Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope (1977), Part IV — “This Place Is the Towering Inferno of Space Stations”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the fourth part of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope:

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We begin Part IV with Obi-Wan continuing to wander around, completely unseen.

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I’m really curious how many people are on this fucking thing. Because he’s passed like, six people total so far.

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Weird how much shit in these places is way high up with little to no places to walk.

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Also amazing how easy it is to turn off a tracking beam for an entire ship from one place.

Remember before, when they blew up a planet, how we saw those guys standing by the entrance to that laser? That was one of EIGHT. But the tracking beam has one place to shut it off?

Man, this place is the Towering Inferno of space stations.

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Also weird how this doesn’t alert anyone else in the entire station that the tracking beam is now down. You’d think they’d have a thing in a main control room that says, “Oh, by the way — that beam thing that was up… no longer up.” Does nobody monitor anything on this thing? (They sure as shit seem to monitor the prison transfers though, right?)

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I love how Han hates women. It’s such a classic western thing, too. They hate women, but then there’s that one that gets to them…

(I also like how Luke’s purpose in this part of the movie is just to watch Han and see how it’s done.)

(That’s why he becomes the main character. Han becomes useless.)

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“I don’t know who you are, but from now on, you do as I tell you. Okay?”

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“Listen, bitch…”


I love that she starts giving orders and he starts complaining immediately. That walking carpet is going to be your children’s main babysitter, lady. And calling someone “Your Worshipfullness” is amazing. If I ever meet any royalty of any country ever again – I apologize in advance, but you’re getting called that at least once.

You know what, though? This was the moment in this trilogy where I went, “Oh hey — Leia’s got a character!” Because we do see her act like a spoiled princess. Otherwise, she’s only just called out for being one but never actually acts like one.

That’s another thing I have a problem with in regards to this franchise — they say these people have certain characters, but I never see it. They say, “Oh, Han’s a scoundrel” and all this stuff — but he’s really only that for this one movie. And even then, it’s not as great as it could be, since a lot of the time, he comes off as an asshole. Lucas is really bad at giving you character scenes or character moments that really make you love a character. And the only reason I haven’t turned on him yet is because Luke is such a useless piece of shit in this movie, I need someone to like.

Which — now’s a good time to say it — Luke is actually Harry Potter in Philosopher’s Stone right now. Completely useless, and his one skill is the only thing that redeems him from being 100% of a worthless character in the first movie. I dare anybody to prove me wrong on that.

Harry could fly a broom and Luke could fly a plane. Outside of that — they, aside from being our main character, do not do anything of value in the first movie in which we meet them.

But back to my original point — people make it like Lucas wrote three good movies and then three bad movies. He didn’t. He actually wrote five bad movies and one of them somehow ended up working out, for the most part. (He had nothing to do with Empire‘s script, and I can basically rest my case on that alone.) He’s not a good writer. Jedi is a fucking mess, and he has his hands all over it. This is the only one of the movies that he wrote that could even partially be considered a good movie, and even then, when you take just the words on the page — it’s not good. Back to my “greater than the sum of its parts” argument.

I really feel like this franchise would have benefitted from character moments, the way the Potter movies gave us those. Remember how they used an entire scene of exposition to also have Snape silently slap Harry and Ron in the head six times? We don’t get any of that here. It’s all about plot and not about character. Which, to me, really ruins the overall franchise.

I honestly don’t see any kind of character for Luke (which — I have no problem with that, since that’s usually how a Hero’s journey works, plus the protagonist in this kind of thing usually has to be like that. So I get that). Han is basically a western archetype and then all of that is abandoned after this first movie. Leia is meant to be a spoiled princess, but all of that is abandoned after this first movie (and is barely shown in the first place. But it’s Lucas, so I kind of understand). Lucas does about a half-movie’s worth of characterization, and that’s somehow meant to carry us throughout three movies! I kind of resent that people consider these characters as fully formed. Since I actually felt like Mo, the little cleaning robot in Wall-E, was actually a better-formed character than 90% of the major characters in this entire franchise.

No joke, if it weren’t for the western genre, this original trilogy’s characters would be as boring and as monotone as the characters in the prequel trilogy. And I really don’t think enough people appreciate that fact.


I would disagree with the Luke thing. He is generally useless, but at least we get some character developments. And when I say that, I mean that based on the way he acts or what he says, I can use reasonably specific adjectives to describe him. Like in the beginning, he’s childish (shirking chores) but reckless (trying to go fight the war) at the same time. He’s pretty dejected about being stuck on the farm, but also resigned to that fact even when Obi Wan presents him with an alternative.

Shirking chores? That actually happens?

See, I think that’s what’s geting in the way of the character development — there’s some big universe shit going on, and some big visuals, and the writing is really, really awful. And in something like this, you have to maintain a balance between all that, and Lucas just can’t do it.

I can se the childish part, since that’s what that generic arc is about, but reckless — not buying it. And again, all that stuff, dejected and resigned and all that — it requires actual writing and acting to pull off. And I still don’t see it. He’s not really any of these things. I can’t explain it. I’ve watched a shit ton of movies. I know this stuff when I see it. And after a half dozen times… I still don’t see it.


Then he goes cocky with the “I could fly the ship” thing. In Empire, we see a much wider range of emotions from him, especially with Yoda. He’s pushy and impatient before he figures out who Yoda is, then skeptical about the cave and defeatist with the ship in the swamp. We see his uncertainty and his doubt, followed by disbelief. His stubborn determination leads him to disobey Yoda and confront Vader, where the blinders are pulled off and he has that loss of innocence moment.

I’ll keep this in for space purposes, but I never said anything about Luke past this movie. I have no problems with how they used him after this. (It’s Han I have the problem with.)

I would say that Jedi is where he’s hard to get a beam on. But in spite of how useless he is, Luke has LOADS more character than Harry did at the beginning of that franchise. Daniel Radcliffe had four faces for the first two films or so: Normal, Confused, Surprised, Amazed. We didn’t get anything remotely complex with him before Azkaban, when he finds out that Sirius is his godfather.

You’re right. Harry doesn’t get much development in the first two movies, and that does come back to the direction and the fact that children by and large can’t act. But we’re also working with eight movies there, and they did a much better job handling his character after that. In a way, those two films are the New Hope of that franchise, setting up for all the stuff that will happen with his character after that. My ultimate point is that Luke, in THIS movie, like Harry in THAT first movie — is pretty useless other than as a conduit for the plot. At least there, though, we get the idea that someone is trying to kill him and that he’s very important. We don’t get ANY of that here. Which is weird. It’s all about Obi-Wan. Nothing about Luke being important.


So Luke’s got two movies of character, anyway. Leia has less, but at least we see her going from the pampered, royal type to falling for the scoundrel. She loses everything of interest by Jedi.

I get the pampered and spoiled bit. My only problem is that Lucas can’t write worth a fuck and actually have character scenes. Ditto for the second part. I think he stretched a one movie plot over three movies. Which I’ve said before. That’s why the Leia thing doesn’t full work to me. I like to see my characters constantly changing and evolving, at least in some way. And I’m pretty sure there’s no character development for anyone except Vader in Jedi


Han, as I said, is awesome in this movie and still maintains a lot of that in Empire because he’s just trying to get some ass. Particularly toward the beginning with the fight in the corridor with Leia, or the “my hands are dirty, too” part in the ship. He’s lost everything by Jedi. Of these three, anyway, I’d say there are two films’ worth of worthwhile development there. Just because a character doesn’t really DO something doesn’t mean we don’t see their emotions and get a feel for what they’re like to talk to.

I’m taking issue with the last sentence, just because I’m again gonna come back to the fact that Lucas can’t write worth a fuck. I’m exaggerating for a effect for a lot of this, and you’re absolutely right. I do get that sense of who they are. I just want to see more of it in the movies. Since that’s what the movies are about. I can infer a lot about who Padme is, but what the fuck do we actually see of her in the prequels? THAT’S the point here. The character we’d talk to only works when we get to actually SEE lots of it on screen. Too often does Lucas eschew whatever development he DOES give them and use them for plot purposes or give them stock dialogue.

My real problem is that Lucas will repeat the same thing over and over until it’s time to change it. For example — Han and Leia in the hallway. “I gotta go.” “You can’t.” “Because you love me.” “I don’t love you.” Han and Leia later — “You know you love me.” “You scruffy-looking nerf herder!” Han and Leia in the cockpit. “Let me go.” “Don’t get excited.” “Being held by you is more than enough to get me excited.” Then — “Why are you touching me? You’re a scoundrel.” “You like me because I’m a scoundrel.” It’s too much repetition and variation without any kind of nuance whatsoever. Maybe it’s the writer in me, but I see that and go, “Jesus, you could have had so much other nuance in those scenes except, “You love me,” “No,” “You love me,” “Fuck you,” “You love me,” “Oh, please,” “You love me,” “Yes.” Han doesn’t change, and Leia is basically being worn down until she admits the truth through constant pestering. There could be some more interesting ways to work those exact scenes in.

I think we’re both getting away from the reality. We’re ultimately agreeing on a lot of this. My points were that Luke is useless in this movie, Han gets useless by Jedi, and that I want to see more character development because the character development that is there doesn’t stretch over three movies and Lucas is a horrible writer.

As long as we both agree on that, I’m good.

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“Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?”

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“No reward is worth this.”

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Seriously, Luke, what is your purpose?

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“Do you know what’s going on?”

“Maybe it’s another drill.”


Ah yes. The oft-lampooned “Maybe it’s another drill” line. These are regular guys. They don’t know what’s up, they probably don’t care. They’re ordinary GIs who are just doing their time in the service so they can go back to whatever life they had before. They’re probably down with the Empire, because it probably doesn’t affect their lives all that much. Other than the conscription bit. But I guess what I’m saying is, I like these guys way more than the clone troopers that precede them. The clone army has no individuality; it’s every bit as machinated as the droid army it fought. This is an army of real guys.

And you know what? It’s that idea that makes me like the idea of the clone troopers better. Since, when it’s war, that’s what you need. I like that the Stormtroopers were originally nameless clone troops, designed to kill and be killed. And I like that they never went and made more of them. They just conscripted regular people to fill ranks, which does make me understand why they’re so fucking terrible at their jobs.

Of course, I know this isn’t what Lucas intended, which makes the whole thing even more hilarious, since any time something is done that does make sense, you know it’s only because we found a way ourselves to have it make sense, because Lucas sure as shit isn’t interested or capable of that himself.

Also — you think there’s a Stormtrooper GI Bill? You think they get to go to the Academy or something after this?

(Also, isn’t it funny that the academy still exists with an emperor ruling shit? Was Luke actually going to train to be an Empire pilot? Or was this just a smaller academy that would allow him to be a commuter pilot or something like that?)

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“You seen that new BT-16?”

“Yeah, some of the other guys were telling me about it. They say it’s quite a thing to see.”


Research reveals that the BT-16 is a completely unrelated droid that carries the brains of enlightened monks, but growing up, I always assumed they were referring to a ship. Like guys in Vietnam shooting the shit about a car. “You hear about that new Corvette that came out, the 427? That’s what I’m getting when the fighting’s through.”

It sounds like they’re talking about a movie or a donkey show or something.

But I just figured it was a gun. Like, “Did you see that new gun they worked up in R&D?” “Yeah, man, it’s pretty badass. I can’t wait til they commission them out and we get to use them.”

It’s seriously so much more stupid when you know it’s a droid. Who gives a fuck? Shouldn’t these guys be excited about getting better equipment to use? If I were a soldier, I’d be excited about getting new guns, since I bet the ones they have are old and don’t work well anymore.

It’s like in sixth grade, when I was in band, and we were all excited that someone donated brand new instruments to the school for us to use, rather than the ones they kept in the back room of the fucking classroom.

Isn’t it great how half the shit Lucas writes is completely ruined by the extended universe and how the other half is completely salvaged by it?

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“What was that?”

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Holy shit, really? HOW DO YOU NOT SEE HIM?!

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Your jobs must be fascinating.

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This bitch will not shut up.

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That’s hilarious. “It’s them! Blast them!” And then Han shoots one of them and they all run away.

What type of training do you guys get?

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She wanna get fucked.

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Hey guys, remember when Ron did this in Deathly Hallows?

Just pointing that out. No reason.


This is a great moment with Han being totally pigheaded and simultaneously badass. Chase the bastards. They already outnumber him, but he looks like a crazy person, so you run. And now there’s like a shit zillion of them, so you turn around and scream louder while being chased.

I pointed this out in Deathly Hallows 2 where Ron goes chasing after Goyle like a maniac but comes running back screaming with Fiendfyre behind him.

And you know what? It made more sense when Ron did it, because Goyle was shooting at his girlfriend. Here, Han does it just because he’s an asshole. I don’t really see it as badass at any point in time. Because, ultimately, it’s stupid. And it’s really only badass if he does something badass with it. He just looks like a fucking moron here. That’s not badass.

And it’s another one of those things that feels like it’s supposed to seem badass, beacuse they want you to think it’s badass, and people treat it as badass and universally accept it as being badass, but ultimately it’s him being stupid, getting caught, and being real lucky these people suck at their job.

I feel like I should never be laughing at anything Han does. I should be thinking, “Man… that’s badass.” And if I am laughing, it’s not the kind of laugh this is meant to elicit, which is more at him, for being stupid, than anything.


No, you’re supposed to laugh. And it is about him being stupid. But this is just all he knows. Notice how quickly they turn and run, and he just follows them on instinct. You got them scared, keep them scared. He knows it’s a charade, but he’s doing it cause it works. This whole sequence just screams, “Leeeeeeeroy Jenkinnnnnnnns!” That’s his character. He tries some crazy shit and makes shit up as he goes. It’s not so much that what he does is badass, but the mindset is. It reminds me of Jackass — remember their sort of theme song

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What a stunt fall. Stunt fall of the year, right there.

Also, the rest of you fuckers SUCK at your jobs.

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You know – I always felt these movies were overrated, and they’re proving me right. I’m not even gonna save that realization for later. This movie isn’t all that amazing. Now that I watch it – this is actually a movie that is greater than the sum of its parts. I don’t know how or why that is, but it is.

I never got into this franchise as a kid, and I can see why that is. There’s really not much of interest in it. I’ve always liked the movies (or rather, this one and the next one), but I never got into them the way people really get into them. Even when I saw Episode I, the most exciting thing that I got out of it was playing the Playstation game of it. I rented that shit from Blockbuster like three or four times in a row.

I remember when I heard Shiho didn’t get into this from these movies, but from the prequels. And your first instinct is, “What? Really?” But he’s totally right. Because if you’re gonna get into the universe, those are the ones you’re gonna use. The universe and stuff is in those movies and all the books and whatever. These three movies are just a trilogy of films that led to all that shit.

Plus, as we go along, it’s clear that Lucas has no idea what he’s doing. My boss put it best – “They’re fine and good and all, but it’s still always gonna end with a bunch of teddy bears singing.” Lucas actually thinks Empire is the worst one. I don’t see how you can get into a universe at all from these three. They’re completely all over the place. The story here is thin as shit, there’s no character development, and the writing and acting is awful.

This movie is still entertaining and a lot of fun, but you can’t really take the piss out of it the way you can do that with Harry Potter. Since, at least there, a universe was built from the ground up. This was a universe built after the fact. There’s so much shit in the books that carries over into the movies that there’s always stuff to talk about, and riff on, and just have fun with. This — it’s all over the place. Since if you take this trilogy as movies — it doesn’t end well. Since that’s what I’m doing (/did, when I watched them), and — they’re not great movies. As just movies. And then, when you try to tie it together as a universe — you have to use the prequels, which is a double-edged sword, given how bad those movies are for a different reason, and you have to go to the extended stuff, which is good for information, but horrible for tying into the movies.

So that’s why I’m having trouble with this. This is really the only franchise where that division exists.


Though, again — you wouldn’t be beating them down quite so hard if less people liked them. Even if these movies are only a 6/10 compared to the 9/10 that most people give them, convincing twelve people they’re actually a 3/10 doesn’t really serve any purpose. So that’s why I’m going to point out the good things when I think they exist. I’ve already said these probably don’t even touch my top 100 favorite movies, but I still won’t beat them down quite this much.

Well, there are other reasons for that too. I honestly don’t have all that much to say about these three movies, and since the only thing I do know is what I actually grew up with (more on that in a second), that’s pretty much what I’m rolling with.

Mostly it comes down to — I’m trying to do the same thing that I did with Potter, but here, the writing is worse and people love it more (or so I believe), so it just ends up having that one scoff of disgust that leads me to angrily shitting all over it.

My problem is I can’t turn my anger-fueled rants into comedy unless I truly hate something. (See: My Unforgivables list every year.)

But whatever. I just need to get through these three movies before stuff can start getting good again.

It’s really only this one I shit on anyway.


It’s also worth mentioning that we came into this franchise with very different perceptions of its popularity. I thought Harry Potter was WAY bigger for our generation than Star Wars was, whereas Mike seemed to be saying that Harry Potter was very much the underdog when it began. That’s certainly true. Any franchise, at its start, must be considered an underdog compared with the popularity of Star Wars. But by the time we were in college, I can guarantee that the vast majority of our age group (and even those older than us) were more familiar with the Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings universes. The number of people I’ve met who don’t know anything about Star Wars was mind-boggling to me, because I always thought that these films were common knowledge.

You are right about that. The Potter movies (and even the Rings movies) are going to be our Star Wars. Hopefully people never talk about the Potter movies as masterpieces of cinema, but rather as just a great franchise, but I already see the Rings movies starting to go that route. Which…I don’t know. I guess that’s just what it is.

But it’s really something that I grew up with. Everyone older than me knew Star Wars and loved Star Wars, so I grew up with the mindset of everyone loving it. Then the internet — and all this comic culture stuff that’s come out the last decade or so — you really get the sense of how much people really love this shit. Which is fine. I just don’t hear enough of people saying, “The movies aren’t that great.” I just don’t like when anything attains a level of general popularity that people cease to think critically of it. Which was my ultimate goal from the start — thinking critically. And whenever that happens, you’re gonna see my natural state take over, which easily goes from, “Wow, that’s horrible writing,” “That’s pretty bad logic,” to — “These movies aren’t so good. This franchise is overrated.” Which, I will freely admit, is completely influenced by other people. Since we all know if there’s one thing I hate — it’s people and their tastes.


This is something that will probably (definitely) come up again in the final thoughts for the franchise, but when we boil this all down, it’s about recommending the franchise or not recommending the franchise to someone who’s never seen it. Would I recommend this over the Harry Potter franchise on pure film merit alone? Nope. Do I think that altogether, with universe and stuff included, this gives Harry Potter a run for its money? Yup. Do I think that in spite of its shortcomings, this franchise (new trilogy included) is worth your time? Definitely.

That’s the other thing — that is ultimately what I’m going to end on, too. I like this movies, I will recommend these movies. But I do also take the stance of — once something is so firmly entrenched within the cultural psyche, you’re not gonna get anyone out of that by chipping away at it. So I’m just taking gigantic hacks at it to, again, just maybe take off the finishing. That’s it. My ultimate goal here is — let’s take it off the pedestal and actually let it fight it out among everything else.

Plus, again, I really don’t have all that much to say about these movies, so I’m trying to fill space. I tried to say stupid things, but the anger at people and at Lucas’s bad writing took over.

Seriously… just wait til we get to the prequels. The articles are gonna be so much better.

Though, I also think we can both say — we both had a really hard time with these three films. They took way longer than they should have for us to get through for that very reason. What the fuck do you say about them?

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Because of course you’d build it like that.


I’m not really sure what’s up with the Death Star being so inconvenient like this. What would be the purpose of having a bridge that needs extending? Why would you need blast doors? It seems like this place is heavily outfitted to be the setting for a battle, which doesn’t make much sense, cause who the fuck would ever be able to get an army inside?

This is basically the argument against our National Security budget.

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I don’t even have to know what she’s saying right now. I can tell it’s annoying.

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I’d stand there for an hour wondering what happened that led to them not finishing this walkway.

(Maybe it’s in the shop?)

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Wilhelm scream.

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I was gonna call out him having that, but it seems like the Stormtroopers randomly have it.


Utility belt! I’m too lazy to go back and look – is this the one he got from the Stormtrooper uniform, or did he always have it? Cause it’s interesting to just have a grapple.

He must have stolen it from the Stormtrooper outfit. Since I noticed a Stormtrooper having one too. Pretty sure we see him taking it in the shot with Han and Leia, which is exactly good directing on Lucas’s part, since he doesn’t not tell us how Luke gets it and also doesn’t give us the awful close-up of it. So I’ll give credit where credit is due there. Good job. It wasn’t awful.

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I’m also fascinated by where these guys are coming from? How come only a few come from the other side? Why aren’t more of them going to that spot? And why aren’t there more on the levels above and below that floor? They could be shooting them from above. There’s really no way they should feasibly get out of this alive.

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For good luck.

(Good luck not having to go to therapy after this.)

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Wow, good thing they weren’t also on that side, huh?

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There’s another R2 sorta droid. R2 is a Naboo astromech, which makes him pretty rare. But that’s only as of the new trilogy. Some things just can’t really be reconciled between the two trilogies; it’s kinda clear that Lucas was just like, “Fuck it, I’m doing and saying whatever the fuck I want.”

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Okay, seriously now, this is becoming a fucking joke. Why do we need so many scenes of him just walking around?

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Is 3PO doing the robot?

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This is a weird moment. 3PO is like, “Where are they?” and then in a minute we find out that these two are on this floor, and the rest of them are on the floor above.

A better filmmaker would have gotten tension out of that.

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Best chase ever.

The dialogue in this scene is actually, “Close the blast doors!” ; “Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!”

Nominated for Best Screenplay, this was.


Hah! Bet you’re regretting that decision to close the blast doors. How many takes do you think they had to do before Ford managed the jump without looking like a total moron?

Is that a rhetorical question?

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He’s just wandering around like an idiot, and Vader’s just waiting for him, ready to fight. That’s how you run shit.

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“I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last.”

(I always liked Vader’s light saber better.)

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This totally looks like a dick-waving contest, too.

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Also, I love the choreography. It looks like 70s year olds having a fistfight. (As it should, too.)

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I’m sorry to say – Lucas actually did better making the light sabers “lighter” in the newer films. Though I do think he went overboard with the gymnastics of it all. Some of the shit they did there was way over the top. But I think making it like actual sword fights was smart, since it allows them to have some badass duels. Again, though – don’t think the franchise quite fully gets it right.

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“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can imagine.”

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He’s got a shriveled light saber. This is supposed to be a dick metaphor, right?

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She want the dick.

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Colors. Also, all the shots in this area of the article are great.

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Look at this fucking shot. It’s so awesome.

And it’s making me think about what it would be like to have a Star Wars GTA style game…

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This was always hilarious to me. “Hey, a fight. Let’s check it out.”

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That smirk.

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Swing away, Vader.

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So, explain to me how that works. On the simpler level – how does the light saber go out on its own? Obi-Wan doesn’t shut it off before he dies. Second – why does he disappear? Did he mutter a spell or something? Did he actively create a Forcecrux? What’s the deal?

I know he becomes part of the Force, but why does his body disappear? Vader’s doesn’t, and he becomes part of the Force. I understand all of it except why his body is gone. That seems incongruous with everything else we see in this franchise.

Also, on another note — wouldn’t it have been better if, instead of him just walking around a bunch, we got some sort of sense that he knew he was going to his death? We almost get a sense of that earlier on in one scene, but a lot of that is me projecting and me wanting that to be there.


On your first points — yes, none of this makes sense to me, either. How Qui-Gon doesn’t disappear, nor does Vader. The other thing is, he cuts right through the cloak, but it remains intact. This is just one of those things where you’re like, “Eh, it’s a pretty old movie. They’re going for a gimmick of sorts and weren’t really thinking long game.” But yeah, it’s totally inconsistent.

And for your second thing, about knowing he was going to die — that would have been MUCH better. Cause you get that sort of look, like he knows he needs to do this to be able to help Luke and really set him on his way, but they don’t preface it with anything at all. It’d be so much better if we’d had hints about what was coming.

Wow… I’m getting further by just suggesting stuff to make the movie better. Maybe I should have put my “These movies aren’t very good” rant after these things.

But actually, though. I feel like I’ve already come up with at least three ways to really make this movie a lot better, and all of them are really easy fixes.

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Isn’t it funny to think that if Luke wasn’t a fucking idiot, they could have snuck out of there without anyone noticing?

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That’s how you check to see a motherfucker is dead. The Wicked Witch test.

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“Stop fucking shooting, you assholes! We can just leave!”

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You have to love this moment. Obi knows what he has to do when he sees Luke and lets Vader kill him. The body disappears immediately, and he becomes one with the Force. Good business. All it needed was a, “Fly, you fools!” Instead, we get, “Run, Forrest Luke, run!”

But it’s also hilarious how they shoot the door closed and Vader walks toward it like a terminator. Cause otherwise, you figure he’d have no problem using the Force to keep them from flying away. Couldn’t he Force the door open? Luke holds open a black hole at one point in the extended universe, you’d think his pappy could manage some blast doors.

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What do you think the electric bills are like on this ship? What kind of generator situation are we looking at?

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Right, though? It’s great, it looks like a city sykline at night. It’s just… $$$.

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I’ll stop using it when it stops being relevant.

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“I can’t believe he’s gone.”

MOTHERFUCKER YOU KNEW HIM FOR TWO DAYS! Why weren’t you this upset when your aunt and uncle died? What the fuck?

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“Come on, buddy, we’re not out of this yet.”

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That’s incredible. The amount of bullshit ways they rush into more action after an emotional moment nowadays, and this film is just like, “Fuck it,” and goes, “Come on, we gotta shoot people,” and that’s what happens.

He literally goes from sadness to, “I got him!” in less than two minutes.

This is so horrible I’m actually okay with it.


In all fairness, I can say that if it were me, I’d be yelling like a crazy person. “Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!”

I would too. It’s just funny to me how quickly that shift happens.

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How does he know where to go?

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Another great Han character moment. “Don’t worry, she’ll hold together! (Please fucking hold together, please fucking hold together!)”

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Put your grieving on hold, we have to play the best video game ever. I would LOVE to be doing this. These turrets are so insanely better than ball turrets on WWII bombers, which is what I assume they’re evoking.

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TIE fighters.

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These chairs must be fun.

I agree with Colin here — this actually seems like it would be insanely fun.

Completely useless as an action sequence, because of how it was set up (read: not) by Lucas, but isolated, this would be badass.

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Yeah, sure, walk around while the ship is being torn apart. That’ll end well.

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The Chronic: It Puts Out Fires

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Oh, don’t you fuck up their Direc-TV now.

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Hey, Luke, do you know what “leading’ is?

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That’s two. Not “woo hoo,” but rather “ha ha!” Which is better. Since you would laugh, like, “Ha ha! I’m not dead!”

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“I got him!”

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“I got him!”

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“Great, kid! Don’t get cocky!” he says, on the other end of a long penis tube.


Yes, Han Solo, you’re the right person to accuse someone of cockiness.

I was gonna (surprisingly) defend him, but you know what? After that Ron moment, he doesn’t get shit.


And that’s the character. Fastest ship in the galaxy. Right here, Jabba. You know you want the dick, princess.

Isn’t it fucked up what they did to him?

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So what exactly do TIE fighters do? I’m noticing them floating around like bees for a while and being annoying and then getting killed because they won’t fucking stop. Is this an accurate statement?

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That’s cool. It registers what part of the strike zone you killed them in. I hope it keeps statistics. Because that’s what I’d be doing. After a while, being like, “I gotta start killing more people in the bottom left quadrant.” It’s like in Madden. After a while they show you where all your completed passes were – left, right and center, short, intermediate and long. And I’ll always be like, “I need to complete more passes to the left intermediate,” and deliberately throw more passes there so all the completions are uniform, and I have at least 100 yards in each of them. Because when you’re killing bitches left and right, you have to start doing stuff like this.

Why do you think Gimli and Legolas kept count?

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Old explosions look great.


Like Alderaan.

Too soon?

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“We did it!”

Do it, Chewie. Drop the arm. You know you want to.

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Uh oh. This all smelled like a ruse. I knew four TIE fighters was too few to actually be serious about killing them. They’re being tracked, which is a common thing in Star Wars.

This is probably one of those things I completely ignored when watching the movie. They’re being tracked?

I actually stop listening to the dialogue when I watch these movies, because it’s completely pointless. At least with the prequels, I get to make fun of it. Here, it’s just generic.

Star Wars - 1070

She says R2 has the specs of the Death Star.

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Han’s like, “Well good luck with that. I’m out this bitch.” He’s in it for straight cash, homey.


And Han’s back to being the scumbag we know and love — only in it for the money, baby. The best is how when Leia tries to guilt him by loudly remarking to Luke how much of a dick Han is, Luke’s all, “Hey, sweetie, don’t lump me in with that piece of shit. Tryin’ ta get that ass! Aghahass!

He says Leia has spirit. In the 70s, “spirit” meant titties.

I love the next part, where he starts, “What do you think, you think a princess and a guy like me–” before being cut off by Luke, who says, “No.” They’ve got you thinking about Han and Leia already, and Luke’s like, “Yeah, that’ll be the day.”

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“Your friend is quite a mercenary.”

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“I wonder if he really cares about anything. Or anybody.”

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“I care.”

You idiot.

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“So… what do you think of her?”

Star Wars - 1076

This is about to get awkward.

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This is where we’ll END PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and doin’ it like we did in our T-16 back home.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

One response

  1. Reblogged this on Welcome to Filmtube!.

    May 31, 2013 at 10:37 am

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