Archive for March 3, 2011

How to Read a Hollywood Release (Part 1)

Who wants to spend $15 for no reason? Now, because of this handy guide, by knowing nothing more than a film’s release date, you can automatically gauge the quality of that film.

See that? Leading with the pertinent information. I hate it. I feel like a tool. As such, I’m now going to spend paragraphs telling you nothing that has to do with my main point. Because fuck everyone else.

My point here, though, (which I won’t actually be getting to for a while) is that as long as you know a film’s release date, you know, barebones, everything you need to know about that film in order to, within a very accurate range, gauge the quality of that film. Of course, there are anomalies, but whatever. There are rules to every exception. Also, I say barebones because, knowing a few more choice details about the film can help you to more accurately place it. It’s like gender before race and all that other stuff. Since it being a movie means we’re dealing with human. This is that first dot that separates it from the other dots before we add sparkles and shit. My theory — the Bedazzler of film judgment.

Just knowing a film comes out in October isn’t enough. It is, but it also isn’t. It depends on your level of interest, really. Or the month in question. What I’m ultimately going to do here is provide you a very simple little rubric to accurately gauge the quality of the film in question in four very simple steps. Ultimately being eventually and simple being — well, simple. I’m actually kind of amazed at that part myself.

It’s a nice skill to have handy. Not so much a skill as — knowledge. I’m about to drop knowledge on you. It’s not really science. Science is something we dropped on Japan during World War II — twice. I’m about to drop the knowledge bomb on you. Its side effects are knowing more. So, much better than radiation.

This is my gift to you. Showing you how to read a Hollywood release. It’s not quite a Porsche and not quite herpes. You knew what you were getting when we started this relationship. (more…)

Pic of the Day: “That son of a bitch! Don’t get me wrong, he’s a fine writer…”