Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011), Part II — “Isn’t It Weird That the Elder Wand Has Knuckles?”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series — Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Part II.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, Part II.
We begin Part II as everyone prepares for war.
The paintings are in on it too?
Or are they just breaking out?
Ron and Hermione were thinking – it doesn’t matter if they find the horcrux, they need to be able to destroy it. So they were thinking…
“Well, Ron was thinking, it was Ron’s idea, it was completely brilliant…”
Jesus, you two. Get a room of requirement already.
Colin:
Who cares whose idea it was? Stop sucking Ron’s dick.
Really, though. It’s a ginger dick.
Just — eww.
They’re gonna go get a basilisk fang.
I bet there are some wizard dildos shaped like that.
(Right, Emily?)
Harry gives them the Marauder’s Map so they can find him when they get back.
One thing I like about franchises, especially this one, is how, in certain circumstances, they introduce something the first time and it’s a big deal, but by the end it’s just a commonplace thing you use. The invisibility cloak (which it turns out is a huge fucking deal), the Marauder’s Map – they used to have their own scenes when they were used. Now it’s like, “Take the map,” and it’s just an aside. I like that. I like that feeling like we’ve gone somewhere during all the time we spent here. We’ve grown and learned more, so the shit that was a big deal when we were eleven is like, “Oh, yeah, that.”
Of course, this works both ways. Colin and I have taken some issue with similar things. But you know – sometimes the magic works, sometimes it doesn’t.
By the way… where the fuck is the invisibility cloak?
He’s going to the Ravenclaw common room.
But Luna’s got something to say. And then she ain’t gonna say no more.
(It’s like a compulsion to finish that phrase with the rest of the line. It really is.)
Colin:
It’s been quite a while now that everyone’s been prepping – why are they all still running up and down the stairs? I’d have found my spot and be holding it down. Like, I’d find a remote classroom to hide in the back of. And then I’d pull a combination of Splinter Cell and Home Alone shit, putting broken glass and marbles on the floor so I hear them come in just before they slip and fall. Defense.
You know what’d be REALLY effective? How about having a full-grown mandrake on hand and giving out earmuffs to students? You know who doesn’t wear earmuffs? Death Eaters.
The strategy here that’s not taken is quite incredible.
Send a dude up to the Dark Tower or the owlery as a sniper. Take some fucking Felix Felicis, for christ’s sake!
Then again, it’s not like they’ve had any consistent teaching in this area, so it stands to reason that they don’t know how to defend against the dark arts.
(You think anyone has a degree in the dark fine arts?)
Colin:
It’s a castle, too. It seems like everything about this place is medieval except its defenses. Ain’t got any boiling oil? Can’t you Wingardium Leviosa some shit down on them? Even if this wouldn’t stop the Death Eaters, it might slow down some giants. Even if they’re super strong and have magical resistances, you’re talking about a physical being that lives in a world based on rules. It will never be as strong or as fast as they are. Stop trying to hit them and hit them.
That is true — why aren’t there spells that throw boiling oil on a motherfucker? Also, why aren’t people breaking out right now? Take the fucking passageway to Hogsmeade. You’re making it like this is the one war to end all wars. No it’s not. This isn’t Sauron. This is literally Voldemort taking over this tiny ass area of London right now. He only wants Harry anyway. He literally does not give a fuck about any of you.
But back to the original point… what the fuck are people doing, running around? Are they trying to load their shit into cars? Are they trying to get on brooms and break out? This happens in every panic scene, and it leads me to believe it’s just to give off the idea of panic. This is one of those things I need to remember, since it seems like it’s one of those stupid things that movies do just because. One of those things nobody thinks about.
“So let me get this straight – you’re actually giving us permission to do this?”
“That is correct, Longbottom.”
“To blow it up? Boom?”
“Boom!”
I love Maggie.
Colin:
Maggie Smith saying “boom” made this whole franchise worthwhile.
Ladies and gentlemen — the internet:
“How the fuck are we supposed to do that?”
“Why don’t you confer with Mr. Finnegan? As I recall, he has a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics.”
Colin:
YES! The running gag about Seamus blowing shit up constantly has finally been put to good use! He gets to be the Don Cheadle.
(By the way — one of my favorite moments in cinema. Ever. That’s so badass to me.)
Also, look at Filius Flitwick (baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts). He knows.
I heard Flitwick once rubbed his balls on Voldemort’s forehead while he was sleeping and Voldemort didn’t do anything about it.
“I can bring it down.”
“That’s the spirit, now. On you go.”
Flitwick’s like, “You know this is only a temporary fix, right? He’ll get in. You-Know-Who will get in.”
“His name is Robert Paulson Voldemort! You might as well use it. He’s going to try to kill you either way.”
Colin:
Thank you for finally voicing this point, Maggie. Use the guy’s name, people.
Maggie needs some protection.
Tally ho!
That’ll work.
“You must protect this house!”
“I’ve always wanted to use that spell!”
Maggie.
Colin:
Mrs. Weasley’s like, “THAT WAS A THING?” And rightly so. That’s one of the most badass things we’ve seen at Hogwarts yet.
Maggie says she’s always wanted to use that spell…us too. But that means she hasn’t used it, and it was on some teacher’s manual that she got when she first became a professor. “So that’s where all the fire escapes are. Next, the spell to summon a host of stone golems to protect the school in the event of invasion.”
That was always one of the things I loved. Because presumably there are these kinds of spells. Just like how we’re all waiting for that one day we get to legally pull a fire alarm (which I totally got to do), or use a fire extinguisher. It’s very exciting when there’s this awesome sounding thing you can’t use unless there’s an emergency or something. So when there is an emergency, finally, it’s like, “YES!”
I want to expand on this shit. That’s why I want to do the TV series. Because you get to think about this stuff. What’s on the emergency pamphlet of shit you can use? What are those spells that exist that have use in only like one or two situations?
Time to work your shit, Filius Flitwick.
This is a man that can literally charm the pants off of any woman.
This looks like he’s just lobbing mortars out at them.
Oh, they’re all casting Protego Maximas.
Colin:
Three people firing off Protego Maxima, and only one of them makes it look fucking badass. Do I even have to say which one I’m talking about?
(Hint: he’s gonna fight in the battle and conduct choir practice at the same time.)
Hey, you two – how bout you fucking help too?
Shit be protected.
Colin:
Wait…wait. Right?
Luna needs a word.
She says he won’t find what he’s looking for up there. He ain’t got time for this shit.
“Harry Potter! You listen to me right now!”
YES! Luna!
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
“No one alive’s seen this thing for hundreds of years.”
“Don’t you get it? We have to talk to someone who’s dead.”
Colin:
Note how something Cho said is the basis for Luna’s line of reasoning here. Cause that makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe there IS someone alive who’s seen it. Voldie’s seen it, so there’s already at least one. I think she should have told Harry to talk to Helena Ravenclaw on the grounds that she’s smart and he’s a moronic Gryffindor. Sure, they’re brave, but if Hermione wasn’t there to raise the house GPA…
How do the grades work at this place? Presumably you can’t get “Exceeds Expectations” on a paper.
Light bulb. (Literally.)
“It’s very impressive, isn’t it?”
“Goddamn right, it is.”
Colin:
Wait…wait. Right?
The Battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The Battle for Middle Earth is just begun.
They’re going to talk to the Gray Lady.
What up, Kelly MacDonald?
She’s Helena Ravenclaw. Rowena’s daughter.
(Ain’t got time to haunt your own house so you have your child do it for you?)
(Man, this is like Christianity.)
He’s friends with Luna, so she’ll speak to him. (Of course Luna would be friends with a ghost.)
She says she can’t help.
Just like Voldemort.
(Also does this count as ghost sex?)
Here’s what Colin had to say about the same shot:
Colin:
When ghosts fly through your chest, is that like their version of a ‘fuck you?’”
It’s probably both.
“Wait, you’re not gonna help me, after what we just shared?”
“I love you!”
(There’s the panty dropper.)
“At my signal, unleash hell.”
“They never learn. Such a pity.”
I feel like that might be the tagline for this entire franchise.
Ooh, Pink Floyd show!
Colin:
For your consideration: the Jericho.
I guess they’re gonna fight in the shade.
I wonder what Jet Li’s doing right now.
“Look, baby. These fireworks are all for you.”
Goddamn, Helena. Calm yo tits.
Colin:
I don’t like her. Why you gotta be all evil-ghosty? I wonder if she and the Bloody Baron still talk.
Harry Potter TV series idea: That conversation.
(And if you guys don’t know why that conversation would be so interesting, google “Bloody Baron” and find out.)
Harry says he can destroy the diadem only if she tells him where Voldie hid it.
She says it’s in the castle, “In the place where everything is hidden.”
That would be both nowhere and counterintuitive at the same time. Great job.
Colin:
She didn’t even need to give him the riddle, did she? The place where everything is hidden? This place comes up left and right for just about everything.
OUTTA MY WAY BLACKIE!
(He doesn’t have a good relationship with the blacks.)
Why do they have Dean with them?
Colin:
I love the idea that Dean Thomas is like Kingsley Shacklebolt’s protégé. Although, I don’t think he’s supposed to be here. He wasn’t at school that year because it was suspected he was of muggle birth. Remember how Rowling made him a half-blood whose [black] father skipped out on them and then got killed? Racism.
I thought Kingsley was just teaching him how to play the blues.
“Tell Professor McGonagall Remus and I will handle this side of the castle.”
That’s awesome. “Us two – we got the whole side.” And he says it with that tone of – “We got this shit.”
Oh, but then he tells Dean they might need a few more wands. That would have been awesome if he stuck by his “we got this shit” guns.
Lupin says some bullshit about how it’s the amount of conviction you have and not the number of followers that dictates success. Which is totally true, for the most part, it’s just – why would you randomly say that? Because you needed to get a line in?
Colin:
Saying some weird, poetic shit and then it turns out you’re quoting yourself. Little Patton for you.
The way he does it is kind of dickish. Why would you ask who said that? It’s just one of those things someone says and you go, “Yeah, all right.” This reeks of “dialogue.”
Aww… one of them’s gonna be dead soon.
Colin:
These are the only twins I like. Every other set of twins – especially identical twins – creeps me out. Somebody needs to separate them all.
(For anyone who didn’t click on the link yet — I don’t blame you. You have no idea where that’s going, but you can guess. And you’re right.)
Ron be speaking that hassa hassa shit now.
Colin:
That ACTUALLY started with “hassa.”
“Oh, that’s right, I can do parseltongue too. I’ll show you later.”
He actually says, “Harry talks in his sleep. Have you noticed?” And she’s like, “No, of course not.”
(Thanks for reminding us too, assholes.)
Colin:
I will accept that Harry talks in his sleep. He’s fucked up to begin with. What I’m a little confused about is how Ron was able to distinguish which hassa hassa word meant “friend,” and why Harry was saying that in his sleep at all. Does he have snake dreams? Do we want to know what a snake dream entails?*
*Not kidding, in college I had to read a 12th century Japanese story called, “How a Snake Who Sees the Penis of a Napping Monk Dies after Receiving and Swallowing Semen.” No matter what I do, that will always be something that contributed to earning my undergraduate degree. Japan: Disgusting for Over 1000 Years!
Well there goes that autobiography title!
Also, what does a snake dream entail?
And that is a point — how does he get the exact wording of parseltongue correctly? How did Harry manage to say the exact Chamber of Secrets password in his sleep and how did Ron know that’s what it was and differentiate it from all the other hassa hassas Harry said in his sleep and memorize it?
Wouldn’t he have memorized it better when he was fucking THERE when Harry opened it last time?
Also, have they just not opened this thing since their second year? Didn’t plug it up or nothing? Just left it there for people to open? You could probably get a good stickball game down there.
Not the Quidditch pitch!
Well that’s not good.
There must be some crazy sales going on today.
“Whoa, shit!”
Colin:
This guy has a pretty awesome Gangs of New York outfit going on.
“That’s right. DO SOMETHING!”
Colin:
People can’t act badass in a Cosby sweater.
Great framing.
I like how they all make each other destroy horcruxes. Harry destroyed one, and then with the second, is like, “Here Ron, you do it.” And now Ron’s destroyed one and is like, “Here, Hermione, you do it.”
That means the final tally of who destroys horcruxes is – Harry does 2, Dumbledore does 1, Ron does 1, Hermione does 1, Crabbe/Goyle does 1 (depending on if it’s the book or the film – more on that later), Neville does 1 and Voldemort does 1.
Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
Look at Ron. “Goddamn, that’s a lot of water.”
Colin:
They just got Ramses’ed.
“Wanna make out?”
“Yes!”
It had to be this way. They never address SPEW once in the movies. (Assholes.)
“I can stay down here too, if you like.”
Well, we know how he ejaculates.
(Also, fun thing to do – go back up to Hermione destroying the horcrux and just scroll through the photos. The cuts to Voldemort make it hilarious.)
Aww… they’re gonna die too.
And that’s the final time we see them, I think.
(What happened to Kingsley?)
Dude came so hard he cracked the Elder Wand.
Colin:
I feel like we’ve been pussyfooting around this for a while now, but isn’t it weird how the Elder Wand has knuckles?
This might be the best image in the film.
Colin:
Gosh, maybe you should’ve just unleashed that power in the first place. Doesn’t feel like you’re taking this all that seriously, Tommy.
Yeah, you’ve kinda fucked, Neville.
Colin:
This looks like a fucking Capital One commercial.
How the fuck did they string dynamite on that bridge so quickly? That’s a pretty fucking steep incline to be traversing over the span of like, twenty minutes. Why couldn’t we see that scene? With Seamus stringing up the explosives?
Bye, bridge.
Hard to tell who’s more turned on right now, and for what reason.
Nah, son, Neville ain’t dead. He got a snake to kill.
Colin:
And…Neville climbs back up, just like Harrison Ford in The Last Crusade. This is pretty blatant.
“That went well.”
Why wouldn’t you just put up more protections spells?
Colin:
Right? Can’t you just replenish the charm as it gets worn down? Can you make layers? It doesn’t seem like there’s a limit to their magic ability. Obviously this happens in video games, cause they need to keep you from having UNLIMITED POWER, but in the films it seems like you can do just about whatever you want and not get fatigued. Why would you not just put up more? I guess they already broke this one, but it would take THREE PEOPLE another TEN WHOLE SECONDS and NO ENERGY to do it again.
Of course they have a troll.
Most dangerous motherfucker in the group right there.
I heard he once did ten shots of snake venom, and had to stop because the snake died.
Helm’s Deep. Not even gonna mention it again. You all know it.
He’s the orc with the torch.
Zap!
“Bitch, don’t you try that shit on me. I’m Arthur Weasley.”
(Also, here’s a question – how come Durmstrang and those other places don’t come to help out? They say the fate of the wizarding world is up for grabs, but this is one school. The Ministry of Magic is just the English Ministry, isn’t it? Or are we supposed to believe that this is still actually the center of the wizarding world?)
Colin:
THANK YOU. WHERE IS AMERICA? I refuse to believe American wizards are bitches. How great would that have been if America showed up in the last book, and it was a ‘stupid Yanks, late for every war’ thing? But then we totally kick ass.
Kingsley is awesome.
Flee, children. Flee!
Oh, Harry just fucked his day up!
Colin:
Okay, we’re under attack by HUNDREDS of Death Eaters, looking to harm and probably kill anyone they can, especially you. Can you PLEASE stop using Stupefy? MURDER THEM ALL.
“You haven’t seen Luna, have you?”
Oh, god, this moment!
I need to take a second here and talk about how much I hate this fucking moment. Because not only does it reek of “let’s tie everything up nicely,” but it also reeks of AWFUL EXECUTION.
First off – you know they were sitting there, like, “Harry and Ginny get together, Ron and Hermione end up together, so we should pair up Luna and Neville and make everything perfect.” You know they did that. That’s the only way you make this decision. And second – THIS is where you throw it in? How fucking terrible is this moment? “I feel great, I just almost got killed! Oh, by the way, you know that girl I never really interacted with ever on screen? I have a thing for her. I’m gonna go tell her in the middle of this fucking WAR ZONE, because we’ll probably both be dead soon anyway, and because it’ll make shit seem nice for the viewing audience at home.” It’s so horrible I think it gave at least three people cancer. No joke. Pick any three people with cancer – I bet you this moment is the cause of it.
I’ve never actually said “Fuck you” to this franchise before, but I’ll say it for this moment. That’s actually unforgivable, what they just did, because it was done for all the wrong reasons.
Now, I get that you can say, “Oh, well, they just date for a bit before he marries Hannah Abbott and she marries Rolf Scamander (not that I have any idea who they marry or anything),” but this is a movie. When the movie ends, we don’t get to see the future. We only see what they tell us. This is something we’ve said all along the way. In the movies, for five movies, all we saw was Harry and Hermione clearly on the path to getting together. We fucking SAW IT. What movies tell you is all you have to go by, and nothing more. And this movie says “Neville fancies Luna and is going to tell her he loves her,” and nothing more. Well, we see them sitting next to one another later, and then nothing more. So what are we to presume from that? You can’t bring the books into this, because when a movie does it, there are implications. Which is why this scene may, in fact, be the single worst in the entire franchise.
So I’ll just come right out and say it again – “Fuck you guys for this.” It didn’t need it, it’s wholly unnecessary, and if you cut it out no one would miss it.
Horrible scene.
And again, I’m telling you – at least three people. Cancer.
Colin:
This is a movie-only relationship. Neville confesses his love for Luna, which isn’t really a thing. In the books, he ends up marrying Hannah Abbott, whose only appearance in these films was wearing a “Potter Stinks” badge during Goblet of Fire. Luna marries Rolf Scamander, the grandson of the author of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. They’re book zoologists. But since we don’t have time for that, why not put two characters together at the last minute for dramatic effect? Fuck ’em.
And of course they need to make out now.
“We may die, but I love you.”
“What about your five brothers and your parents?”
What’s even dumber is that she just says, “I know.” I guess the assumption is that he was thinking. “I love you,” which of course we never hear him say. Which is always the basis for a solid marriage. But how do we know that’s what he was thinking. What if it was, “I really wish we had time for you to suck my dick right now”? “I know.”
“Now you got me thinking about the time where I fucked you doggystyle over the Chamber of Secrets sink.” “I know.”
“We really need to schedule that appointment with the abortion guy tomorrow.” “I know.”
“Is my door unlocked? I’m worried I may have left it unlocked.” “I know.”
“Pizza.” “I know.”
Seriously. “I know.” Was that supposed to be awesome or something? Or was she just covering up for the lack of intimacy she knows he has? No – make him say it. That’s his JOB to say it. Who gives a fuck if he has to go find some pieces of his mortal enemy’s soul before said enemy kills him – it’s two words, and he can say them.
Colin:
She just says, “I know,” and we’re expected to know what he means as well. After all the action has died down and they get to talk again, it turns out he was about to say, “In case I die, and you find my porn stash…I’ve only gotten into amputee stuff as a coping mechanism after Mad Eye died for me.” And she’s cool with it.
And look at this run up the stairs – seriously, where are you going? Where are any of these people going?
Hey, remember when you couldn’t apparate on school grounds?
(Why the fuck isn’t everyone else doing this? Apparate to fucking America or something. Shit, apparate to the fucking Bahamas. I don’t think Voldemort’s making his way to Nassau anytime soon. Go drink liquor out of a coconut and bang bitches.)
Colin:
What if someone was running through that exact spot as Draco apparated to it? Does that do a splinching sort of thing? How does that work, if you don’t know what’s there? What if you imagine a place and then apparate to it, but it’s changed since you were last there, and now there’s something in your way or nothing there at all? (Oh…Alderaan. I’m so sorry.)
“You – black kid, Goyle. Come with me.”
Also, fun fact: you know why the black kid is now Draco’s new henchman? Blaise? Or Token, as I call him? Because the actor who played Crabbe was arrested for having weed and they wrote him out of the franchise without telling anybody. So now Goyle is the one that has Crabbe’s scene in the Room of Requirement coming up, and Blaise is the other sidekick.
Another fun fact: the actor who played Crabbe was also, in 2011, sentenced to two years of prison for participating in the London riots and having a Molotov cocktail with him.
So if you’re gonna go out, go out like that.
Fiendfyre indeed.
Colin:
You don’t really NEED need something unless you close your eyes.
(Note: That’s how Harry summons the room. I’m not wasting time with a screenshot.)
You know what’s funny? The Room of Requirement has been in the same place for the last two years, and it has had the same look to it for the last two years. It’s my understanding that it presents itself wherever the person is and fits itself to the person’s particular needs. Two questions with that –
One – why didn’t it present itself to Harry downstairs when he was talking to Helena Ravenclaw? He knew where he had to go and he had real need of it. Why did he have to run all the way upstairs to find it? Is it actually just in that one spot? Is that it? I thought the beauty of the room was that it could appear anywhere within the castle? Do you actually have to be walking by it and have real need of it for it to appear? Because that’s bullshit. Then it’s just about, “Can I make this thing appear with what I need?” Once one person finds it, then everyone knows where it is and what it’s deal is.” Then it’s about who needs it more.
Two – why isn’t it appearing for everyone and turning into a fucking panic room?
Colin:
One – it’s always in the same spot in the castle, and everyone seems to know about it.
Two – regardless of what your need is, it seems that it’s not indestructible. Remember when they needed a safe, secret place to hide and have practices for Dumbledore’s Army? Umbridge was still able to break through the wall with no problem.
Which is so dumb. What the fuck is the point if that’s all it does?
And going back to the other thing — how the fuck do you fix a room of requirement? Umbridge broke the wall? How’d they get that back together?
(You think they made Filch do it? Made him stand there with some bricks and a trowel?)
They’re tracking Harry.
And speaking of tracking — did we ever find out just how the “Ministry” tracks all these people? Did we ask about that? Is it a wand thing? Unless you’re putting devices in people’s forearms, I don’t see how you can track everyone like they’re doing.
Yes, Ron. That’s Harry. Good job. You can read.
But then Harry disappears.
“Maybe he’s gone to the Room of Requirement.”
HOW FUCKING DENSE CAN YOU BE?!!! OF COURSE HE WENT TO THE GODDAMN ROOM OF REQUIREMENT!
You figure all this shit out about horcruxes based on NOTHING, and you can’t figure out where the fuck Harry went when he disappears on a Marauder’s Map in the EXACT place the Room of Requirement is?
Colin:
So the Room of Requirement is in the same place all the time, and I feel like an idiot repeating myself, but why would you NOT know that he was going there? You spent like half of your fifth years in this room. It’s like when Luna and Harry are going to Slughorn’s party, and the Room of Requirement is RIGHT there, but Luna says it’s her first time in that part of the castle. Everyone knows WHERE it is, so it should be no mystery whatsoever when he disappears. This feels like them saying, “Harry’s at 42nd and Broadway…do you think he’s at Times Square?” YES, YOU RETARDS.
(Also, again, where’s the Invisibility Cloak during all of this? He had it in Gringotts, so I guess that means Hermione has it in her bag. Which makes it even dumber of a question for Ron to wonder if he went to the Room of Requirement. No. He just stands there and thinks really hard and he can turn himself invisible at will. You fucking mo-Ron.)
Then again, this does back up my idea that the Room of Requirement isn’t in a fixed location. So which is it –am I right or are they just really stupid right now for no reason?
And then they try to pass it off like Ron being, “You said it doesn’t show up on the map last year,” and Hermione being like, “That’s right, I did.”
Look, Hermione, he didn’t just get smarter, you just had a really low opinion of him. Or your brain is completely clouded with thoughts of ginger dick. You JUST said how smart he was with the basilisk fang thing – why are you so impressed that he remembered something?
Is this how low the bar has fallen for Ron?
Colin:
He tied his own shoes this morning!
Ron:
I wipe my own ass!
Gonna have to get some squib day laborers to fix this shit.
Why does Malfoy need backup to go there? I get that he’s a bitch, but he did fight against Harry twice now.
Seriously – hasn’t changed in two years. Kind of a mixed message on the word “requirement” there. Harry required the ability to find the horcrux. I’m pretty sure he didn’t think, “You know what I need right now? A giant room full of shit that I have to sift through to find what I’m looking for.” This looks like Charles Foster Kane’s house at the end. Good job finding the sled, buddy.
(Where’s Ginny when you need some Rosebud?)
Colin:
Are there infinite Rooms of Requirement? This is one that’s full of junk, and junk that’s been here for decades at least. But when they used it two years ago, it was empty and just what they needed. This goes with the idea that the Room of Requirement is whatever you need it to be. However, what if two people need it for two things at the same time? If someone’s already in there, do you not get to go in unless you have the same need as them? Or would it open into a whole new room that’s completely separate just for you and your need? If so, why would all this junk be stored in the same room?
Wouldn’t you want your own room to hide something so precious, instead of leaving it around for literally ANYONE who needs to hide their shit to just come across? And if there ISN’T an infinite number of rooms, wouldn’t the best strategy be to have someone take up residence inside with some very peculiar needs so that nobody else could get inside and use the room?
It’s also weird that he managed to turn three of the four major house objects into horcruxes, but not that fourth one, the one that can destroy horcruxes. What if he also turned the Sword of Gryffindor into one? I’d say they’d be pretty fucked then, huh? Kind of weird that he never got his hands on that one, but got his hands on all the other ones.
I also love that the Slytherin ring was always his, by birth, the Ravenclaw diadem he got by conning Helena, but the Hufflepuff Cup? He probably just said, “I’m taking this,” and nobody did anything.
Also, isn’t this “the place where it is hidden”? Padfoot wasn’t here. More shit is hidden here. The prophecy wasn’t hidden. The prophecy was just sitting on a shelf. Everyone knew where it was.
Cornish pixies?
Or have we reached a special state of evolution, when you’re stuck in a room that technically doesn’t exist for years on end?
Oh good. Nice thing, to hide something that can talk to you and tell you where it is.
Can my soul speak hassa hassa too?
Colin:
This feels vaguely like the end of the Tintin book Red Rackham’s Treasure, when he’s snooping around the basement of Marlinspike Hall for treasure among the junk.
Mr. Magorium?
Has there ever been an instance of someone wearing a tiara who wasn’t a cunt?
Colin:
If it was anyone but her, I’d have made the argument. But… fair enough.
It just occurred to me that Draco is now gonna have that Death Eater tattoo on his arm for the rest of his life. It’s kinda like that Inglourious Basterds thing where there’s always gonna be a reminder that he fought on the Nazi side. Ain’t no more short sleeve shirts for him ever again.
Malfoy wants his wand. Harry tells him to go fuck himself.
Malfoy’s using his mother’s wand. “It’s powerful, but it’s – it’s not the same.”
Just gonna leave that one right where it is.
“Doesn’t quite – understand me.”
That too.
“Know what I mean?”
WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING I’M TRYING TO GIVE YOU AN EASY OUT DRACO.
Harry wants to know why he didn’t tell Bellatrix. Good question.
“You knew it was me.”
Why is Goyle all “rah rah let’s do this”? A minute ago you didn’t even want to be here.
Colin:
What the hell happened to Malfoy? He starts out the only real badass among his crew when they were young, and now it’s his backup guys that are telling him not to bitch out? Draco’s like a gangsta rapper that went Hollywood. Ain’t pullin’ drive-bys no more.
Break yo self, fool!
She’s the best. Seriously. Ain’t no one gonna outdraw Double Tap Granger.
Malfoys be losing wands like a MOTHERFUCKER.
(Also, why did his mother give him her wand? Do they ever explain why he’s here? I figure it’s to get Harry, be forgiven by Voldemort. So his mother gives him her wand so that could happen? This is just one Wile E. Coyote scheme one top of another. This family can’t do anything right.)
(Not even check a body, as we’ll find out soon enough.)
Shit, Goyle – breaking out the Vada Kedavra… let’s get settled into the fight first.
Stupefy.
Wow, they really did replace Expelliarmus with Stupefy. Which I can accept. It is a much more useful spell and does inflict some kind of damage on your opponent.
(That is, I accept it as a substitute, not something you should be using at this moment in time.)
She doesn’t hit Goyle, but…
But that diadem…
She’s better when she moves.
Great, now it’s on top of a fucking mound of shit.
“Bitch, what are you doing?”
What the fuck?
“That’s my girlfriend, you looney!”
Colin:
I got respect for Goyle, whipping out the killing curse. Ron charges in yelling, like Han Solo trying to intimidate those Stormtroopers. I wonder if he’ll continue the pastiche and come running back in a few seconds, screaming…
There go those pants.
THIS REALLY IS LIKE GUTS!
And that really is a Cornish pixie.
He fucking LAUNCHES that thing!
Do they just hide out up there?
They got it.
How about destroying it instead of wondering what Ron is doing?
“Is he naked?”
“How’d he get that stuck in there?”
“He just couldn’t wait til we got home later, could he?”
There’s a Balrog in there too?
Glad to see Ron has become a serious character.
Jesus, Goyle. You are fucking UP.
Hey, those lanterns were from the last movie. Is this where they store all the shit? Are the Halloween decorations up here?
Well not anymore.
You shouldn’t have touched the jewel, Abu.
Yes, throw more stuff into the fire. That’ll stop it.
Here’s a question – is the room gone for good now, or is all the shit stored up there just gone and then the room can just come back as something else? They never explain this.
Also, will the rest of the school burn down now or just this room? The answer seems to be just this room, but how do you explain that? Umbridge broke into this place, so presumably this fire can spread through the rest of the castle.
Colin:
Ah, yes. Mike is on the bandwagon of asking completely logical questions about things. These aren’t attacks, so much as — “Hey, check this out. What’s going on here?”
“Ah, yes, Mike isn’t just saying stupid shit anymore.”
I have Ron expectations.
Now if you’ll excuse me, Imma go get some wittles.
He can’t turn it off.
Colin:
This Charizard won’t listen to its trainer.
There you go. Leave the wand. Take the cannolis.
Colin:
It’s safe to say that spell back….fired.
Bay shot.
Jesus, this thing is like the magnet from The Brave Little Toaster.
Right, there just HAPPEN to be brooms right where Harry casts a Robertus Kellyus spell.
Hey, remember when you just apparated like three minutes ago, Draco? How about doing that again?
Bye bye, Goyle.
No idea why you look like a member of KISS. Or the wrestler Sting. Or Rob Corddry on Children’s Hospital. Or the Phantom of the Paradise.
Wow, is that the first time we can legitimately say, “And that’s the end of” somebody?
I mean, we could have said it about some others, but we were supposed to care about them. We never really got a full on death scene for too many people in this franchise. Mostly it was off-screen, or in flashbacks or weird scar-mind meld things. There’s never really been an established character death that wasn’t Sirius or Dumbledore or someone like that.
Colin:
Also, remember how Slughorn’s fish died when Lily died? I took that to mean that the person’s life is linked to their spells and enchantments. Does Fiendfyre act that way? Why doesn’t it matter that the wand gets incinerated? Even when Goyle dies, it continues. What types of magic don’t have anything to do with the caster?
You fucking Gryffindor.
(And Colin’s notes?)
Colin:
Don’t be such a Gryffindor. Just leave them. You think you’ll lose sleep, but this is why we have booze.
Why would he even lose sleep? He watched Sirius, Dumbledore and Dobby die in front of him, and literally all three are HIS fault. All of them. I don’t see why this one is even remotely his fault, even if he leaves him to die.
“If we die for them, Harry, I’m gonna kill you!”
♫ “I can show you the world…” ♫
But actually.
It’s weird that the black guys actually make it through this franchise.
Look at Hermione. On point.
Oh, wow – the door was open! What a shocker!
Naturally Malfoy hightails it out of there.
But that’s still there.
Did she just toss him a basilisk fang? That’s awesome.
GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!
Fluffymort.
THOSE ARE WOODEN DOORS!!!
Now, here’s a question — in the book, they make that the horcrux is destroyed by Fiendfyre. That never really made too much sense to me as a thing. Eventually, Fahrenheit 451, it’ll burn. This way, I get it. They stab it, then they throw it into the fire. Fuck you and the ghost you came in on. (Though, that is a famous school heirloom that is just gone now. Same for the cup. And the ring. Basically only the sword is left in terms of school artifacts.) So this technically puts Harry’s film total to three horcruxes destroyed. He has 3, Ron has 1, Hermione has 1, Neville has 1, Dumbledore has 1 and Voldemort has 1. So basically Gryffindor beats Voldemort, and Voldemort drives the final nail into the coffin himself. Jesus. Literally, only Gryffindors destroy horcruxes in this movie. And Voldemort destroys the one he didn’t mean to make.
“Now what?”
He just kills the political ruler of the country because he can. Granted – circumstances – but he’s still the Minister of Magic. Puppet regime or no, that’s still pretty awesome.
Taking Nagini with him. Hint hint.
Colin:
Sometimes he just speaks English with the snake? Okay.
Harry realizes the snake is the last horcrux.
Colin:
Question – if Nagini is the last horcrux, doesn’t that make Voldemort mortal after all? Cause the last time I checked, snakes do die of old age if they aren’t killed.
Well, there’s still Harry. Plus I thought that was what happened to him in Albania — he inhabited snake bodies for a while, but had to keep moving because his possession of them made them die quicker. I presume that it being a part of his soul makes Nagini live longer, but that is a legitimate point.
Colin:
I mean, even Harry is mortal. Right now, Voldemort has two horcruxes that — even if left completely alone, would die eventually. Poor planning, sir.
Harry also does the reverse scar thingy to find out where Voldenrod is.
Which we will find out about tomorrow, because that’s the END OF PART II.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part III, and “Always.”
B+ Movie Blog 
Leave a Reply