does he need to be bringing them? And they do it in EVERY movie! No one ever calls them out on it.

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“How are you?”

“Alive.”

Wait a while. See what happens.

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Harry’s like, “You probably don’t remember, but…” and Griphook’s like, “That I showed you to your vault the first time you came to Gringotts? Come on, buddy. Come ON, buddy. Errybody knows who Harry Potter is.”

(His voice was much higher pitched in that movie. Must be a smoker. His voice went from 70s Pacino to 90s Pacino.)

(Also because he was played by a different actor. But whatever.)

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“You buried the elf?”

I always felt like this hinted at some sort of weird racism between short people. You heard him say his name. You could use his real name.

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There’s also a nice exchange here, where Griphook asks how he got the sword, and Harry goes, “It’s complicated,” and then Harry asks why Bellatrix thought it should be in her vault at Gringotts, and Griphook goes, “It’s complicated.”

Could you imagine what Harry and Cho’s Facebooks must have looked like in the second half of Order of the Phoenix?

Colin:

You tell me where you got that teeny shirt, and I’ll tell you where I got this sword.

I wonder what wizard clothing stores look like. If goblins have their own store, or their own section, or if they just make them have to buy in the kids section, or what.

Imagine that — a five-year old goes into a dressing room with his mother, and a forty-year old goblin goes into the next one.

Comedy.

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Harry’s like, “The sword presented itself to us. We didn’t steal it.”

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And Griphook’s like, “That bitch got a fake. Got that shit down at Chinatown. Made by some Indonesian children. Only goblins could recognize it as a fake.”

(Get it? Because they’re Jews!)

Colin:

He says that only a goblin would recognize it as the true Sword of Gryffindor. Probably because it’s a goblin-made sword. But is there something that they can see that we can’t, or is it safe to assume that it’s just a familiarity with goblin craftsmanship? Cause what if a human kid was raised by goblins? Big Little Man. Or Dances with Goblins. (Harry Potter TV Series idea)

I’ll stop short of doing a remake of Elf with Will Ferrell as a goblin. Or will I?

Griphook also says it was Snape who put the fake sword in the vault.

He also says there are a few “strange” things in the vaults at Gringotts. Specifically in Bellatrix’s vault.

Colin:

So already we know that Snape is messing with Bellatrix. She’s pretty much the most evil member of Voldemort’s jolly band, so it can be assumed that Snape’s up to no good (or I guess he’s up to good?). How amazing would it have been if SHE’D been one of the ones to be good all along? I would have never seen that shit coming.

Snape’s up to no good, which I guess makes him up to good. That could be a subtitle.

But how messed up would that be if Bellatrix was like, super undercover. Like some Leo shit from The Departed. I mean, she’s clearly too crazy for that to be the case, but how awesome would that be?

THERE’S a Harry Potter TV series idea. Holy shit. Some deep undercover shit.

“Man, I been dealing with you for three months and I ain’t seen you use a wand in front of me yet…. I think you 5-0.”

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Harry needs to break into Gringotts. He can only do it with Griphook’s help. What does he want in return?

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What the fuck are you gonna do with that? It’s bigger than you.

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“Are you thinking there’s a horcrux in Bellatrix’s vault?”

“No, I just wanna rob the bitch.”

(Potter’s Eleven.)

One thing that pisses me off about this scene is how they throw in a half a line of exposition just for the idiots who don’t know. He’s like, “I’ll bet you anything there’s another horcrux in there, another piece of his soul.” That’s the kind of shit that infuriates me, since you should, if you’re watching this movie, know what the fuck a horcrux is. And if you’re gonna feel the need to explain to the idiots who don’t – find a better way to do it. I write dialogue for a living, motherfuckers. Do you know how bad and out of place a line like that sounds? That’s just amateur hour laziness, right there. At least be a little more delicate about it.

And I’m not putting it all on the writer, either. This was probably one of those moments where they were working out the scene, and the director was like, “We need to mention that it’s a piece of his soul,” so they just added that part later and went, “That’s fine,” not thinking of how horrible it sounds.

The worst part is that people are conditioned to just ignore it, which is so wrong. Don’t any of you hear shit like this and think, “Why are they condescending to me?” If you made it through seven movies before this, chances are you know what the fuck is going on. So if you’re gonna do it, at least do it artfully. It takes literally a half a line to have that not seem less hokey.

(This is one of my major pet peeves, as you can probably tell.)

Colin:

Aw, Peeves.

I always pictured Peeves as having an Amadeus laugh. I basically just picture Peeves as Mozart. Not even just similar. Just, Tom Hulce from that movie.

Seriously, though — you assume they’re gonna know N.E.W.T. but not this?

Colin:

Remember when we talked about this in the first movie, how Dumbledore and McGonagall had to say each other’s names in the first scene to set up who they were? Like that needed to happen. And as if when they were alone, Dumbledore didn’t call her “Baby Boo.”

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Time to see Ollivander.

Colin:

What’s wrong with him? Has he been Hurt in some way? Oh, tortured. That’ll do it.

He actually stared into the eyes of a giant alien crystal — that’s all.

(THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE, I WENT THERE. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE I HAVE SOME MONKEYS TO GO SWING WITH.)

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He needs him to identify a wand. (Which is my favorite thing about Ollivander. He’s the Rain Man of wands.)

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“Walnut. Dragon heartstring. Twelve and three-quarter inches. Unyielding. This belonged to Bellatrix Lestrange.”

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And this one?

I love it. I’d sit there and watch him do this for an hour. One after another. Just telling you all about the wand from looking at it, and telling you whose wand it is.

Antiques Wandshow.

Colin:

He’s really good at measuring length by sight. Not the sort of guy you wanna run into in the locker room.

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“Hawthorn. Unicorn hair. Ten inches. Reasonably pliant. This was the wand of Draco Malfoy.”

“What do you mean, was?”

(How come you didn’t ask that for Bellatrix’s wand?)

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“I sense its allegiance has changed.”

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“You talk about wands as if they have feelings.”

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“The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. That much has always been clear to those of us that have studied wandlore.”

I love that this is something you can study. I want to study wandlore.

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Anyway, they talk about the Deathly Hallows. Ollivander doesn’t know much. Harry knows more than he does.

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“He’s after you, Mr. Potter. And if he has the Elder Wand, you really don’t stand a chance.”

Colin:

Can characters please just swear? Especially old men. Ollivander should have been like, “I’m afraid…you’re fucked.”

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“Well I suppose I’ll have to kill him before he finds me, then.”

The only thing that allows that line to make sense is the horcruxes thing.

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Even Hermione’s like, “Do you listen to yourself sometimes?”

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“Who is she, Ron?”

(That’s how it starts, though, isn’t it?)

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Nah, that’s Bellatrix’s hair. Remember that weird shot during the last movie? Yeah, this is the payoff.

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I love this scene. So much. Helena Bonham Carter pretending to be Hermione pretending to be Bellatrix.

Colin:

Polyjuice is NOTHING now. They just use it on a whim. Remember how it took a whole month to brew, and now they’ve just got it chilling in the fridge anytime? It’s like there’s vending machines for it or something. Who’s making all this stuff this far in advance?

In Knockturn Alley, you can buy giantess panties in the same vending machine. It’s pretty fucked up.

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Look at Ron!

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They tell him, if he can get them past the guards and into the vault, the sword is his.

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Is this supposed to be hesitation or him figuring out his plan for later on?

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This is great. She says “Good morning” to the guy, and they’re like, “Bitch, have you met her?”

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“He’s right. I was being stupid.”

Helena Bonham Carter’s performance is one of the highlights of this franchise.

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They redesigned the place.

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Colin:

It’s great how during this scene, Ron looks like a younger, more handsome version of Tim Burton.

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“Ahem.”

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“I wish to enter my vault.”

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They need her to present her wand.

(Didn’t it used to be a key? Or was that what they used before a person had a wand? In which case, did they seriously just do that to gloss over shit? Why am I surprised? How many times has Rowling done this?)

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Fart bomb!

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Or, Imperio.

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That’s two unforgivables (or should I say, “unforgiveables”) for Harry now.

Colin:

Wait, why doesn’t she just use the wand as ID? They have it. She should just give it to them, but make them feel really shitty about it when it’s the right wand. Also, how did they know she was an impostor right off? Is she also a goblin-made sword?

Maybe she didn’t want to give up the wand because she knew they knew it wasn’t her? And they didn’t want the wand to be confiscated? No idea. Makes no sense. I’m hoping the book version makes more sense and it’s just the movie version that doesn’t because they shortened it or whatever.

(Also, “Is she also a goblin-made sword.” I didn’t notice this the first time I read it. That shit is hilarious.)

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This place looks more like it should.

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Colin:

Why would something on rails have a steering wheel? That’s not just brakes he’s holding there, he turns it several times.

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Motherfucker, this is a highly secured bank. Did you think some Polyjuice potion and a little Imperius curse could get you all the way in?

Colin:

Well that was a bullshit roller coaster.

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Boobies.

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The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Again.

What actually happened was that the “Thief’s Downfall,” as the waterfall is called, washes away all enchantments, so that nobody can break in.

Colin:

So it washes away ALL enchantments? What exactly does that mean? EVERYTHING? Wouldn’t that also include shit like the extension charm in Hermione’s bag, allowing the sword and everything else to fit inside? Nah, I guess it’s just the shit we can see. Moving on.

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I like how Imperio is commonplace now. He’s back to normal, and they’re like, “Nah, nah, Imperio. How can something so convenient be so illegal?”

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They have a dragon.

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“It’s been trained to expect pain when it hears a noise.”

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“That’s barbaric,” Hermione says.

Ron:

THAT’S wizard’s chess.

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Colin:

What did they have to do to train it like that? Is this what Bill does for a living? Rattle shit while torturing dragons?

Might as well call it SAUDI Romania.

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“Hey, hey you guys! I wanna come too!”

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The vault.

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Hood locks.

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They shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level.

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Seems like Lumos has been the most useful spell in this entire franchise.

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“Accio horcrux.” Bitch, don’t make me laugh. That’s twice now they tried to pull that shit.

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“You’re seriously not gonna try that one again, are you?”

Ha ha! Ron says it!

Colin:

This is a moment where Hermione tried something – however unlikely it was to succeed – just to cover all the bases. I’m really glad they did this for once. Ron calls her out on being stupid for attempting to make life easier for everyone. This is the guy who jumped on a chess piece and got knocked the fuck out before checking to see if he could give orders from the side of the board. 

But seriously… what were they calling? Voldemort’s soul? Does magic know what a horcrux is? Don’t you need to know what the soul is attached to before that shit can work?

What if it pulled Harry over to Hermione? What would have happened then?

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Look at this place.

Scrooge McDuck would nut in his… oh… he doesn’t wear them.

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Found it. The Cup of Helga Hufflepuff. (The good effort medal of house objects. Gryffindor has a sword, Slytherin has a ring, Ravenclaw has a tiara, and Hufflepuff gets a, “Oh, good job, you tried” cup.)

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Jesus, watch where you’re going.

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♫ I got cups, they’re muliplyin’ / And I’m losing control… 

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“Sword me.”

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It’s protected by a spell that makes everything they touch multiply.

Is this a legitimate spell, or does the stuff go back? Because that’s a great way to get compound interest on shit.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Multiplicity

Colin:

This looks to be a rather lucrative charm. Is all that shit real gold? I’d arrange a break-in on myself if it multiplied all the shit I had. What is that, the Missingno Charm?

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This is totally like the Agro Crag.

Also, it seems unlikely that you wouldn’t all be dead and trapped right now. If everything you touch multiplies, Harry is now underneath like fifty cups at once.

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GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY CUPS!

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“Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip.”

(Colin and I both made this joke and the “trash compactors” joke, I’d like to point out.)

Colin:

There’s SO much Spielberg and Lucas going around this movie.

I feel like there was consideration of Spielberg directing this movie for a minute or two as well.

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“I only said I’d get you in. I never said anything about getting you out.”

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This is the one mistake that gets people killed.

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“You mother-FUCKER!”

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Well that’s fucked up, Griphook.

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YES! Police!

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Lots of boobies in this one.

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Total Star Wars moment.

(Ron does rhyme with Han…)

(Is saying “Punch it, Cho-wie” going too far?)

Colin:

Wait a minute, two guys and one girl being fired at by bad guys. The girl steps out and blows a hole in a wall and jumps through it? Are we doing the garbage masher scene from A New Hope backwards?

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Hermione’s got an idea. A wonderful, awful idea.

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Reducto.

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“What this bitch doin’?”

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“I’m Hermione Granger, and welcome to Jackass!”

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Tally ho!

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Oh yeah, straddle that shit. Straddle it real good.

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Yes. Hide behind the pillar. I’m sure that’ll suffice.

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Smaug test.

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“Whooooooooaaaaaa-SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!”

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Oh, I love her. Look at that aim.

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Go on, man. You’re free now.

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FUCK YO CART!

(This would certainly make roller coasters more interesting.)

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Nice chandelier. I didn’t notice that the first time. I was too busy looking at the redesign of the other stuff.

Colin:

The chandelier moves a little bit, which means a dragon is coming. With all this blatant borrowing from Spielberg and Lucas, I’m surprised we didn’t see ripples in one of the goblins’ water glasses.

I’m also just now noticing that this is a different set from the first film. There were several chandeliers before and they were all covered in cobwebs. Now there’s just the one and it’s clean. I see they took my advice. 

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OH YEAH!

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Is that a Ginger Jew?

Also, I love that they have scales.

Colin:

I do love seeing this, though. The goblins are clearly neat-freaks. Nothing pleases me more than to see people who are uptight about stuff have their whole world fucked up like this. This old goblin measuring out gold on his scales, and BAM IT’S DRAGON TIME BITCHES!

(I also love the dual interpretations of “I love that they have scales.”)

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Holy shit, who does that old guy look like?

Colin:

I’m gonna say…Kirk Douglas?

Close enough. We’ll take it.

He just looks so familiar. I wanted to call him the midget version of someone, but I can’t think of who it is at the moment. Maybe like an old Ralph Bellamy.

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We’re gonna need a bigger bank.

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Colin:

Also of note – take a look at the exterior shot here. It looks like Diagon Alley (or what looks like Dickensian London) goes on as far as the eye can see. Isn’t this just on the other side of regular London? Once you’re inside, is it a huge expanse of city? They only ever really talk about the two alleys, so why don’t we see regular London around them? I get whey regular London can’t see us, but we should be able to see it.

I feel like it works just like Platform 9 ¾. Small opening, giant and magical on the other side. What I want to know is what other magical places are around there? Since we don’t necessarily see many other magical places in the city. How does that work? Is the magical world that small? It would certainly explain how they all know each other. It’s just the Ministry, Hogwarts, Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley, and then people living all out in the country and shit. We saw Snape living in a house in London. Do they just have to keep their magic hidden from muggles, is that it? They just live among them but don’t ever interact and don’t do magic when people can see? How does this work? Are there more places to go that are magical? The Magical Mall or something? A bunch of teenage wizards and witches running into the alley behind Trader Vic’s and going to the wizarding mall for the day? Calling someone’s mom to come pick them up. Going to wizard Hot Topic and shit. There have to be other places. There’s no way it’s THAT limited.

Colin:

That’s the thing — this shit is all hidden using charms and such. You go into alleys that don’t actually exist, or buildings that exist between two buildings and stuff. It’s all hidden away under or behind something else. We never see or hear of a vast expanse of shit within the city that’s ALL magic other than Diagon Alley, which is presumably why it’s the place we see everyone in the entire wizarding community every time we’re here.

Even the Ministry and stuff, that all exists underground and you have to get in via phone booths and toilets. I don’t see how this wide shot works. Even with Hogwarts, it’s enchanted so that muggles think it’s ruins and stay away. It doesn’t exist between or behind anything, breaking the laws of physics. But it’s Harry Potter, physics ain’t got shit to do with shit no how.

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From the looks of this shot — and this is me making something up to rationalize, just to make sense of it — it seems like maybe Diagon Alley is a big circular or elliptical set of houses, and maybe they’re built directly behind the muggle houses. And maybe the muggles think behind their house is a brick wall, but maybe that’s just the back of Diagon Alley. Since if you look in the shot, the houses are really close together. So maybe one’s magic and one’s muggle, and the charms protect them that way.

Just a guess.

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♫ “If you want to view paradise…” 

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Oh, wow. I thought they reused that shot with Buckbeak, where he puts a talon in the water. Guess not. Seems like this dragon would be more likely to do that than Buckbeak, who is pretty free most of the time.

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Why is it that whenever Harry is sleeping or underwater, we get this?

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Colin:

Have you ever jumped into any water with your glasses on? Cause they don’t stay on.

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So Voldie knows about the horcrux destroying.

Colin:

He’s only just finding out now? Cause later on we see that with every one that gets destroyed, he feels it. And we’ve already destroyed a few. The ring is toast, and they got the locket pretty recently. You’d think he’d have seen this coming a lot earlier.

Actually the only one he really would have felt was the locket. Since the other three were gone before he had a body again. And they didn’t show us anything after the locket (I don’t believe). Maybe that one he just figured was an acid flashback or something. All those flashbacks seem to be kind of trippy anyway.

Harry knows the next one is at Hogwarts.

(And apparently he knows that was Helena Ravenclaw. He seems mighty up on school shit for someone who barely studied.)

Colin:

I mean, the Ravenclaw tapestry or whatever should have given him a ballpark, and then I’m sure there were paintings and shit around. That’s the most probable explanation. Although, she is a ghost that he would have seen a lot. Anyway, he knows somehow.

I like that better. “Anyway, he knows somehow.” Just like with Malfoy. “I just… know.”

He just… looks like a motherfucker that would like pineapple.

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This is great. Harry’s like “We gotta go,” and Hermione’s like, “We have to plan first!” and Harry’s like, “When have any of our plans actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.”

Colin:

Though, Harry makes an awesome point here. They plan, they get there, all hell breaks loose. What’s the point of planning if the Dark Lord is gonna figure you out and mess things up? Just wing it like you did with the dice game juice. Which, now’s the time for some of that stuff again. Felix, or whatever.

You just did the thing you got up on Hermione for doing with Voldemort’s name.

Colin:

Yeah, but I ain’t got no vendetta, I think he’s a boss. Why WOULDN’T I call him the Dark Lord? Besides, I like a little variety. Just saying his name all the time gets boring. 

(Wait until you see what I did in the next couple parts, then.)

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Couldn’t you let this shot linger like twenty seconds longer?

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Ah, Tuesday.

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Love this shot.

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Colin:

Voldemort looks a little disjointed. Lots of dead people around. Lucius hasn’t even gotten a chance to shave. Gotta wonder how he does it these days. Used to be that Dobby would shave him with a straight razor out on the porch, three times a week for fifty years.

Oh, lawdy.

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Aww, too bad. This is what happens, though. Should have not been a dick.

Colin:

Griphook got what was coming to him, the bastard. And the sword disappears again. You have to wonder if it has a personality and would be pissed that Harry gave it to a goblin. Isn’t he gonna need it again for killing horcruxes?

I feel like this statement is usually funny, regardless of what the name at the beginning is.

Try it as a mad lib:

“(Name) got what was coming to him, the bastard.”

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What kind of Grand Theft Auto shit is that?

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Hogsmeade.

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Colin:

When that alarm sounded, I’m almost positive I wasn’t the only one to think of this.

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They know.

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“In here, Potter.”

And you trust this guy, because…?

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Seriously, guys. This guy could be a Death Eater. Wouldn’t that be a smart thing to do? “In here, Potter.” Then he comes in – BAM – right in the fucking head like Joe Pesci in the elk lodge.

Why would you automatically listen to this guy at all? He could be a murderer. He could be a rapist. He could be a murderer AND a rapist. He could be a murderer rapist – a rapist who only rapes murderers. And at this point none of you really have clean hands in that matter.

Ain’t you motherfuckers seen Misery?

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And he’s been watching them. I repeat my previous statement.

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“You fucking mo-rons. Why would you come here?”

It’s Aberforth. Aberforth DUMBLEDORE. You know that new information you’ve been looking for? Well listen to THIS!

(Also, Ciaran Hinds is awesome.)

He’s been watching Harry. He sent Dobby.

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“Dobby’s dead.”

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“Sorry to hear it. I liked that elf.”

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Mundungus Fletcher gave him the mirror. It was Sirius’s. He knew Harry would be pissed if he found out he had it, but where would Harry be if he didn’t have it?

Dead. The answer is dead.

Colin:

So the mirror is finally explained. I’m glad.

Yeah, but that’s no excuse for the amount of times they’ve shown it without addressing it in these movies. You have to address it from the other side too. Dude’s literally looking at a piece of glass for a movie plus and it’s never brought up by anyone. We don’t even know where he got the shard from. (Anyone? Bueller?) Complete dumb thing to never explain. All right, fine, don’t want to explain N.E.W.T.s because we don’t get heavy into academics, fine. But this is a major plot point that we see for more screen time than Ginny, so maybe throw a line or two its way.

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Aberforth says the Order is finished, and that Voldemort has won. He also says they’re on a suicide missions and all of that. You know the drill. He doesn’t trust his brother because of all that past shit no one ever brought up in the movies.

I also like how he gave them sandwiches.

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He wonders why Harry is still believing in Dumbledore despite all the shit he never told him and kept from him.

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Harry says, “I trusted the man I knew.”

Colin:

It’s interesting that they keep calling him “Dumbledore” to his brother, who is also a Dumbledore. Wouldn’t they just say “your brother”?

Also, as seemingly minor as Aberforth was in the grand scheme of the franchise, I really love this character. He tells it like it is. He just broke Harry down in like ten seconds.

My questions is how come we never met him before. Sure, the inn has a seedy reputation and no one goes there, but you had your first Dumbledore’s Army meeting in there. And this dude’s the owner. Was he just not around during any of this? There’s a character in that movie, but it’s certainly not Aberforth. (He goes off to fuck a sheep, too. Remember that?) It’s weird that their paths have never crossed, ever, given how small this universe is and the fact that he apparently looks just like Dumbledore.

I also love that he and Dumbledore would have meetings and talk to one another. I’d have loved to see how those went.

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“You know what to do.”

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Wait, what?

Colin:

Once again, we have someone talk to a person in a painting, who acknowledges that they’ve been listening in on the whole thing and can come and go as they please. Why don’t they ever speak? The Fat Lady spoke, and that was a painting of someone who’s now dead. They seem to retain personality and can keep up with new developments in what’s going on. I wish these things were explained in detail.

Isn’t that just it, though? The paintings retain personality and can talk and come and go as they please. I know they said that Snape consulted Dumbledore’s portrait a bunch when he was headmaster. And one of the former headmasters is directly responsible for Arthur Weasley not being dead. I think my only question is what their range is of where they can go. It seems like they can go between paintings as they wish. Which, given what we’re about to see in a second, leads to a whole bunch of other questions, namely — so does that mean there’s a whole other painting network people can use to travel between places? That’s probably a more important thing to explain.

Colin:

I have those questions, but mostly I have questions about the personality retention and how sentient they all are. Cause we’ve seen on SEVERAL occasions (the portrait of Fudge watching Harry trying to use Umbridge’s fireplace and doing nothing, for instance, even though it was pointed DIRECTLY at the fireplace and had a full line of sight) where they don’t appear do be doing much more than smiling when they — or their real selves — would probably be interested in what was going on right there. With the Fudge portrait, she then puts it face down on the desk when she’s gonna do illegal shit, which implies that she doesn’t want his portrait to see what’s going on, but he didn’t do shit before! What the fuck is that?

I’d love to see paintings argue from across the room.

“Fuck you, Maximus!”

“Oh yeah?”

And then one gets up and goes into the other’s painting and beats the shit out of him.

(Harry Potter TV series idea.)

(Also — that scene, but with the people in the Coming to America barbershop.)

Colin:

I think what would be an even bigger thing is that if they are indeed carbon copies of their real selves and they can all talk:

1. Why don’t they all talk? Some of them just nod and shit, even though they’re people we would want to hear from.

(They probably did that because we never met Ariana. And most of the paintings don’t really talk unless they’re outside the common rooms and a password is required. Not in the movies, anyway. So that makes some sense.)

Colin:

2. Wouldn’t it be prudent to just keep a 2×2 inch snapshot of Dumbledore (or anyone you wanted to consult, ever) in your pocket? Cause if they’re not around, asking a portrait what the hell was up would be a hell of a lot faster than sending an owl. Or maybe they’re dead and there’s no way to talk with the actual person, but a portrait will do instead, so why wouldn’t you do that? We see characters wondering about the motives and intentions of people they can’t talk to, but I’m pretty sure Harry could come up with a picture of Dumbledore nearly anywhere (they have his biography, he’s been in the Daily Prophet probably hundreds of times, he’s got paintings up, etc) to ask for advice. What gives?

I feel like the pictures don’t talk. The pictures just move. Which is also why I didn’t think the Fudge picture could actually see them. That’s why I liked the line so much, that she was just doing it because she treated it almost as real. Like when you turn away all the pictures you have in your office before you masturbate because it’s almost like they can see you (Have I gone too far?). I just thought photos moved and portraits did have the ability to talk. And I think them talking is personality retention and probably a lot like what happens in the train station later. It’s mostly a one-sided conversation but feels like a regular one because the person is kind of there.

But yeah, that part is weird. I do want to know more about that. How much of the portrait is actually them.

Colin:

3. If — like Dumbledore’s portrait that talks to Snape, or this portrait of Ariana that can at least follow what’s going on and react to the people outside the portait — so many of these pictures live in real time, why do so many others appear trapped in a single moment? Remember Sirius Black’s handbill? Even when Harry looked at it, it kept screaming at him and looking like a crazy person, even though you’d think that a sentient picture of Sirius would want to appear calm and warm toward Harry. The only conclusion is that these pictures all live by separate sets of rules, and most of the time those rules are fitted to meet the needs of a plot device or an aesthetic choice. 

Again, I think only the portraits seem to do it, because the pictures are a moment in time and the portraits are almost the people as they were. Somehow that’s one of those things I always just sort of bought without an issue. Portraits, yes, everything else — no.

Colin:

So…could I just do a shitty painting of Dumbledore? It seems like there could be multiple different portraits and they could all talk, right? So this feels like a horcrux thing, where someone could enchant a painting to make it sentient, like the Fat Lady. So is that something only you could do? Is that something that anyone could do? Is it like Polyjuice, where you’d need something of that person to bring it to life? Or could I just paint a shitty Dumbledore and use Portrait Personificum to make him alive?

If you painted a shitty picture of Dumbledore, there’s no way it wouldn’t turn out to be mildly retarded.

Colin:

Is there a limit on how tiny he could be, so I could paint it and put it in my pocket?

Or maybe it would be him with a stroke face, half his lip lopsided, talking half-deaf, half-Downsy.

Also, I’d love to see a tiny Dumbledore painting end up with a really high-pitched voice.

Colin:

They go to each other’s paintings and the size of their paintings seem to have no bearing on that, so one could assume that the size of the painting itself has no bearing on things. The other thing is the accuracy. Since art is subjective, the accuracy of a portrait can’t really be judged — so theoretically, Picasso could do a portrait of Dumbledore and as long as the proper enchantment was in place or his intention was understood, you’d be able to talk to Picasso Dumbledore? You see how there are lots of questions here that just aren’t answered?

I think maybe that’s what it comes down to — it’s not so much the person but rather how the artist saw the person. So the artist is putting the characteristics into the painting, so anyone we see with three-dimensional characteristics doesn’t end up talking because the painting could never approximate that level of character depth.

Colin:

And there are SO many paintings here that could be helping in so many ways, that the fact that some of them DON’T talk is questionable. I’m the sort of person who’s always trying to think about what latent resources are available. Why aren’t they taking full advantage of portraits? Why aren’t they brewing Felix Felicis around the clock? Shit like this.

At least use the paintings as scouts. “Spiders on the third floor corridor. Giants in the east wing.” They can tell you where people are so you can go defend. There are so many underutilized resources here it’s incredible.

Not to mention the fact that they’re all fighting in this tiny ass space, for the most part. No strategy at all. I get that from the Voldemort end, but not from Hogwarts. It’s pretty ridiculous how little strategy is devised for this battle. Also — no centaurs — or giants. Remember when Dumbledore went to parlay with the giants? Where are all the backups? This is such a confusing battle on so many levels. It’s probably better that we only see brief glimpses of it, because it’s probably a giant clusterfuck.

Also, how come none of the paintings work for Voldemort? It’s not like they have any stake in this, one way or another. If Voldemort had a portrait working for him, that’s an easy in to the castle.

Very poorly devised plan.

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She’s got someone with her.

(Do the paintings fuck? I’d really like to see if the paintings fucked.)

Colin:

You know that oil paintings don’t fuck water colors.

(… Harry Potter TV series idea.)

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“In 1966, Neville Longbottom escaped from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”

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The other secret passages were sealed off before the start of the year. This is the only way in or out.

I should start saying this about my girlfriend.

Colin:

So they acknowledge that this wasn’t on the Marauder’s Map and that it’s new. I’m cool with this. This is all it takes to explain things smoothly and answer questions. Although it’s also suggesting that Arianna went to Hogwarts and talked to someone. So much for talking to US.

I just realized there’s no more one-eyed witch passageway :(

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I love this – Neville says their Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson today was practicing the Cruciatus curse on first years. That’s awesome.

Colin:

Neville’s more of a BAMF now. Which isn’t saying much by earlier standards, but he’s getting there.

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What is this, the Lost Boys?

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Always with the clapping.

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Look at this fucking set up. It’s like Home Alone. Just saw off some of the rungs of that ladder — why the fuck would you do that? You’re in the Room of Requirement anyway, shouldn’t you require an easier way to get into and out of the castle?

Also, they did a real poor job of policing this school if they couldn’t find the people that have been living in here for the past whatever months.

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“We have a new weather report. Lightning has struck.”

Nice code. Subtle.

Also, where’s Lee Jordan? Dude was announcing Quidditch Games as a first year. Why isn’t he on this radio? Isn’t he the main guy on it in the books? Why would you cut him out?

Racists…

Also, the whole Potterwatch thing — fascinating, and completely undeveloped and ignored in the movies.

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Oh shit, it’s Cho.

Colin:

She graduated a year ago! What the hell is this? 

I’m pretty sure she wasn’t there in the books. (Was she?) This was sloppy on the part of the filmmakers.

Or they just were like, “Fuck it, we’ll make her their year too.” Since in no part of the movies do they explain how old she is. Plus also she is apparently here for this at some point in the books, and given the consolidation, I bet they just did the, “Well fuck it — she’s here and people will just think she’s their year” thing. Because honestly, you saw me in the fifth movie — I assumed Luna was a first year. They don’t explain shit like that at all after Chamber of Secrets.

Harry explains they need to find something that has to do with Ravenclaw.

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Luna knows all about that shit.

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“The lost diadem of Ravenclaw? Hasn’t anyone heard of this?”

I love how after she says it, you hear Ron’s whisper, “Here we go again…”

It’s not exactly Babbity Rabbity, you fuck.

Colin:

Where does one get a diadem? Diadem Alley, of course!

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Cho’s like, “Yeah, but that shit’s lost.”

I like the assumption that people know the history of their own houses. Either that or the author just decided to give these people knowledge in order to move the plot along…

The world may never know.

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“Harry.”

Colin:

Hey, look. It’s Ginny, the love of Harry’s life. Remember? She exists.

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All right, clear out everyone. It’s about to get loud.

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This is great. Ron’s like, “She hasn’t seen me for six months either and she doesn’t even fucking look at me. And I’m her fucking brother.”

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“She has lots of those, though. But only one Harry.”

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“Shut the fuck up, Seamus.”

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Snape knows.

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So… no sex?

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♫ “We don’t need no education…” 

Colin:

Why not have them goose step? 

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“Yo, yo, yo, yo – My name is Snape, I run this shit. You better believe it, I’m the Half-Blood… Prince. Wi-wi-wicki-wicki-wicki…”

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Is that the Joker back there?

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Holy shit, though – that’s the Joker!

Wanna know how Harry got that scar?

This school deserves a better class of teacher.

He likes this job. He likes it.

Wanna see some magic?

Okay, one more, one more…

They’re gonna kill the Bagman.

(And all that without the one obvious joke to be made. I’m proud of that.)

Colin:

You made six jokes. (Six!)

Also, that’s the Carrow sister. Joker’s a woman.

The movie don’t tell us that. I’m going by what I see. I know she’s a woman, but I see a Joker. I Alecto’d to ignore that piece of information.

(OH DON’T YOU GROAN AT ME. THAT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL.)

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Maggie!

Anyway, Snape says if anyone – students or staff – tries to help Harry, they’re gonna get fucked up. Fingernails pulled out and shit.

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What up, Slughorn?

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He also says anyone who is found to know about this, despite not having helped, will be found e-qually guilty.

Which is a great moment, because you can hear the tension in his voice. He doesn’t want to be saying this.

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I think we can appropriately call this place the Great Hall of China right now.

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“Now then – if anyone has any knowledge of Mr. Potter’s whereabouts this evening, I invite them to step forward.”

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I love how they cut to Cho. Motherfucker, were you paying any attention for the last two years?

Also, fuck Cho – who’s that Chinese immigrant chick on the end there? That’s the kind of woman who looks like she was welding machinery since she was six.

Colin:

You know he’s only saying that because of the hat. Look like her name Patty. Rice Patty.

She’s totally the chick that has to clean the toilets. You walk in there, she’s elbow deep in a shit-filled toilet. Then you randomly walk in on her in the break room, she’s got a cigarette hanging from her lips and is chopping the head off a duck.

Colin:

Just like Lana Turner.

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“It seems despite your exhaustive defensive strategies, you still have a bit of a security problem, headmaster.”

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Christmas card.

Colin:

KINGSLEY MOTHERFUCKING SHACKLEBOLT, RUNNING HIS SHIT!

Why is the black guy front and center? What kind of Operation Human Shield situation is this?

Also, why did Harry call Snape headmaster?

If you don’t agree with him having the position, why would you address him by it?

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“How dare you stand where he stood.”

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“Tell them how it happened that night.”

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“Tell them how you looked him in the eye – a man who TRUSTED YOU – and killed him!”

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Or… do that.

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Oh shit! Maggie’s ready to throw down!

Colin:

Maggie Smith takes the crown of the second baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts, having previously been third.

(She was always second. Kingsley was never at Hogwarts. Oh, wait… you count the ghosts that run around on horses holding severed heads. I forgot.)

Colin:

Nah, I was talking about Michael Gambon — note that I make the distinction there. After seeing him unleash the fire and zap the Inferi underwater, I give Gambon more credit than I did. Also, if we’re talking books, there’s really no arguing with his exit in Order of the Phoenix.

But yes, also those ghosts.

I put him third behind Maggie. You can’t be a badass when you’re such an underhanded dick as he is. True badasses aren’t shifty that much. They can do shifty things, but it’s usually in order to be a badass.

In terms of all-franchise badasses, Dumbledore might not even be top five for me. Flitwick, Maggie, Hermione, Kingsley, and one other person I’m probably not thinking of right now.

I was gonna say Luna, but she doesn’t get many chances to be a badass. She’s just awesome.

Moody’s kind of a badass. I’d probably rank him over Dumbledore.

(Note: As I was typing that, I accidentally typed “Dumblecore,” and just got an entire new idea for a film movement.)

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“Try it, bitch.”

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Look at Lupin, hiding behind Kingsley.

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Oh she fucking means business, Snape.

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Don’t you fuck with Dame Maggie.

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YES! Shoot that fuck!

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This is pretty great. How he takes them out while making it seem like he’s just defending himself.

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And there goes Snape.

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NOW you can clap. Because that was some badass shit right there.

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“Wow. I’m sexually aroused right now, Minerva.”

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Oh, no. It’s scar time again.

Colin:

“Oh no, everyone’s paying attention to HER! CUE COLLAPSE!”

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Wait, so are those two dead? That’s awesome! Maggie’s got a body count already! Shit ain’t even went down yet.

Colin:

I didn’t even notice that when I was watching. Snape killed them and made it look like an accident. He covered his bases. I’m liking it a lot.

Snape also makes my list of badasses on pure accomplishments alone. That’s six people ahead of Dumbledore on my list.

And we haven’t even gotten into Voldemort yet…

Colin:

Apparently the Carrows are only stunned, because Snape wasn’t using any killing curses. They get tied up and put in a tower during the battle.

Yeah, but it wasn’t Snape’s curses that they were hit with. Whatever Maggie was throwing, that shit had the power to kill. Molly Weasley doesn’t use a killing curse on Bellatrix, she just gets hit directly with it. These two get hit the same way — no time to block. I’m sure Rowling did have them stunned, but it would be so much better for all involved if they ended up dead from this.

Kind of like with Dobby. I want Dobby to have a body count. I know Maggie’s gonna have a body count, but I want Snape to get the assist without seeming to. That’s badass.

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People be screaming.

Colin:

Stop fucking screaming. What is this, Voldemort’s equivalent of a “Breaker One-nine?”

(I can’t not.)

Colin:

It’s kinda like those cases of schools where one girl starts having nervous tics and seizures and shit, and by the third week, there’s like sixteen of them of them doing it. There’s no explanation for how or why this happens, but the best theory out there is that these silly children are jealous of each other getting attention, so they want to be a part of the disease and then conversion disorder makes it real.

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Voldemort tells them that if they give him Harry then he’ll leave Hogwarts alone.

They have one hour.

Colin:

I prefer ‘galactic standard week.’

Also, quick question – why does he whisper in these messages? I know it sounds creepy, but can you imagine him on the other end? He’d say all this while crouching down, with all the Death Eaters listening, and then he’d stand up, clear his throat and say, “So….where were we?” Silliness.

Imagine Voldemort calling someone personally… “Go to the end of the hall, stay as low as you can.”

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Colin:

Look! It’s the really black kid!

Where? It’s too dark, I can’t see him.

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“What are you waiting for? Someone grab him!”

Is that Katie Bell? What the fuck happened to her? Went from being a chaser to being cut (out of nowhere) to being cursed to being a cunt.

Oh, wait, that’s Pansy Parkinson. Right. Draco’s piece. Trophy.

Colin:

I read the beginning of that where you thought she was Katie, and I was so excited to be like, “No! It’s TROPHY!”

Not gonna lie, I actually had no idea who Pansy Parkinson was until a couple moments from now. I didn’t know who she was when she showed up in Half-Blood Prince, and I didn’t know who she was here until Maggie said her name out loud. And since we saw Katie Bell in the last movie, and she looks a little bit like that (white women all look the same to me), I just assumed it was her.

And aliteration. I totally kept it because of the aliteration.

Colin:

Trophy wants to give him up. Cause she’s all about giving it up.

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Yeah, I wouldn’t fuck with those two. One’s a sharpshooter and the other will blow you the fuck up.

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I also love how the two chicks that move to help him after the first two are Cho and Parvati, the two chicks he almost banged (or at least, had a chance to) for a good minute.

Colin:

I would have been good with either of them. Cho, you make me sad. Ginny ain’t shit, it’s not too late.

Cho no :(

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Colin: 

“No! We’re friends, so we stand in a group, and we don’t pick you in gym class!” I hate this bullshit. Instead of all circling around Harry, how about you stay where you are and just call her a bitch?

What if they all circled round him and knocked him out?

Then he wakes up in a seedy motel bathroom in a tub of ice and an incision where his kidney used to be.

Colin:

Just like Lana Turner.

What if when Pansy said that Harry just Stupefy’d her?

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“Students out of bed! Students in the corridor!”

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“They are supposed to be out of bed, you blithering idiot!”

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“Oh… sorry Mom.”

Colin:

Wow, Filch sounds horrible. Repeat after me: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

Squibmalion.

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Maggie tells Filch to take her and the rest of the Slytherins and throw them the fuck out of there.

Colin:

Way to say Slytherin like an asshole, Maggie Smith. This time I meant it.

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“And exactly where is it I’ll be leading them to, Mom?”

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“The dungeons would do.”

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Really? They’re clapping? Do people really hate Slytherin that much?

Wow. They’re like the Yankees.

But seriously – they said in book 1 that there wasn’t a bad witch or wizard who wasn’t in Slytherin. You mean to tell me… not one member of the other houses went on Voldemort’s side? You’re telling me Slytherin is the only house that’s pro-Voldemort? Just their parents are the ones who are Death Eaters? What if there are some Slytherins who aren’t pro-Voldemort? They just have to go to the dungeon too? What if they were previously undecided? Remember when Lincoln didn’t make slavery illegal at the beginning of the war so as not to push Kentucky and Missouri to the Southern side? McGonagall literally just told them all to go fuck themselves. Which way you think they’re gonna side now?

Colin:

Yeah, this was another example of Rowling being cool with fascism, basically. This is guilty til proven innocent. So yeah, Hogwarts is like just this side of a Turkish prison. We’re supposed to be cheering this, too. I was initially all, “Ha ha!” but when I stopped to think for just one second, I had a problem with it. This is just like the internment camps for Japanese-Americans during WWII.

As to your query about non-Slytherins supporting Voldemort — Peter Pettigrew, Gryffindor.

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“I assume you have a reason for returning, Potter. What is it you need?”

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“Time. As much as you can give me.”

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“Motherfucker please. I’m McGonagall.”

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“How dare you doubt me.”

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“Potter –”

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“It’s good to see you.”

And that’s where we’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tune in tomorrow for Part II, when the battle begins.

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One response

  1. phoebe

    omg…

    February 23, 2014 at 9:37 am

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