Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011), Part V — “Magic Doesn’t Put Your Parents Back Together”

Today we finish our first franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, as we reach the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, and the final part of the Harry Potter franchise.

We begin Part V with a BOSS FIGHT!!!!!

This needs some badass boss music.

This is awesome.

FUCK YO SPELL!

Oh yeah, now THIS is a fight!

I love that he can just apparate behind him and shit.

That’s kind of a problem.

Then again, this is usually how boss fights work. You gotta take out the main boss and something like this that’s also attacking you.

I’ve said all along that Voldemort knows how to be a final boss. Everything he’s done is final boss-like.

Nice thinking.

Colin:

Spells seem to have an explosive effect on objects when they aren’t doing whatever they’re supposed to. Whatever spells they’re shooting here (one of which is a regular killing curse), they have the force to bring the roof down. What if I shoot a spell to turn a mosquito into a baseball, but I miss the mosquito and hit the wall? Will there be damage on the wall, even though my spell is completely unrelated to doing physical damage to an inanimate object?

Do spells have a base level of damage that they do to anything they hit that’s completely separate from any other effect the spell has? Cause unless one of those spells is pure physical damage or something like it, I don’t see why the roof crumbles. This is just one of those things that you see and accept cause you’re in the middle of a heated battle, but then at normal times, there’s no way it would go down. Could I break through a wall using Expelliarmus? I think not. It’s for battle effect only — think about the exploding toilets in the bathroom duel with Draco during Half-Blood Prince.

I think they do have base damage, since once they started with the nonverbal spells, they just sort of shot out of the wand and sounded like gunshots or something. They made those zap noises. So I think they do cause damage. Again, probably just ill-defined, and not entirely on Rowling, either, since it’s mostly a movie thing. It kind of harkens back to the Expelliarmus thing, where sometimes it’ll just hit the wand and other times it’ll throw someone back fifteen feet.

But for here, it seems like there’s so much power coming out of those wands that it would cause that reaction. It sounds like the kind of shit that killed Oddjob. But it’s completely ill-defined and I have no idea what’s supposed to be going on there, physics-wise.

“Let’s do this, bitch.”

Tally ho!

How come the stairs aren’t changing now?

Well that’s not good.

Do a barrel roll!

Oh shit. Hermione be throwing rocks at it.

Really?

Love the guy flying behind him.

Colin:

“That is the LAST time I let Flitwick trick me into doing tequila shots.”

Colin:

Wait! Maybe there ARE some Star Wars parallels here! With the catwalk?

He’s referring to me saying (not in these articles… in the Return of the Jedi ones… since of course that’s our next franchise) that the final battle with these two had the same two colors as the one between Luke and Vader. Of course, here, the colors have some sort of basis… house colors and all… but it was just interesting to me as an observation that they were the same.

Gotcha, bitch.

Wait, they brought multiple fangs?

HERMIONE YOU HAVE A WAND! BLOW THAT FUCKING THING’S HEAD OFF!!

Oh, right… this moment.

“Not my daughter, you bitch!”

Molly be throwing killing curses left and right now.

Colin:

Here comes Mrs. Weasley! She’s seeing red! She’s a fiery one! Who’s ready to see this ginger snap?

Here’s a fundamental question — can gingers make horcruxes?

Oh, but nice, the one that kills her isn’t a killing curse. It just happens to kill her.

Nice to know you can kill someone, but as long as you don’t use an UNFORGIVABLE curse to do it, it’s okay.

Colin:

Was that spell just to tighten Bellatrix’s corset? Is that a thing? And then what was the final killing spell, there? Can you just make someone explode? In terms of kills, that was kind of the Dr. Kananga of this franchise. No idea what just happened.

Also, can I say how much I dislike the “Not my daughter, you bitch” line? Not even because it’s a complete Aliens ripoff. Just because it’s both unnecessary and blatant. You don’t need the word “bitch” there. It stands out. And it just sounds like a blatant attempt at a “badass” line. It’s the one that Rowling wants you to quote. And yet I think there are other lines in this that are much more badass. It just rings totally false to me on every level. And then the way they did it in the movie, it’s like — the battle’s over, and then Bellatrix shows up. It’s almost forced, because it has to happen. I can see if shit’s really going down. But they’re all huddled in the corner, the whole thing’s on its way out, most of them are checking on each other to make sure they’re okay, and then she shows up. If this happened during a full on battle, then it would make sense to me. This feels completely like them going through the motions. Like, “Well we have to do this now…”

Even in the book it felt like that. Like she wanted to give a scene of Molly Weasley saying something badass and killing someone, and right, we need to off Bellatrix since she’s the most dangerous one and needs to get her comeuppance.

Not a fan of this scene. Never was.

Colin:

Definitely overplayed for badass effect. I see Molly Weasley speaking, but I hear, “You’re terminated, fucker!” I wish Bellatrix had a better death. And yet, it still has to be said.

In the future, I bet they’re gonna add CG scenes of all the goblins in Gringotts singing and cheering to this. (You know… after they digitally add Ralph Fiennes’ face in the first movie.)

Colin:

Oh, but question! Let’s say Hermione still had some of that Bellatrix Polyjuice left — would it still work, or is it no good now because she’s dead? (Trying to get some of these questions out while I can because we’re almost done.)

I think you just need some sort of DNA of the person.

Which… there’s a good way to find out if those remains are actually Jesus.

That’s right, Molly. Take your bow.

VOLDEMORT JUST JUNGLE SLAPPED HARRY!!!

Harry says he was right when he told Snape the wand was failing him. The wand will always fail him.

“No! I killed Snape!”

“What if the wand never belonged to Snape?”

“What if it’s allegiance was always to someone else?”

“Come on, Tom. Let’s finish this the way we started.”

“Together.”

Right, though?

Colin:

Where did he get the idea to just jump off this precipice? Is that what seemed like the right thing to do at the time? Let’s recap – Voldemort is still cool because the snake is alive; you can very easily die from a fall that has nothing to do with magic around these grounds that aren’t all protected by the anti-gravity charm, as we see with Neville in the first book/film.

When you’re a Gryff, you’re a Gryff all the way. That’s the only way to explain it. They don’t think.

Jesus Christ, Heath Ledger, what’s all that about?

Colin:

First, I’m begging someone to just tell me what’s up with the flying. I’ve been so patient. Please. It hurts. Make it stop. Second, there’s your ending for you. A full on case of, “There is no Harry. Only Zuul.”

Harry and Voldemort end up as the same person, and it becomes a sitcom, with the two of them struggling for control over the same body and trying to live in suburban Illinois and work in a factory.

Yeah, I’m sure you survive that.

YES! This moment! I love that they incorporated the “crawling for the gun” moment.

Swing away, Neville.

Colin:

Hey, how about Mel Gibson as Voldemort? Think about it. Actually, I just did, don’t bother.

“…and starring Nicolas Cage as Filius Flitwick.”

Or fuck it — put Cage as anyone in this franchise. Holy shit. That would be AMAZING.

So Voldemort’s dead.

What’s that all about?

Colin:

The curse doesn’t rebound on him. He’s already starting to fade away before they stop fighting, so the implication is that he’s already done for once Nagini’s dead. So this is different from the books. The film Voldemort appears to be nothing more than a body, with soul out in the cloud somewhere in his horcruxes. Wireless soul.

This death is gross, though. This is like some Chernobyl shit.

Technically he just had his ashes scattered over the grounds at Hogwarts.

Not even Dumbledore got that.

Also — I want to see what a portrait of him looks like and does.

Do you think it just sits there, all angry and shit, cursing mudbloods who walk by?

FUCK YOU! This shot…

This would be so much better without all that bullshit you gave us earlier.

Colin:

Wow, I’m so glad you put Neville and Luna together. Somebody call Snape, cause this pair got CHEMISTRY. Oh wait. No they don’t, and Snape’s dead.

Seriously, filmmakers… fuck you.

She looks like she just had a lobotomy.

And there’s the “fuck you” to Colin.

Colin:

Yeah, notice how I didn’t comment on this ON PURPOSE? Not only is she not supposed to be here, but she’s getting unnecessary looks of understanding with Harry at a time when he should be finding his wife-to-be! Seriously guys, I’ve pretty much accepted that Cho isn’t happening and that it has to be Ginny, but you’re reopening old wounds. This is like ripping the band-aid off, picking at the scab, ripping the wound open wider, pouring salt in there and then cauterizing it so you can DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. You bastards.

Looks like there’s another Asian chick over there to the left, though…

Colin: 

I love that the other Gryffindor guys get to chill with Aberforth. Like they have their own Bizarro World Harry Potter crew.

He’s totally the old hippy stoner who hangs out with college kids. That’s exactly who he is.

Too much to say about this shot. But we’ll do it…

“So, Professor Sprout… how you doin’?”

Slughorn going on about how he probably did something vaguely impressive, and Flitwick being patient as hell, even though he killed hundreds of people just before.

Darkness.

What’s Pansy Parkinson doing there? Remember like an hour ago when she was ready to give up Harry? All is forgiven, all of a sudden?

Colin: 

How about the fact that Slughorn is the head of their house and neither objected to their imprisonment, nor was he imprisoned himself.

I understand this completely, as someone who is almost always implicitly involved in people doing shit and never gets blamed for it. Slughorn was clearly not responsible at all for any of it… but I understand.

Colin:

Just so you guys know — for whatever reason, Mike is that guy who gets caught with a group of people doing evil shit and never gets in trouble for it. Could be a bank robbery. But he’s the one where they’re like, “Mike, what’re you doing mixed up with this kind of rabble? You know better! Run on home, now.” While the rest of us get sent up for a dime in State.

Aww… Hagrid and Harry.

Nice moment, but sucks that Hagrid is basically gone at this point.

Colin:

Hey Hagrid, let’s discuss how many people were killed by enormous spiders that you are singlehandedly responsible for the existence of!

“Alas, poor Voldemort. I knew him.”

Colin:

What, was he checking to see if that rock would make a suitable 53-sided die? Magic puts this shit back together, Filch. Why are you even trying?

It doesn’t put your parents back together.

Magic Doesn’t Put Your Parents Back Together.

Back to work, squibby.

Colin:

Oh, are they holding hands? Aw, they must be officially together. Well, add that to the list of relationships this franchise fucked up permanently. I think the only pair I’m okay with in the entire franchise is George Weasley and Angelina Johnson. YEAH, THE INTERRACIAL COUPLE. GO AHEAD, DISAGREE, RACISTS.

But it’s sad, because now George has to learn how to tell the other halves of jokes.

Not if he can paint.

Total Cage face.

What if he jumped? Right now? Or what if he fell in? How great an ending would that be?

(Admit it, a lot of you would prefer it to the epilogue.)

“Why didn’t it work for him? The Elder Wand?”

Harry explains that it was Draco who disarmed Dumbledore in the astronomy tower. So the allegiance was to Draco and not Snape. And then he took it from Draco at Malfoy Manor…

“It’s mine.”

“So whtchu go’n do?”

Kobe!

Colin:

That wand was made in the 13th century. SNAP!

No respect for history… these kids today.

The franchise begins with these shots, and it ends with these shots.

Colin:

How much one-on-one time do Harry and Ron get in the last few films? It’s pretty much Harry and Hermione, who bubble over with chemistry, and then Ron is now basically Hermione’s sidekick. So much for best friends.

Aww… they’re finally on the same plane.

None of you finished school. I hope you know that.

Colin:

Ever want to do this? Like you, me, and Shiho, and we’re walking somewhere (probably to get booze), and we just pause for a second in an awkward way, cause that’s the tableau that they’re gonna fade out on.

Only if there’s a title card immediately after that shot that says how we all died shortly after it.

“Three months later, Shiho died of AIDS and burst into flowers.”

“Mike died tragically rescuing his family from the remains of a sinking battleship.”

“Colin was killed by China.”

Colin:

Mine’s the one where it’s a joke, but is also completely serious. We laugh, but just watch… China.

And that’s… almost the end of the movie.

Oh, that’s right. The epilogue.

Let’s get this out of the way first — I, for one, am, and always have been a fan of this. I always thought it was a nice ending, and gave a whole “life goes on” sort of vibe to it. Not that we need to see it continue, but I like the idea that it does continue.

Colin:

They were careful about this. They knew that if they showed cars close up, I’d lose my shit over whatever they decided cars from 2026 look like. And for those of you who want to scream about how the books end in 1998, setting the epilogue in 2017 – this is the film, and we’ve already used automotive evidence to determine that they were in fact set more like when the films were coming out. Film Harry was born in 1989.

“Together.”

Why are all the Quidditch players black now? Did some sort of desegregation thing go on?

Colin:

Nice fro in the background.

All I can think of while looking at Ginny in this shot is Harry talking about what nice skin she has.

Colin:

Look how pale they all are. The ghosts are back.

Who’s the douchebag in the visor next to Afro Samurai?

Colin:

Isn’t it great how they added to everyone’s age by either volumizing their hair (Ginny, Hermione), adding stubble (Harry, Draco) or making them fat (Ron)?

Are the older Weasleys dead right now?

Sorry to kill the mood… I’m just asking.

Colin:

The way they cut this is weird. They show Ron and Hermione’s daughter, and then they show Harry and Ginny’s son drop back and tie his shoe. It’s like the kid has a crush on his cousin. What the fuck is that about? They explain why he’s angsty, but the visual suggests a creepy, incestuous thing. Maybe it’s like Harry’s son having thoughts about Hermione’s daughter cause they’re the pair that should have happened all along. Too bad the kids both have Weasley blood. It should be no surprise that Weasley blood, like a disease, is the glue holding this corner of the wizarding population together.

Isn’t it weird that Harry and Ginny and Ron and Hermione ended up having children who were the EXACT same ages? I bet they got married at the same time, too. They seem like those kind of people.

“Dad? What if I am put in Slytherin?”

Colin:

His son is only worried about getting sorted into Slytherin; he doesn’t say he wants to be sorted into Gryffindor. Harry just assumes that, but maybe the kid wants to get into Ravenclaw. He’s wearing blue, after all. Maybe he’s smarter than you were, Harry. He’s probably safe to assume that his son isn’t shooting for Hufflepuff.

Does anyone shoot for Hufflepuff? Unless it’s to kill?

Colin:

I bet to parents that weren’t Hufflepuffs, finding out their kids want to be Hufflepuffs is like them coming out. But since it appears that most kids are sorted into the same house as their parents (I say most, but obviously not all, like Sirius Black), the size of each house might be directly affected by which house’s members have the most kids. What about inter-house marriage? It’s tricky. Seems like filthy mudbloods are the only ones who get sorted on character alone.

Oh, Hermione. You could have been so much more.

Hermione’s List.

(Look, if I didn’t do it, you’d all wonder why I didn’t. This is the station I’ve been given.)

(Doesn’t he look like Elijah Wood?)

“Albus Serverus Potter – you were named after two headmasters at Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I’ve ever known.”

Colin:

And we end the series the way we began it. With people clumsily saying other people’s full names in order to identify them.

“But say that I am…”

“Then Slytherin house will have gained a wonderful wizard.”

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

Colin:

I had a lot of complaints about the shoddy acting done by children in the first few films, but in this picture, I have only two problems. One — Rose Weasley looks like a goon. And two — what the HELL kind of weird puppet owl is that?

That’s Hermione’s daughter, Colin.

Colin:

No, that’s Ron’s daughter. There’s a difference.

Also — chick holding the owl — totally like 25.

And the chick in the middle there — totally the chick who’d bang you on the first day of orientation. Don’t even pretend. At worst you’re getting your dick sucked. Just look at her. You can tell.

Colin:

And as if to give one last FU to Ginny, they crop her out of the final shot before fading out. You are tacked onto the end of this story, you are not a main character, and you spent most of your time at Hogwarts serial dating.

Plus I’m pretty sure she almost killed some people her first year.

Plays a lot better on film, doesn’t it?

– – – – – – – – – –

And then, one final thought before I wrap up the article, since this has been such an integral part to my life since I found it —

The first thing I did upon finishing these movies and these articles was retake the Harry Potter Sorting Hat Quiz to see where I ended up.

We discovered it my sophomore year — it was one of those things where… I think Shiho found it (right, Colin?), or rather, was taking a bunch to reaffirm that he would get Slytherin on all of them, and then we all started taking them, and then we found that one, which was the most comprehensive one at the time (and has pretty much remained as such. Though if anyone has found one that’s as in depth and complex as that, let me know. I’m talking real questions. Not like, “What’s your favorite color? Red, Green, Yellow or Blue?”), and we made everyone we know take it. (I also kind of wish they had the Pottermore one online for you to take, since that one is so awesome, since it’s so abstract, you can’t really cheat it the way you can other ones.)

But anyway, we all took the quiz my sophomore year, and we pretty much knew what we were gonna get. Colin knew he was gonna get Ravenclaw, and Shiho did everything he could to make sure he was Slytherin. And I knew I was probably gonna get Hufflepuff, since apparently Hufflepuff is the only house with a laid back attitude toward shit. And since then, I’ve taken the quiz pretty much once a year, just to see how/if things have changed and such.

The way the test works is – you grade shit on a scale of 1-9, 1 being something that’s completely unlike you, and 9 being something that’s completely like you, and they score you out of 100 your compatibility with all of the houses. It tells you where you would be sorted into, but also says how compatible you were with all the houses. I still haven’t found a better test than this one. (If you have, again — please, let us know.)

So I felt the way to mark the end of these articles was to take the test again and see where it put me this time. Typically, my scores end up being like, 90 for Hufflepuff and high 80s for Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, and then like, 30-35 for Slytherin. I’m clearly not the Slytherin type, so my compatibility with that house is way off. But the rest are all pretty much right there.

This time, upon taking the test, here’s what I got:

Slytherin – 35.

Again, no surprise. I have almost nothing in common with what Slytherin house is about, so I expect to see this 35 or under every time.

Gryffindor – 85

Not too surprising, though a year ago, Gryffindor was the second-highest match. It usually fluctuates between 85-89 for me. So it did catch my attention a little bit that it dropped to third.

And then… in the words of Mark Wahlberg at this year’s Oscars, “We have a tie.”

Ravenclaw – 91

Hufflepuff – 91

I got an exact tie between those (which makes sense, since my personality is almost an exact match of those two houses). The Sorting Hat said Ravenclaw at the top of the quiz, though, so I guess that’s what it is now.

Here’s a screenshot for proof purposes:

I got Ravenclaw. Where’s Luna at?

Colin also took the test again as well. Here’s what he got.

Colin:

Not much of a surprise. Ravenclaw is the best, we all know this. As you can see, I have fewer total points than Mike, mostly cause I’m wary about giving myself an 8 or 9 anywhere, but I still ended up with 91 points for Ravenclaw. The only disturbing thing here is that my [distant] second place was Hufflepuff. I’d at least want Gryffindor in second, I guess. Although, the more I watch the films, the more I find myself getting irritated with characters for acting stereotypically Gryffindor. I really am all about the Ravenclaw stuff, which is the most important. The one thing you can respect Hufflepuffs for is that they keep their heads down and get things done. I think living and working in Japan has brought that score up, because if you want to get along in a Japanese company, you need to have those Hufflepuff traits. Slytherins don’t do well in Japan. You gotta work your way up to that level of cunning.

The important thing is that I got Ravenclaw. Holla at Cho boy.

So that’s how we’re gonna end this franchise: Holla at Cho boy!

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we pick our favorite images from the film, then Sunday we wrap up our final thoughts about the film and about the franchise. And on Monday, we start our next franchise. Which you won’t find out about until Sunday’s article.

This is what’s known as a tease.

AKA, Keep reading, motherfuckers. (Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.)

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