Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope (1977), Part III — “And Not a Single ‘Woo Hoo’ Was Said”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the third part of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope:

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We begin Part III at some kind of moon or something.

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Great shot. Still think we didn’t need this here.

But it does look good.

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Another beautiful image.

Colin:

What is this, like an Oil Crisis thing? Ever notice how the lights on the Death Star are always turned way down?

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The design of this place is fascinating. There are just random light panels in the side of the walls. Is this how they light the place? I don’t see any overheads. It’s really interesting to think about who the architect was who designed these plans. That person must be interesting.

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I like how she immediately walks up to him and starts saying shit. She recognized his “foul stench” when she came on board. (Wouldn’t that be like being captured during the Civil War and being like, “General Grant… I fucking knew you’d be here, you asshole”? Obviously he’d have something to do with it.)

But I love that she just walks in and is like, “Oh, it’s you, you asshole.”

Which is pretty great, considering she’s a POW about to be executed.

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Mouthy broad, ain’t she?

Colin:

Leia knows how to put someone down. “Goddamn, get some Listerine up in this bitch! Witcha yuck-mouth teeth!”

I like how he calls her, “Charming to the last.” That basically tells you right there why she ends up with Han.

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That smirk is pretty great, too. There’s always something to be said for people who don’t get angry. Which is both Vader and Muffdaddy T. Vader calmly walks over to the guy and starts Force choking him, and Muffdaddy T just smiles and says:

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“Before I have you killed, I want you to watch something. I’m gonna destroy your planet.”

Colin:

I always had a problem with this statement about grip-tightening and star system-slippage. What’s that supposed to mean? How will they slip through his fingers when they administer more control? And where are they “slipping” to? Star systems have a pretty established point in the galaxy.

My problem is when he says that she basically has determined which planet is gonna get blown up first by her actions.

What the fuck other planet were they gonna choose? They must know that she’s a Rebel, along with her father. They must know they live on Alderaan. Why wouldn’t they blow that up? Were they just gonna blow up some random, insignificant planet? Isn’t the point to make a statement?

I guess the idea is that Alderaan is mostly a civilian planet and is not being destroyed for military reasons, but still — isn’t that how you make a statement?

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Alderaan looks familiar, atmosphere-wise. I can’t quite put my finger on why, though…

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“No!”

(Oh, now you change your tone…)

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“Where is the Rebel base?”

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“Dantooine. They’re on Dantooine.”

I love that she has to look at the camera first to do that.

Those two shots are actually the, “I want it willingly” shots. Look at that image up there. She’s actually saying she wants it willingly.

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“Thank you.”

And Vader’s right behind her? They’re really gonna mess with her doody hole right now.

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“Now do it anyway.”

Colin:

I know that a whole planet is about to bite it, but can we pause to admire Peter Cushing’s diction?

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That’s flattering.

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“You’re far too trusting.”

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Now there’s a shot.

Also, ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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I can’t believe they put this in here. They’re showing you how to destroy a planet. What if people copycatted this?

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Colin:

These guys all seem to have very unnecessary headgear. Is the Death Star’s big laser squad actually just Daft Punk?

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Alderaan… the ‘Ran so far away…

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Or maybe it’s more like, “Al-al-al-al-al-der-aan.”

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I love this shot. Because these fucks have to stand like three feet from part of a laser that can take out an entire planet. That’s gotta cause some major radiation issues.

Is there some kind of Stormtrooper health plan? Can they sue for this?

Better call Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. They represent people like you.

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Right?

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Boom.

Colin:

RIP ALDERAAN (   — 0 BBY)

That explosion looked great.

I’d pour some out as tribute, but why waste the booze?

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Force training.

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Obi-Wan is bored as fuck.

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How CG does that thing look right now?

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Obi-Wan felt a great disturbance in the Force.

I’m gonna say that when I get a hard-on.

“As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.”

Colin:

I don’t think those people had a chance to cry out in terror before being silenced. But it’s all cool, anyway – just use Naboo’s Dragonballs to wish Alderaan and everyone back. Speaking of which, don’t you think it’s weird we never hear anything about Naboo, even though that’s where Palpatine was from? I guess he’s moved on, but we never hear about it. Seems kinda unnecessary to have made him Nubian during the new trilogy. I guess it was all about using the sympathy from the invasion to get the emergency powers, but why would they give the emergency powers to someone who was directly involved? Seems like he could have manipulated things to go his way having been from somewhere else.

What’s a Nubian?

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So what’s the deal with this? Is this thing actually shooting at him? Is this life or death training? If he misses, does this kill him?

Colin:

It does hit him a few times. Pretty sure it’s just a little shock. One that must hurt, but also be harmless.

So we’re back to laser inconsistency. Granted, the beam looks thinner than a blaster beam, but not that much. I mean, I can buy that it doesn’t kill him, but, overall — this is one of those Rowling things that we’re just supposed to go with.

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I know this is a Ray Harryhausen tribute, but what the fuck is this about?

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Oh, I get it. It’s supposed to be like space chess or something. All right, that’s cool.

No fucking idea how it’s supposed to work, but that’s cool.

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“It’s not wise to upset a Wookiee.”

And 3PO’s like, “Ain’t no one say shit about upsetting a droid!” And Han’s like, “Yeah, cause they don’t rip people’s arms out when they lose. I’ve seen some shit.”

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Reaction shots.

“Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.”

Colin:

I love this. Han explains how Chewie’s an immature, poor loser, and Chewie puts his hands behind his head, like, “Yeah, I’m cool with being called a sore loser cause the point is I can still whoop your monkey ass.” He hasn’t heard about R2’s days as a successful droiddingo fighter.

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Obi-Wan tells him a real Jedi feels the Force flowing through him.

Like a good single malt.

Colin:

I couldn’t do this exercise. The tension of the ball continually floating around, spinning and then NOT shooting you sometimes would be too much. Eventually I’d just scream and chop the motherfucker in half to end it.

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Well that answers that question.

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Han laughs at him and says some shit about how the Force doesn’t exist or whatever because he’s been everywhere and seen everything and all that.

Religious people must love this shit.

Colin:

This is something Lucas could never do these days. Han’s skeptical about the Force itself; modern Lucas would have Obi Wan pick up a bunch of shit with the Force or do something cool like that. This is wise, old Obi Wan, who recognizes that the important thing is how Luke feels about it. And he’ll let Han come along at his own pace – which he does. It’s good storytelling. Or at least better than we’re used to with the newer movies.

The joke of it is that the Force really IS like an old, cooky religion in these movies, cause we don’t receive instant proof of it. It’s more mystical and spiritual, rather than being relegated to some simple tricks and dueling skill. The purpose of this exercise isn’t really about making Luke a better duelist per se; it’s about teaching him how to reach out with the Force and feel it guide him.

Yeah… still kind of stupid.

Which is funny, considering which one of us bangs that table more in terms of actual religion.

Colin:

Oh, I’m down with religion in movies. Have you guys seen The Message? If Anthony Quinn’s down for Islam, I am. But in real life? I don’t want SHIT to do with religion. Get that shit out my face.

Isn’t it funny that I’m the exact opposite?

hate religion in movies, but I’m cool with it in life. Not like, organized religion, since fuck that shit. But spirituality — I’m cool with that. And I’m cool with some forms of religion. Like black churches. I love black churches. Black people know how to do religion. White people fuck up everything.

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So naturally now that he fucked up, the way to remedy that is to do it blindfolded. Naturally.

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“Your eyes can deceive you. Don’t trust them.”

Helen Keller:

You dick.

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I like how you can just train someone to be a Jedi. Like, “Oh, yeah, you can learn magical shit. You just need to practice.” How many self-taught Jedis are out there? I know his father is who he is, but come on.

Colin:

You can train someone to be a Jedi if they have the juice. Luke’s got the juice. But using the Force to do shit like this requires you to be Force-sensitive, which can’t be trained. Obi Wan couldn’t have me doing this stuff, cause I’m not ANY kind of sensitive.

The more you say “Force-sensitive,” the more I feel like midichlorians are okay. The whole thing just seems vague and dumb.

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Luke’s on his way to becoming a man. Now all he needs is a Haftorah portion and he’s set.

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Nice shot.

They went to Dantooine. The rebel base is long since gone.

Muffdaddy T tells Vader to kill that bitch.

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I love this, because it makes me think about how they shot this.

You never have that with CGI.

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Coming out of hyperspace.

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ASTEROID FIELD!

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But wait… Alderaan is supposed to be here.

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They realize Alerdaan is gone.

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Another ship is coming in.

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This is great. Luke goes, “Maybe they know what happened,” and Obi-Wan is like, “It’s an Imperial fighter.” Man is in the ZONE right now!

Colin:

I like how they sort of go through the logical paces about the TIE fighter. Okay, it can’t be this far out in space on its own, sort of like a seagull in the middle of the ocean. There’s gotta be something bigger around. Let’s fuck it up before it gets to those people. Oh jam.

Space submarines would be awesome.

That’s really all I got.

Oh, but actually…

Why the fuck does Luke say, “Maybe they know what happened.”

An ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET is missing — “Oh, well maybe they know where it went.”

Kill him. Seriously. Just kill him now.

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Obi-Wan wonders how a fighter that size could have gotten this far out into space on its own.

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He’s heading for that small moon.

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“That’s no moon. It’s a space station.”

Well, shit.

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“I have a very bad feeling about this.”

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I’m telling you — imagine if you knew nothing about the Death Star and then this happened.

It would be better.

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They’re being sucked in. Which — again… better. If this thing appeared out of nowhere, they realized this was the ultimate weapon, and then it just started pulling them in because it has its own gravity/forcefield? That’s terrifying.

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I love this camera placement.

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That’s a fucking great space station, by the way. Guns at every port, able to destroy a planet. You put this together with the shit in Wall-E – that’s some good living.

Colin:

I love this characterization. You combine a society-sustaining mobile wonderland with a moon-sized weapons platform and the result is “some good living.” That’s the kind of phrase someone might use to describe a Comcast hookup and some DiGiorno’s.

Or a bottle of Jergens and The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

Or so I hear.

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Colin:

The Millennium Falcon jut got raped by that tractor beam.

And now the Death Star calls up Zed to tell him the spider’s caught hisself a couple o’ flies.

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Vader realizes they must be trying to return the stolen plans to the planet.

Or… you know… just going to visit. It is a planet, after all. People’s families are there.

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Look at this. Single shot. I love it.

Colin:

It’s good how they talk about opening a “magnetic lock,” cause otherwise there’s no way to explain how these gaping holes in the structure exist without all the air getting sucked into space.

But what’s with all the holes in the floor that you can really easily fall into? Especially when the majority of people in this place have on helmets that only have two little eye holes and no allowance for periphery vision. That’s pretty dangerous, man.

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They say there’s no one on board.

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“I sense something. A presence I’ve not felt since…”

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Well, all right there, Snape, just walk away.

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So they go about checking the ship for people.

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“There’s no one here.”

Uh huh.

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You’re gonna get fucking fired.

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Seriously – how do you not check the floorboards? What the fuck were you scanning, then? Were your eyes the scanner?

Whatever you people are getting paid, it’s too much.

Colin:

Does the scanning crew scan for life forms? Remember how before, they were able to scan the jettisoned escape pod for life forms in like one second? That’d come in handy now. They have to bring this one on board? This thing looks like the Chinese dirty bomb from Goldfinger.

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I love how Chewbacca pops his head up here.

Wouldn’t it be weird if someone was going down on you and you saw it was Chewbacca?

Guys or girls. You can both answer.

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Oh, so those are the scanners. Thanks, Ralph Bellamy.

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They look like two guys carrying a case of booze.

Or the Arc of the Covenant.

Or a baby’s coffin.

Or a dead hooker.

Or some spoiled meat.

Man, this is getting sadder as we go along.

I thought about the meat thing and shuddered. That’s horrible.

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Single takes are great.

I also love how you clearly hear them beating the shit out of those guys and neither of the guards do anything about it.

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“Hey down there – could you give us a hand with this?”

Just like at Agincourt.

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This is a great shot. They walk off screen and then you hear a double tap. That’s how I want to go.

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Yaxley wants to know why no one’s at their post.

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Bad transmitter.

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STUNT FALL!

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Remember when computer rooms looked like this?

We should go back to it. Just cause. It’s visually more interesting, even if it is technologically outdated.

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Colors.

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R2 dick.

Colin:

R2 uses his dick to “interpret the entire Imperial network,” which is my latest euphemism for sex.

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Telling you – lots of looking into the camera here.

Another thing I want to point out — there are a lot of gaps in my actual synopsis for this part of the movie, mostly because I noticed — there’s not actually that much that happens, story-wise, in this original trilogy. It’s weird. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s just — the story isn’t very dense. So it’s not like I have to explain shit. They get pulled in. They sneak around. They take over the command center. They find out Leia is here, they get her. Then (Obi-Wan/Vader stuff aside), they leave. Then, they attack the Death Star.

It’s just a simple plot, so there’s not all that much going on, complexity-wise, so there’s not too much to say. All the other franchises — there’s other shit going on. So — the synopsis here is gonna be a little bare. That’s why. It’s George’s fault.

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R2 tells Obi-Wan how to deactivate the tractor beam.

Colin:

Like sixty maps just flashed on the screen and you ended up with one location that looks to be a rather small section. Did I mention that the Death Star has a diameter of more than 60 miles? Yeah, you might wanna take a closer look at the directions to this tiny little tractor beam nook.

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Luke’s being a bitch. He wants to go with him.

“Your destiny lies among a different path than mine.”

Colin:

It’s funny how he says look needs to look after the droids, with an ‘s,’ like it matters whether or not 3PO makes it or not.

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“The Force will be with you. Always.”

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Less badass when you see him running away like that.

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Reaction shots.

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“Where did you dig up that old fossil?”

“Ben is a great man!”

Really? You met this motherfucker TWO days ago!

This writing is so generic it’s hilarious.

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R2D2 found Leia.

“The princess is aboard this ship?”

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“Princess?”

I love that insert.

This is the best reaction in the film.

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“I’m afraid she’s scheduled to be terminated.”

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“Oh no!”

The way he says “Oh no!” is hilarious. Pure acting, right there.

Also – how the fuck does he know they’re planning on killing her from a fucking computer?

6:30, supper in the mess hall.

7 o’clock, Jeopardy.

8 o’clock, execution.

9 o’clock, DANCE PARTY!

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Luke says he has to go rescue Leia. Han’s like, “Fuck that.”

Colin:

The princess is in trouble! We gotta save her! Han’s like, “We ain’t doing SHIT. What, is Mario busy or something?”

She about to be in his castle soon.

He’s gonna hit Toad with a red shell.

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Awesome.

Han still refuses to go.

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“She’s rich.”

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He’s such a scumbag, I love it.

(And then they fuck up the end game.)

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He says the reward for rescuing her is more wealth can he can imagine.

“I don’t know, I can imagine quite a bit.”

That’s funny… they’re gonna fuck.

Colin:

Always one of my favorite exchanges of the franchise. Actually, one of my favorite exchanges ever, considering how often a real life conversation makes me think back to it. The, “I dunno, I can imagine quite a bit.” People like to downplay shit or at least assume there’s some reasonability to your imagination. They’ll say, “Dude, you have NO FUCKING IDEA how much booze I bought for tonight’s party!” And I’m like, “Well, it’s a finite amount, I know that much. So while there’s a chance it may impress me, I think I have a pretty good idea.” It just strikes so true with me when he says this, cause what the fuck is it supposed to mean when Luke says the reward will be bigger than Han can imagine? Really? Wanna bet?

Yeah… kind of a shame, when you consider how much of a tool he becomes after this.

Colin:

And yet…I don’t see him become a real tool until Jedi. And even then, he’s still the sort of bad guy that hangs out with the nice kids. Like Milner in American Graffiti. Throughout Empire, he still tries to break out to do his own thing, but ends up getting caught up with Leia. Then he’s trying to get his dick wet, which he DOES — so I’m not gonna call him out for bitching out there. Anything you do to sleep with a hot princess is justified. Only in the third film has he lost the mojo.

You know what, though? I see him in Empire as more of a holding pattern. He doesn’t stay badass, is the thing. Mostly it’s him being like, “I gotta go do this… oh, but you like me and I like you, so we’ll deal with that.” We don’t get enough of him in that movie to really try to qualify him as badass. Because here, I kind of get it, from an on paper standpoint. I don’t see it, that’s for shit sure, but I get it. I’m willing to go along with it to maintain the proper experience of these movies. But in Empire — he doesn’t do shit.

Put it this way — Han in these movies is a plus, a neutral, and minus. (Or for you science people — a proton, a neutron, and an electron.) Empire is where he’s just holding steady and not really doing anything in either direction. (For the most part. I mean, the “I know” is nice and all, but let’s not use that to justify the rest of his screen time.) Which goes hand in hand with what I feel Luke’s trajectory is, which is the exact opposite.

But really, my point is — he’s not necessarily a tool until Jedi, but he is starting to exhibit some toolish behavior. We’re starting to see him move away from being a cowboy and move toward being — whatever the fuck he becomes.

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They have a plan.

Colin:

Why do these guys in a control room above a hangar bay randomly have an oversized pair of handcuffs lying around on a desk?

For a situation just like this.

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When I was a young Sith, I was so horribly behaved. I was always on the detention level.

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This is a glimpse of bad Lucas. A little droid thing rides by, Chewie roars at it, and it turns around and runs away. No purpose for this whatsoever.

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It’s weird that they know where to go. Even if R2 told you, would you really remember all of those directions?

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Chewie just checked out that droid’s ass.

He probably would hit it.

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Colin:

What if the elevator doors opened and it was Umbridge inside?

Then I’d like this franchise better?

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“I don’t know but I’ve been told / Pussy on Hoth is mighty cold.”

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“Left, right, left, right / Stormtroopers, zeig heil!”

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“I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.”

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Can the Force give you an erection?

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I love these shots. Because they’re literally, “All right, Alec, you walk forward, look around, then keep walking.” And that’s the shot.

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“This is not gonna work.”

“Then why didn’t you say so before?”

“I DID say so before!”

Which is weird. Why would Luke ask that? Would he really have not gone through with this if Han didn’t think it was gonna work?

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They got them Men in Black elevators.

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Look at the size of that fucking gun.

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“Where are you taking this… thing?”

If I had a nickel…

Colin:

I’d say he looks more like Cousin Itt than Thing.

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They say it’s a prisoner transfer.

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I like how the dude’s like, “I wasn’t notified… I’ll have to clear it.” Motherfucker – you’re on a GIANT SPACE STATION. Are you telling me this place runs so smoothly that everyone is aware of all the shit happening at any given time? You mean to tell me someone doesn’t show up at his office like, “Who are you? I didn’t know they were painting it today”? Really? Is this that out of the ordinary that you’re suspicious? Do you even know they found a ship? Do you?

Colin:

I can see how they’d be pretty on top of their shit. It’s a military that seems to have more efficient operations than the US military did in WWII at least. Besides, they never let people just waltz in and paint the place cause it’s 1977 and they’ve all seen The Sting recently.

It’s 1977 in a galaxy far, far away, a long time ago?

Colin:

Have you seen their hair? Not to mention the cargo pants on the rebel soldiers. I’d say that’s a safe assumption. 

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And what’s with the gun? Jesus Christ. Do you do that to people all the time? If an intern comes down to take the lunch order, do they pull a gun on him until they call up to make sure they’re okay? What the fuck is going on here?

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I miss the flashes of light during gun battles. Really makes me nostalgic for old movies.

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Chewie’s got a gun.

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Why shoot the cameras? They can’t see you anyway.

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Jesus. That wasn’t even close.

(See? I got nothing for this. They’re just — shooting.)

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Great shot. Also weird that he finds out where Leia is based on knobs and colored lights.

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Of course you take the helmet off. They have to see the face.

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“Nah, shit’s cool up here. The cameras and all that – complete accident.”

Colin:

This is such an awkward conversation over the radio, it feels like it should have been done by Larry David. “No, no, no, you don’t need to come up here! No, it’s too much of a schlep, and besides, I already told Funkhouser it’d be just the two of us today!”

Leia’s cunt is in the sink.

Colin:

According to extended universe, Han should know what he’s doing here, cause he was an officer in the Imperial Navy. But sometimes extended universe doesn’t really jive with the films.

Probably because it’s better thought out and organized. That’s what it seems like anyway. But since I’m only dealing with the movies for the most part, we have to deal with this.

I wanted a banana, but I guess I’ll have to eat this piece of shit instead.

Star Wars - 746

There you go. When you can’t talk your way out of it, shoot your way out of it.

When you have to shoot, shoot, don’t talk.

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That’s actually a pretty badass cell block design.

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Well hello.

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Now that’s a badass. Sleeping your first night in the holding cell.

Before an execution.

I bet that was unintentional.

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“God DAMN, son!”

Star Wars - 753

“Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?”

Star Wars - 754

“Aren’t you a little mouthy for a rape victim?”

Colin:

Leia ain’t afraid of shit. They’re about to kill her and she’s calling him out for being short. This is how I wanna go. Just hatin’ on people.

She’s the top player hater in the Core Worlds.

Star Wars - 755

“I’m Luke Skywalker, I’m here to rescue you.”

They call him Superman.

Star Wars - 756

“Who the fuck are you?”

The correct answer was, “Of course you are.”

Star Wars - 757

This is hilarious. “I’ve got your R2 unit, I’m here with Ben Kenobi!”

“Ben Kenobi, where is he?!”

“Come on!”

And they just leave.

This reads as though it were written by a child.

“I’m here to save you!”

“What?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna save you. I’m with that guy you know?”

“Really? Let’s go!”

Seriously? And why did you call him Ben Kenobi? You don’t know him as Ben. Why would you call him Ben?

Star Wars - 758

He is here.”

Really? This is what you say when your alcoholic father shows up at your kid’s birthday party uninvited.

Star Wars - 759

“Englebert Humperdinck? Here? What makes you think so?”

Star Wars - 760

“I heard someone whistling the theme from Papillon in the hallway.”

He actually “felt a tremor in the Force.”

I bet you did you dirty Sith.

Star Wars - 761

“The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.”

(I’m hearing that out of context, and, aside from being funny… it’s not wrong.)

Star Wars - 762

“Vader, that’s disgusting. Why’d you need to tell me that?”

Muffdaddy T says all the Jedi are dead. He’s all that’s left “of their religion.”

So it is a religion…

Colin:

I want to point out here that Vader has no actual power within the Empire. He doesn’t rule anyone and doesn’t have a political title. He runs shit for the Emperor, and commands the 501st Legion by himself, but there’s a good reason Tarkin doesn’t listen to him. Throughout all of this, he’s just Palpatine’s apprentice, meaning that his motivation and ambition should be derived purely from his connection to the Dark Side of the Force. That’s what he’s about. It’s not a “rule the galaxy” thing at this point.

Yeah, but he’s still like, the right hand dude of the EMPEROR. So it’s kind of weird that you have no problem getting mouthy with him, and that he takes it. Weird power situation going on here. What exactly was Palpatine’s end game? He runs shit, but now what? What exactly is he doing now that he has shit? What exactly is the end game to people who want to rule the world?

Colin:

They rule it. Crush insurrection and then continue to crush insurrection. I think the Vader thing really stems from the fact that the Emperor’s power is derived politically. He’s the emperor, not a Sith Lord, as far as they’re all concerned. Everyone here, including Grand Moff Tarkin, is politically involved because they’ve been appointed or promoted or whatever. There’s always that basic idea that they’re a government — a government led solely by a crazy maniac, but a government nonetheless. Vader ain’t got shit to do with that, so he’s removed from the hierarchy.

The respect that they do give him is purely military because he does have troops and ships to control, but the higher-ups don’t really have to submit to him because they have their jobs and Vader’s just kind of ‘around.’ To some extent, it’s like Meet Joe Black, where Anthony Hopkins starts bringing Brad Pitt into corporate board meetings and listening to what he says, and the board is like, “Who is this schmuck? We don’t have to listen to him!” Meanwhile, Pitt could end anyone in that room whenever the fuck he wanted. They know their boss trusts him and gives him power to do shit, but they don’t comprehend fully what he’s capable of or why they should be respectful.

They should have Meet Joe Black‘d Jar Jar.

Colin knows what I’m talking about.

Star Wars - 763

“Obi-Wan is here. The Force is with him.”

Really? It’s a thing you can have with you? Is that like John McClane having the detonators? Is having the Force with him really that much of a thing?

Is he gonna bust into a room, like, “Oh, it’s Obi-Wan, bitch, and I got the Force with me!”?

Star Wars - 764

I like how Vader’s like, “I got this. Only I can do this.” Vader has an interesting role in this trilogy. I’m excited to talk about it as it develops.

Colin:

I agree. But it doesn’t need the examination (or the execution) that the new trilogy gave it. I like to remember this Vader before they gave us too much back story.

I think he does need the back story, he just needs it better than he got it.

For example — a lot of people don’t think about the fact that he does scream, “NOOOOO!” in this trilogy too. A lot of people scream it. But because how how Lucas fucked it up in the last one, it’s now a joke. That’s basically a microcosm of what happened with the prequels.

Star Wars - 765

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No joke, that’s all Alec Guinness does in this movie. I wonder how many set ups they did of him standing in a spot, looking around, then walking out of the frame.

I remember when I did the Oscar Quest article for his category, I was like, “But he’s Obi-Wan, of course he should win.” But now that I watch the movie – this motherfucker doesn’t do SHIT in the movie! How the fuck was he even nominated? I bet if it wasn’t Alec Guinness he wouldn’t have been.

You think of Obi-Wan as being this really wise, sage character who is really iconic, and then you realize — motherfucker does NOTHING in this entire movie, and even less in the next two.

It’s kind of baffling.

Gandalf at least did some shit.

Dumbledore threw down.

Obi-Wan? Dies.

Star Wars - 768

Shoot out.

Star Wars - 769

Wow, that laser just came right at the audience. Good pause.

Star Wars - 770

Really? You couldn’t blast through the entire door? You people suck at life.

Star Wars - 771

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Star Wars - 773

Look at that pose.

Colin:

Cock piece!

Star Wars - 774

“Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route.”

Star Wars - 775

“Maybe you’d like it back in your CELL, your highness.”

Look at Luke’s face.

Star Wars - 776

I like how he can call 3PO and no one else can hear. I’m sure that’s a secure comm link.

Star Wars - 777

Star Wars - 778

Now, as Stormtroopers… wouldn’t you fire and also move forward to the different cell doors for cover?

They can’t go anywhere. So just, like, put up a shield or something and move forward. Grenades and shit. I find it hard to believe, given the armies you’re supposed to have, that you can fuck this up.

Do these blasters ever run out of ammunition? Wait for that.

I’d say fill the room with poisonous gas, but we know that shit don’t work.

Star Wars - 779

Star Wars - 780

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Star Wars - 783

“Oh, man, I tell ya, the life of a droid ain’t no picnic. We get no respect at all…”

(Etiquette Murphy.)

Star Wars - 784

“Some rescue, assholes.”

Star Wars - 785

“Give me that.”

Star Wars - 786

Star Wars - 787

Weird how no one else noticed that.

Star Wars - 788

Star Wars - 789

Star Wars - 790

Star Wars - 791

She’s not shooting at anything.

Colin:

“SUPPRESSING FI—-IRE!”

Star Wars - 792

Star Wars - 793

Star Wars - 794

Star Wars - 795

He just fucking kicked a Wookiee into a garbage shoot.

Star Wars - 796

Star Wars - 797

“Wonderful girl. I’m either gonna kill her or I’m beginning to like her.”

Star Wars - 798

Tally ho!

Star Wars - 799

Star Wars - 800

Star Wars - 801

Gotta hand it to the guy – no hesitation at all. Headfirst into the garbage shoot.

I’ve had many a Saturday night end the same way.

Star Wars - 802

How long do you think they’ll keep shooting before they figure it out?

Colin:

This is the part I didn’t get. So there are bad guys shooting at them from down a hallway. The bad guys see them jump into something. Wouldn’t they proceed with caution, get to the hole, possibly look in and see our gang at the bottom like sitting ducks?

You think they have their own Pvt. Gump to check the holes?

Star Wars - 803

Star Wars - 804

Star Wars - 805

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Star Wars - 807

Do lasers often bounce?

Now there’s a fucked up version of Pong.

Star Wars - 808

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Star Wars - 813

“Something just moved past my leg.”

Star Wars - 814

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Star Wars - 817

Jeez, Luke, quit being such a bitch. You have to act like nothing is there until it grabs you, and then you beat the shit out of it.

Star Wars - 818

Leia knows what that thing does.

Star Wars - 819

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Star Wars - 824

Japan loves this part.

Colin:

Oh HELL no. Archer would lose his shit right here and so would I. This is the dianoga, a sort of weird squid that lives primarily in garbage water and sewage. This one has a nest in the wall of the compactor, so it doesn’t get…compacted. But it’s one of the most upsetting creatures in the whole franchise, especially when you consider that in extended universe, they have stories about infestations and dianoga popping out of the toilet suddenly. I don’t want to live in the same universe as this thing. I take solace in the fact that at least THIS ONE dies later on.

That answers a question I ask later. But I’m leaving it in. Because why not?

Star Wars - 825

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Star Wars - 828

Colin:

Correct answer to the question, “Where do I shoot the crazy tentacle monster that’s trying to suffocate and eat you?” “ANYWHERE! WASTE THE MOTHERFUCKER!”

Star Wars - 829

Now here’s my question – does that thing not get crushed when they take out the trash? What kind of fucked up evolution is going on in this place?

Star Wars - 830

Star Wars - 831

I like how Chewie is just like, “Let us the fuck out. I don’t want to be here. It stinks in here. This is messin’ up my weave. Somebody open this door or Imma kill these people and eat their corpses.”

Colin:

My favorite part is about how disinterested Chewie is. Luke’s being choked out by an alien squid right behind him, and Chewie’s still like, “It fucking STINKS in here! How do we get this door open?”

Drink.

Star Wars - 832

Star Wars - 833

Colin:

But for real, this scene has a WHOLE different tone in Japan.

(That link was me.)

(Life goal: Be in a smooth jazz band who has that as a gig.)

Star Wars - 834

I think they just recreated my prom night.

Star Wars - 835

“I got a bad feeling about this.”

Star Wars - 836

So wait, it knew the garbage thing was happening and it disappeared? Where did it go? Is there a sewage system in this place? That is to say – between the trash compactors? Does this thing just float between them? How does that work? It seems like this is a one way in, one way out sort of deal – shit falls in, walls close in, crush, then the bottom opens and they dump it into space. Right? Where the fuck is that thing gonna go? It makes no sense.

Colin:

So, like I said, it’s chilling in the wall. This is one of those things where its eggs get brought in on something and it grows into a nasty big monster here.

Star Wars - 837

I like how people think they can stop walls from closing.

Star Wars - 838

All right, the pipe is a good idea, but otherwise – people always are like, “No, my pushing against it will make these walls stop.” Sure it will.

Star Wars - 839

“Oh, right. I have a link to people who are hacked into the computers.”

Star Wars - 840

Star Wars - 841

Star Wars - 842

You fucking idiot, 3PO.

Colin:

That’s right, hop on that celly and call 3PO, who – oh. Is trapped locked in the closet with R2.

Star Wars - 843

“They’re madmen! They’re heading to the prison level. If you hurry, you might catch them!”

Star Wars - 844

I take that back. YOU fucking idiots!

Colin:

Actually not a bad play from C3PO here. Play the victim, send them off on a wild goose chase. I approve. And when the guard surprises you, make up some more shit. Robots are LIARS, man. And this is why that bartender doesn’t serve their kind.

Why would you listen to it in the first place?

Star Wars - 845

Star Wars - 846

Star Wars - 847

“I’d like to take him down to maintenance.”

Star Wars - 848

“All right.”

Star Wars - 849

WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT ARE YOU STANDING GUARD FOR?!!!

This screenplay must be a comedy masterpiece.

Star Wars - 850

Star Wars - 851

Star Wars - 852

Luke is useless.

Star Wars - 853

“Get on top!”

“I can’t!”

Oh-kay then.

Star Wars - 854

Oh yeah. That’s how you go out!

Star Wars - 855

“Where could they be?”

Star Wars - 856

Star Wars - 857

I always wondered what that white thing did.

Just kind of pushes out randomly.

Star Wars - 858

Star Wars - 859

Star Wars - 860

I like how R2 has to be like, “Motherfucker, use the goddamn link in your hand!”

Seriously, 3PO and Luke are both fucking useless.

Star Wars - 861

Star Wars - 862

He says “Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level” three times before 3PO does anything. I think protocol states we need to put him down.

Also — garbage mashers. Weird how we know it as “trash compactors.” And yet — garbage mashers.

Perpetuity is kinder to this franchise than Lucas was.

Star Wars - 863

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Star Wars - 868

And not a single “woo hoo” was said.

Thank you for that.

Colin:

It’s great how the day has been saved by R2’s magic dick. Many franchises have one; this is Star Wars’ magic dick.

Star Wars - 869

ASIAN MANSERVANT!

Star Wars - 870

Holy shit. That’s at least the third time this has happened. He must have written all that in the script. “Obi-Wan looks around.” “Obi-Wan keeps looking around.” Jesus.

Colin:

This is, by the way, what Obi Wan does. He walks through a giant enemy space station with hundreds of thousands of militant inhabitants and manages to go unseen. Some Jedi have that ninja stealth.

Or really bad writers writing for them.

And that’s where we’ll END PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, where Obi-Wan dies. His one real character development in the trilogy.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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